Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Discipline has been on my mind frequently the last few days/weeks. Not least of all because Boyfriend keeps reminding me that I have none and need to learn it. It's obvious why this is the case. My father "disciplined" me by not letting me open the window in the car when I had a headache (huh? o.O Some form of pain management...? I...I don't get it...) My mother tried to discipline me, but having my father as an example, I would just tell her to leave me alone, and she would get frustrated and angry and walk away. The result: I didn't even realize that I didn't truly know what discipline was until a few months ago. Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually become pretty good at disciplining myself, but in useless and sometimes unhealthy ways. If I desperately need to use the bathroom when I walk in the house, I won't let myself go until I've done EVERYTHING I need to do once I get home; take off shoes and coat, feed the cats, put keys/wallet/etc. away, all while my bladder is screaming at me. Why do I do this? Who knows? OCD? I know I show signs of it but I've never been diagnosed so I can't really use that as an excuse. And is that really discipline? I think it borders on self-deprivation, just like a lot of other things I do.

But anyway, how would I define "real" discipline? Doing something I know I should do even if I don't want to? I suppose that's part of it. Even when there's something I know is worth it, meditation, yoga, cleaning and whatnot, I just get caught up in the I-don't-wanna-do-it. I keep waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

I had a moment the other day when Boyfriend and I were talking about doing something (probably something health related like yoga, I don't even remember) and I said something about "when I start," and I thought to myself, "I won't do it until I start. And why haven't I started? What am I waiting for?" Why do I always feel like it's not the right time? What do I think I'll be missing if I'm doing something else? I'm usually just sitting and thinking about nothing anyway. For some reason, the thoughts in my head seem so much more important to me than anything I "should" be doing. I suppose that's because the thoughts in my head have for so long been the only things that are really real. I think the "homestretch" toward my awakening really began when I realized, oh my god, I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I realized that the thoughts aren't real, and really aren't doing me any good. (On a side note, there was a blue jay sitting in my apple tree for quite some time, and as soon as I had a little mini breakthrough just now it flew away. Hm.)

Perhaps that inner conversation is the only thing that's ever made me feel really connected, like I was communicating with myself, like I was alive. But the ironic thing is, the inner conversation is the thing that's kept me disconnected from what's actually real. It's kept me living a false life. For much of my life, the mental body had nearly complete control of the entire system. And I can't suppress it by merely willing it to be suppressed. I have to actively send energy to the other bodies in order to deflate the bloated mental body. Like releasing a bulging dam. The physical is most definitely starving for attention.

Exercise and active meditation. Two things which have been circling around me, and which for some reason, I can't seem to embrace. Well, it's well past time.

I have my first sonogram in about two hours. (squeeeeeeee!!!!! ^_^) I'm terrified that this child is going to be small and stunted because I haven't been properly caring for myself, and that affects her in a big way. But, I was also terrified that my blood work would come back riddled with sugar and cholesterol and fully preventable things that I'd now have to deal with, and all my tests were perfect (doctor's own words). So perhaps it's just a young mother's fears. God above, I hope so.

Once I see her little body within my own, this will all feel real. Perhaps that'll be just the fire under my ass that I need. Don't worry, little baby, I'm here for you. I'm here for myself, and I'm here for you.


Friday, December 9, 2011

There is something happening. I can feel it. I've left the house every day this week, and I've been active and have spoken to people easily, both casually and to get things done. I went to a meditation class on Monday where I met someone who was nice and asked me if I was going back this evening, which I will be doing. That night Boyfriend and I hung out with a really awesome person who is now a friend (something I DESPERATELY need.) I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday (all my blood work came back perfect, THANK GOD) and my first sonogram appointment is on Monday (trying to reschedule though because Boyfriend works on Monday. He's gotta be there, right?) I had a dream last night that I walked past a neighbor of mine, and we actually got to talking. And I wasn't freaking out. And today, an old friend found me on facebook, and even though there's much that needs to be worked through with her, I haven't forgotten her and now I know she hasn't forgotten me.

Even though I'm still jobless and broke, and even though I've been slacking and the house is a mess, I've been feeling good lately. I've started on a new writing project that I've got no concrete goals for (and so am not stressed about), and I've been actively looking for jobs while trying not to be too picky. I'm still stressed, but all of a sudden it was like something shifted. I've been reminding myself not to cling to the highs, and not to get desperate in the lows. They all come and go. That's just the way of life.

I do still feel stuck. But it's a different stuck. It's no longer hopeless. Now I feel like I can wiggle my toes a bit, and turn my head and look around. I don't know if it's just the sunshine after days of rain and darkness, but I feel the light starting to shine through. I do have a tendency to let my mood be affected by the weather. I suppose that's not really a bad thing. I just have to remind myself to stay active in a different way when it's dark and cloudy outside. Stay home and clean something, meditate, do some yoga. Sunny days are the days for getting out and walking around. I've always been super plugged into the weather like that. Might as well just go with it.

Lately it's been all about discipline. Boyfriend and I have both really been feeling the effects of our diets, which for waaay too long now have consisted of shit upon shit, simply because we're too poor to eat properly. (No, seriously. I've got tater tots and veggies in the freezer and not much else, and our last grocery trip had a $30 budget, which doesn't go far in this city. But we both do eat healthy when we can.) And now with a baby on the way, our health has become top priority, especially for me. But I had no real discipline growing up, and saying no to myself has been a constant struggle (along with making myself get up from the couch). As far as my eating habits go, I'm miles from where I used to be. But with hardly anything in the fridge and nothing in my bank account, it's been tough to stay on track. Cheap and plentiful has taken precedence over healthy and pricy. And for a while, it's probably going to stay that way. But we watched a documentary a few days ago about the benefits of a whole foods diet, and he's been all over it. We can't really afford it, but even after finding an extra 2 bucks in my winter coat, I was able to walk right past a hot dog stand yesterday without stopping (oh my god hot dogs *drool*). That's where the discipline comes in. Every time I choose something to eat, I just have to ask myself, would I feed this to my child? Because that's where it ends up.

Anyway, the point of all this is that it's been hard to keep myself on track, but I'm learning. I've slacked on my meditation and yoga routine, but I've really been feeling the effect that ignoring these things has had on me. Maintenance has been a big issue for me. Just as I have to sweep the floor every day, I have to meditate every day, just to keep the piles of dust and cat fur cleared out (and oh god, the cat fur is EVERYWHERE, little monsters...<3). These things are worth it in every way possible, and even more than I realize when I'm not doing them. I just have to keep my mindset on the other side of the effort, and realize that the effort isn't nearly as bad as the result of non-effort. All I have to do is stand up. It's the hardest part, and then everything else is easy. That's what Boyfriend always tells me. And it's one of the only things that has kept me going. All I have to do is stand up.

On a side note, I just want to express how amazing my boyfriend is, how incredibly perfect he is for me despite our lack of common interests, and how unbelievable our relationship is. And not "oooh my god, I love my boyfriend, he's so great." He is truly the most wonderful thing in my life. I've put him through so much and he still thanks me every day for being with him. He actually thanked me last night just for being myself. We speak openly and honestly to each other, about everything and anything. We respect each other easily and without pretense. We have no ulterior motives. Our child will grow up with the type of parents, in the type of household, with the type of love, that neither of us had, and we both desperately needed. God truly knew what he was doing when he put the two of us together, and that makes me truly, profoundly grateful.

I love you, babe. <3 You've kept me strong.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I've felt...I don't know, odd, the for last couple of weeks. A persistent sadness, coupled with a persistent hopefulness. We are just as broke as we've ever been, I still can't find a job and even though I feel as though a change is right around the corner, I can't help but think that I've felt that way for a looong time, and I still have no real idea of where to begin. But, I've been doing a better job of keeping myself active, and even though I have no idea what I'm going to eat for dinner on any single night next week, I know this can't last forever. And I have hope. Aimless hope, but hope. Boyfriend and I are staying strong and reminding each other that we love each other. He's getting burned out from a job that's getting him nowhere and I'm getting sick of being constantly hungry. I've had heartburn for three straight days (thank the baby) and my head has been aching with a dull pang for even longer than that. But, I don't know, I can see the light.

I had an interview today and I have no idea of what my chances are of getting called back. I actually want this job (a cafe in a craft space where parents take their children to create and play) and I'm superbly qualified for it. The interview lasted about five minutes, wasn't terrible, and I was told I would get a call. So now I have no idea what to think. But I'm ever hopeful.

But even being hopeful can get tiring sometimes. O_O


And oh! I turned 25 three days ago. Not sure how I feel about that. Neutral, I suppose.

Monday, October 31, 2011

falling into place

So things are starting to come together. I called today to find out about my school applications, and found out that the decision has already been made, even though the school hasn't contacted me yet. The school that accepted me isn't the one that has the BSW, but that actually works out because it's the school I'd rather go to despite that fact, and also because since I won't be starting on social work right away, that means that I won't have to be doing internships and whatnot while I have an infant. By the time I start the strenuous schedule for my MSW, she'll be a toddler, and I'll be a competent and experienced mother, which will make it a lot easier on everyone.

I calculated my due date online, and it's June 23rd. That means that once the semester ends in May, I'll have the last month off to rest and get ready to give birth, and then the rest of the summer off to be with my kid.

Today I had the task of scheduling my first OBGYN appointment, which meant figuring out the insurance that I just signed up for a few weeks ago. While I was getting myself into phone call and research mode (no easy feat for the old me), I got a call from the insurance company saying they had some questions. Of course, the first question I got asked was if I'm pregnant, and then the rest of the conversation just took off from there. =)

I made a stress-free call to the number I was given, and now I have a doctor's office where I can walk in at my convenience to confirm the pregnancy and find out what comes next. And I have a school that will be tough to get to but easy on my schedule. The timing could not be more perfect.

Everything seems to be happening exactly when I need it to. I feel so much better about telling my mom now that things are starting to fall into place.

God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. If something happens, it's because the universe knows that I'm ready. God knows what's best for me. That is an incredible feeling, on top of the millions of incredible feelings coursing through me right now. Oh boy, I'm in for a hell of a ride =)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fearless child with the glowing eyes

My sense of time is all screwy. I found out for (almost) sure about my little bundle on Friday, and it already feels like it's been a week since then. I guess because so much has passed through my mind, and between the two of us, that it feels like a week's worth of worrying and rejoicing and planning has already passed. I don't quite "feel" pregnant yet. I don't feel like she's with me yet even though I know she is. Perhaps when she starts moving, later on this week (I can't wait) I'll begin to feel like there's a real little person with me. But now, I just feel expectant. I'm waiting to get big, I'm waiting to feel her move, I'm waiting for the symptoms to hit me for real, I'm waiting to see her little face in my arms. But mostly I just have this sense that I'm suspended in time. I don't like it that the happiness is tinged with a deepening worry. We're cleaning up the house and working on getting my first doctor's appointment scheduled (which involves finding a doctor and figuring out my insurance.) And boyfriend has gotten passed the debilitating worry and told practically everyone he knows, and he sits around smiling and giggling almost as much as I do, haha. =D Money is going to be an issue for a looong time, but together we can make it. =)

My mother still doesn't know, and neither does his. Mom's coming over on Wednesday so we can go to NJ to see Grandma, and we're gonna tell her before we leave, and then we'll be able to tell Grandma in person too. I'm scared as shit to tell my mom, because she's a worrier and a half and she likes to nag. But she's also the most supportive mother anyone could ask for, even if she is completely dysfunctional. Once I talk down the "oh my god what are you gonna do's" and all the over-the-top over-dramatic overreactions, she'll be happy. And she'll remember that I'm a adult, and so is Boyfriend, and we're intelligent ones at that.

I have this incredible sense of ease, even knowing how difficult this is going to be. Everything is changing. My eating habits are suddenly so much more of a concern, my fears are suddenly giving way to solutions, even the ways I sit and sleep and move are suddenly geared only toward her optimum health. I keep worrying that if I lean over too far, I'm going to crush her, lol. She's apparently the size of a lentil right now. In three weeks she'll be the size of a grape. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like then. I'll probably be afraid just to take a step. The words "precious cargo" suddenly mean the world to me.

I wonder if I'll be able to communicate with her spirit, especially as her birth comes closer. I hope so. I wonder who God will decide to bring into my life. I can't wait to meet this little person ^_^

It amazes me that there's a spirit out there who has chosen to come into our lives as our child, who trusts us enough to teach her everything she needs to know about the world and about the universe, who plans to love us enough to follow us wherever we go, and who trusts us to love her enough to follow her to hell if we have to. The spirit who chooses to be born to an awakened person, and one on the verge of awakening, must be coming to learn a great lesson. This is a house full of love, creativity, intelligence, and open-mindedness. She's coming to be a part of the life that my partner and I have created. I hope we can be good enough teachers to fulfill that need.

On the other hand, what lessons will she bring for us to learn? What sort of incredible spirit has blessed me with the chance to love her? Knowing my own limits, perhaps she'll be a strong and outgoing person who's coming to push me out of my fear. I have the feeling my boundaries are going to get blown to bits pretty soon. With two parents who desperately need to learn to push past their fears, I'm willing to bet that our child is going to be fearless =)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

oh baby

I've been stuck in fear. I've gotten to a deeper space of awareness, and the desperation isn't so heavy. And yet there is still this fear. I suppose I had just been living under so much of it, so much heavy weight, that I still haven't quite figured out how to remove it all. Finding my support system has been difficult because that's exactly where my fears lay, in trying to initiate that connection. And yet, I can't get anywhere unless I do. In a word, I've been stuck.

I was thinking of the car situation as a catalyst, as the one thing that would force me to make the changes I had to make. And yet I was still stuck in my fear and inaction. My mother offered to give us the money for the car so we could get it out and be in debt to her rather than the city, so that's what we did. Now we have to pay her back $900. Which is fine by me because she doesn't charge $15 a day for impound fees. But it also takes the pressure off of me to get up and find a job. But even under pressure, I still find myself immobile. I think perhaps it's the house itself that's keeping me stuck in these patterns. I'm surrounded by the reminders of inaction and depression and clutter. They keep me stuck. Or rather, I let them keep me stuck. I'm a creature of habit and it bites me in the ass more often than not.

So the car thing is dealt with. But there's my motivation gone.

Then I discovered that I'm pregnant. Wow. And there it is. There are no more excuses now. I'm afraid to make a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment? Well that's just too damn bad, now isn't it?

Jesus, the universe doesn't fuck around, does it?

On the plus side (the other plus side, cuz that's a pretty big one) this huge space has opened up in me. I'm sort of stuck, but I've reached a place where I am ok with where I am. Emotionally, mentally, I'm there. It's the physical and practical where I get stuck. That's always been my problem. Always a thinker, never a doer. I see myself bringing my child into this beautiful world, into a clean house where she can be safe and healthy, I see myself connecting with people and enjoying my life and no longer feeling trapped. But I look around me, and I just see clutter. I see fear and inaction. I can't bring her into this. I just can't. I won't.

I know I've said this so many times before, but this is it. There's no more room to let fear control me anymore. There are so many more important things than trying to preserve what I think is my safety. In trying to "preserve" myself, I deny my kid what she desperately needs, a mother who is willing and able to stand up for her and speak the words that need to be spoken. And what better motivator than this to get me there?

Boyfriend is of course all nervous. I've been looking for jobs, but who will hire me now? Luckily it's early enough that I can get a job and not have to say anything just yet, but I've never liked keeping secrets. My bluntness has cost me jobs before. Perhaps, in this case, tightening my tongue a little couldn't hurt.

Anyway, he's scared, but happy. He lets his fear get the best of him in a big way. I've tried to break him out of that, but ultimately it has to come from him. I think it helps that I can sense how he's feeling and I always let him know it. It hurts me that he feels trapped and scared and resentful of me, but really he has every reason to feel that way. He works so hard, just to come home and find I've done nothing with my day. That only increases my own anger at myself, which makes it even harder to make those changes. And there are no words I can offer him anymore. They've all been said and they no longer mean anything. I suppose the reason the words feel so empty now is because they sort of are. The time for words and promises is over. It's time to make good on them.

Ironically enough, I think a large part of my problem is the simple fact that I keep my laptop in the living room right in front of the TV. TV and computer is a baaad combo for me. Perhaps a change of scenery is in order.

There is an immense amount of change ahead of me, ahead of us. This is the change. This is the game changer.

I am so happy and so excited and so scared. But mostly, I'm just kind of in shock.

Holy jesus christ I'm pregnant. O_O



Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The catalyst

Oh boy so the last few weeks have been interesting.

So you already know my car got towed because of tickets, and we have to pay upwards of $700 to rescue it, and that price goes up every day that it's in the pound. There's been so much running through my mind and my body the last few days, I'm not going to even try to record it all.

Basically I had a complete meltdown the other day and now I feel amazing, despite the fact that I still don't have my car. I had been having stomach pains for nearly two weeks, and the car thing was the breaking point. I broke down and everything just came pouring out. I felt the moment when I shifted from desperation to determination. It's amazing the deep place of acceptance that can open up when a mountain of stress becomes a little too much to handle. That is, if you let it open up. And my stomach hasn't hurt since then.

It's difficult in this situation living with someone whose main source of stress is and always has been money. My boyfriend has had it drilled into his head his whole life that money is what matters, and his entire family lives by the notion that happiness can be sacrificed for wealth, which is why they're all so unhappy. And not one of them has any wealth, of any kind. He's been resisting this mindset for literally his whole life, but he hasn't been able to escape the mountains of stress and worry his mother dumped on him.
Living in this society, obviously I understand the value of money. But as a person, I don't place any value on it. That's not something I decided. Money has always seemed strange and foreign and nonsensical to me, even when I was a child. So it's somewhat jarring to be scrambling around trying desperately to find something I don't even believe in. It makes it hard to stay motivated, because when it comes right down to it, I have no desire for it. Money has no personal appeal to me, and it's disheartening not being able to connect with people because I don't have the money for transportation or anything else. Shouldn't meeting and talking with people be free? Why is it so hard for me to just go out and talk with someone? Where do I find these people? =\

Anyway, I got off track. It's been difficult for boyfriend and I to stay on the same page, because our mindsets about the situation are so different. I've given up asking him to trust me, because I'm not sure myself what the outcome of this will be, and my requests for trust sound ungrounded even to me. But there's nothing else I can do but trust. I have no idea if I will get my car back or not, but it matters that I tried. Just as in yoga, the quality of the effort is far more important than the result. I just hope I can do something to help him ease his stress before it overwhelms him, which has been known to happen. So yes, I'm worried I'll never see my car again. But I keep coming back to that deep place, and the words "just let it be" have been carving a place in my mind. When I am ok with the quality of the effort I put forth, and with the person I find in myself, I can be ok with the results of that person's effort, because I know that I did something, and whatever comes of it is the result of something that felt right to me at the time.

Right now I'm trying to get my Etsy shop up and running, for the third time. I've got a plan, I'm working on clearing the space in my house, and I can feel the support of my whole being behind me. I was praying to God to help me, praying that this will finally work, and praying that I will start to see some small funds trickling in. And today, just when I needed it most, I checked my email and saw that I made a sale yesterday out of NOWHERE. It's been a year and a half since someone found my shop on their own and bought something. I haven't listed anything in months, and somehow, this woman found me. What are the chances, huh? Well, I guess the chances were pretty good because it happened ;)
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that the universe had my back, I can let go of it now.

I would like to offer my personal thanks to God, who is still showing me the way.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

All things for a reason

I've been placing fear on myself. I've felt for a long time that something had to give soon, because with only boyfriend working and me continuing to sit here day after day, frustrations are starting to run rampant. And then the car got towed because we couldn't pay our tickets.

Getting a job looks like it's going to have to happen. There is maybe 1% of me that wants a job. There are no jobs in my area, and I'm not qualified for anything more than retail, and retail and I don't really get along. The car getting towed was sort of the last straw. A couple of total meltdowns later, I feel like I'm ready to start making some moves. I've been trying to make those moves for months now, and my fear has only held me back. Looks like now I don't have a choice.

We have to pay off more than $700 (plus more and more each day for the impound fees) and I have a dollar in my pocket. Oh God, get us through this.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I've said many times that this life has been all about breaking boundaries. I can't help but feel that this will continue to be the case in the future. I feel like I'm expanding outwards, like after I've dealt with the boundaries I've placed on myself, I can keep moving farther out, breaking the boundaries I see outside of my self as well.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I notice that when I've been slacking on the things I'd like to be doing, I invariably begin doing them eventually, because I haven't given up. This made me realize that even though the changes are coming slower, they're coming from a much deeper place. When I get up (or sit down) to do something, it comes from a desire to do it that goes beyond a mental conviction that I should. It comes from a deep knowing that doing it will fulfill that need I have. I can feel the directions I'm pulled in now, and it feels good and right to follow those paths. It feels natural. I'm learning how to observe in order to let myself be. Or, let myself be in order to observe. Why confuse things with words.

The upswing always feels nice.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hello, Autumn

I really should write things down before I forget them, especially when I know I'm not going to get to the computer till the next day. >-< Doh!

Anyway, the gist of it was, God is the nature of all things. I realized that in order to allow my intuition to flourish, I must allow every aspect of my own being to exist as it naturally would without outside interference. When you take a handful of pebbles and throw them down onto the ground, they land as they naturally would, bouncing off of each other and propelling each other in all directions, and each pebble will continue in the direction it is bound for. The result is a chaotic arrangement of pebbles that looks, well, natural. But when you go in and start placing them in patterns in order to make them look natural, you get something that looks contrived, and over-analyzed. You only get what you're going for when you allow gravity and chance to do the work for you.

Financially, I am worse off than I was a week ago. But everything else is golden.

Writing has a compulsion for me that I can't ignore, and I know it will play heavily in my life. I've gone a long time without writing anything, or at least anything "creative". (All writing is creative for me, but you know what I mean.) But I've never lost the drive for it. Even when I had no idea why I wanted to write, and wasn't even sure that I wanted to, I still wanted to. I'm making more of an effort to read more, and I'm actively trying to write down whatever comes to my mind to write. Right now I'm oiling up the rusty spots.

Boyfriend and I were sitting and talking about oatmeal yesterday, because we were eating it, and he said he wanted me to make more of the oatmeal cranberry walnut cookies I made a few months ago. Then, because Boyfriend has the eternal entrepreneurial spirit, he said, "We could sell-WE COULD SELL COOKIES!"
Now, this was a life-changing event for several reasons. 1) He's wanted to start some sort of food service business for a long time. Money has always been the issue, but cookies we can do in our own kitchen. 2) I came to the conclusion that even when I love my job, I hate having a job. It just doesn't feel right for me. I'd much rather work from home. And all we really need to get this up and running are to organize the kitchen, get some baking supplies, and play with a few recipes. He's a natural at marketing and come on, who doesn't want cookies? Homemade chocolate chip, 3 for a dollar in a cellophane bag. Yes please.

We're calling it HoneyButton Bakeshop. All our recipes will be made with honey instead of sugar, and our logo will be a button with a bee flying around it. We've already come up with a few signature recipes =D The first thing to do now is just clean and organize the kitchen. I've been talking about getting that done for a while now. Time to stop talking, eh?

I've been feeling the shift lately from inaction to action, from confusion to clarity. Today I feel like no dark space is hidden from me any longer. I've learned how to focus without stifling. As I was thinking about this and feeling pretty good, I got this tweet on my phone, from @meditationtip: "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. This is the day your life really begins."

Anyway, I'm feeling a walk in the forest so I'm going to go get ready for that. Can't wait to go enjoy that weather =)

Friday, September 16, 2011

Impermanence is the only constant.

My temp job is now over. I was hoping that I would be able to stay permanently, but the manager wants people who read classics, and I guess my preferences weren't to his liking. I guess sci fi wasn't good enough for him =P

I am now back to needing a job. But, now I have a clearer head, and a bookstore job to use as a reference. My boyfriend is persuading me to take a week off before I start looking again, to work on that dusty old manuscript, keep working out (20lbs down so far), and generally just relax. I suppose I need it, but I still feel like I'm sort of in limbo. I guess I'm just still getting used to the weightlessness of no-worry and neutrality. It's going to be a bit of a struggle to keep myself motivated because I found out that yesterday was my last day mere hours before the end of my shift, which was not so easy to deal with. I suppose I feel very angry about that, and the term "asshole" has crossed my mind several times about several different people. All things for a purpose, I suppose.

I really just want to move onto a hippie commune and, ya know, enjoy myself.

So now I am at the threshold of another vacation, however long it should last.

movement of many kinds
thoughts and ideas

This is my time.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The calm after the storm

Been gone a while. We were out of cable because of the storm, and in that time I just got out of the habit of spending my whole day on the computer. I've gone days without checking my email. It's been nice and I'm not in a hurry to get back to it. That hurricane, in so many ways, was exactly what I needed.

A huge part of my social anxiety was the fear of stepping out onto my own doorstep. I live right next door to a family member who I don't really get along with, (the same can be said for pretty much any member of my family) and it's made it awkward to go outside and risk seeing her. Stupid, I know. But it's actually gotten easier for me since I began healing myself. In the case of my other neighbors, it's just general anxiety. I always had the sense that they know something's "wrong" with me, and that they all talk and whatnot. But then I realized, I used to spend all my time at home staring out the window, and I still had no idea what my neighbors did on a daily basis. How should they know or care about what I do?

Then the hurricane hit. A tree came down on my block early Sunday morning and brought a lot of power lines down with it. That day, when the sun came up and the wind was still blowing, everyone came outside. There was this huge tree, completely intact, lying across the middle of the street and blocking it off entirely. Everyone just stood around marveling. People who live just doors away, who I haven't spoken to in years, were standing in front of my house, and we talked. Not about much, but we talked. As the day wore on, everyone spent it just going in and out of their houses, milling around, talking to each other about the tree and whatever else, and I realized how natural it was for them to do so. I realized they had sort of an open connection with the outsides of their houses, and it was nothing for them to get dressed and do something outside, even if it's just sitting on their own steps. I decided that I needed to hold on to that connection. I couldn't let fear keep me in my house.

With that also came the black out. It was during the day, and we got our power back the same day because there's a woman across the street who has a respirator. But just those few hours without power, and the subsequent few days without cable, forced me to entertain myself by means other than the TV and the computer. It's been rather enjoyable. I've actually lived in the last few days.

I have a job now that I truly enjoy. It's only temporary, but hopefully I can change that.

Anyway, I have other things to do.

How has a disaster changed your life?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Please, don't try to make sense of this.

For many weeks now I've feared that I've let myself slip, that my energy is decreasing, that I'm not moving in the direction I should be, because I'm not moving anywhere at all, really. It's bugged me.

But, I am vast distances from where I used to be. I feel like I haven't done much, because all of a sudden my standards for "doing things" are much higher. Today I folded some laundry and put it away (actually put it away, not just piled it somewhere,) I did the dishes, I cleaned the living room (sort of) and Boyfriend and I cooked a lovely dinner together that's still making me feel warm and fuzzy and nourished inside. Our room is cleaner than it's been in...god, I don't even know, and I'm generally feeling ok with everything. (And yes, standard household chores are a major improvement for me. You don't know the extent of the depression, stagnation, and general clutter my father left behind. Could have left a will, but ya know...)

I've also been eating healthier because it's suddenly much harder not to. I've had just about no money, and I've been struggling, but for the most part, I'm happy. It amazes me that I've been happy lately. I used to be miserable with just a twinge of fierce determination to be happy. Now, I'm basically happy, with just a twinge of desperation that I am suddenly able to handle. Just a little squeeze of lemon juice on top =)

Anyway, weird analogies aside, I'm feeling pretty good. I guess now I'm just accustomed to this new higher level, so I haven't yet noticed how far I've come. Or actually, I just did o.O

Anyway I seem to be full of words and thoughts lately. I need someone to talk to, and I also need to strengthen my meditation and exercise practices.

Oooohh I get it, suddenly there are more positives than negatives. And the negatives are still the same, telling me they need the most work.

I'm going to end this post here because I feel a long rambling diatribe coming that really doesn't lead anywhere.

I feel like I'm headed toward something major. I feel like I'm headed toward something that will change my life forever. What could it be? Could it just be that I'm making the decision, every day, to change the way I live in the world and the way I think about it? I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. That's major for me. I'm finally nearing the end of the social anxiety ride. Now I just need that real world practice that I've lacked my whole life. Everything I've ever "experienced" has been in my head. I've had whole relationships with people in my head. Does that make me a crazy person? Or just someone desperate for interaction? Both?

I still have this lack of motivation that keeps pulling me down. I feel like I'm trying to get myself up and moving, but for some reason I just can't do it. Am I afraid to? How can I be afraid to make something happen when sitting here doing nothing is causing me so much distress? I really just think I need to get up earlier, and then stop slacking when it comes to doing the things I feel need to get done. I think part of the reason I stop myself is because I always feel like it's not the right time. I feel like when I sit down to do something, meditate, exercise, write, read, whatever, it's not the right time. Why do I feel like this? What is there that I should be doing, or should have done first, that stops me from doing what I know I actually need to do? But, wait a minute. I feel like if I were to just stop what I was doing, just stop everything and take a good look at myself and at what I'm doing, I'll be better equipped to make the next move. I really feel like if there was something blocking me, than it was nothing other than the thoughts in my own head. I let all these thoughts block me, but I don't make the effort to remove the thoughts. I just sit and I sit and I just waste my day, waste my time. I just need to meditate. Every day, with no excuses.

The funny thing is, I do meditate, just not the way you'd think. I guess you could say I meditate with my eyes open. Focus has never been my strong point. And yet, I have intense focus. I don't claim to know what's going on in my own head most of the time. I just see it as it comes up. I know none of this makes much sense. But I kind of feel like there are words I can't access. Maybe I just need sleep. I will wake up early tomorrow, I will meditate, and I will do yoga. And I will go to work, and I will make the decision to have a Good Day.

With that said, I'm going to bed now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

waiting to inhale

I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. It's not a bad feeling, but I feel like I've just closed the door behind me, but the door in front of me isn't open yet, like I'm just sitting around in this little neutral space waiting for the next change. I've always had a problem with motivation. My lesson, I suppose, is that it's up to me to make that change happen.

I admit I've been slacking, as has been the case with me for pretty much my entire life. I've always been a slacker. Well, to put it less bluntly, I've always been a thinker, not a doer. And that's exactly where I've been lately. Stuck in my head. For some reason I can't get up the will power to exercise. I don't have as much trouble leaving the house, but just getting up and getting dressed is hard. It's not that it's hard, I just haven't been doing it consistently. I guess now that I've released whatever emotion was behind it, I just need to work on developing the habit. That's where I've gotten stuck.

I'm on a mission to start getting up earlier (early) every day. I've never been a morning person, except when I do get up early, and I realize how much I actually do love the morning. I just hate waking up. But because I get up late, I feel like by the time I'm done just hanging around doing nothing, the day is half over, and by that time, what's the point? I want to do it, but for some reason I don't do it.

I guess now, everything points to the action. Time to get out of my head. Best thing for that right now would be exercise. I just have to actually do it.

Good news is, I have my first day of actual work tomorrow. I had my training last week, and tomorrow I have my first short, pre-book rush shift, just to cement the skills I learned last week. After tomorrow, the real fun starts. Hoping to make some connections at this place, but also trying to just let whatever happens, happen.

I notice I'm more willing to accept lately. I'm in a sort of "down time," but this is just the exhale. I'll inhale when I'm ready.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Not a spiritual post, but still...

Earthquake on the east coast? WTF.

I was putting socks away when the whole house started shaking. For a split second I thought there was a ghost pulling the drawer out of the dresser, then I realized the door was shaking, then I realized it was an earthquake, then the "wtf I'm in NY" kicked in, then my father in law called from VA but I missed it, then I jumped on facebook and realized what was happening. Called Pop but phones are down, finally just got a text. Thank God they're all ok.

Well anyway, I still have socks to put away.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I know I am headed in the right direction because even when I've felt myself get low, I know it's only temporary. This thought, along with everything else that's going right lately, keeps me going. I'm still aware of the darkness, but now I have the sense that it's shot through with light. And even when I don't really like what I feel, I remember that I feel it, and that's enough.

I had my first day of my new job today. It's temporary so it's a lot to learn in a really short span of time, but I really enjoyed it, and I really hope I can convince the manager to let me stay when the back-to-school rush is over. I decided to stop worrying about where I was headed or when I would get there. That's when things started happening, and I started to feel lighter.

I realized that even though I haven't been completely sure that my decisions are right, I have been pretty sure that they aren't wrong.

This life has been all about overcoming obstacles and breaking boundaries. Everywhere I turn there's an obstacle. For the first time, breaking through them seems manageable, and almost fun. I ran around a lot today just getting shit done, and I had fun, just doing whatever it was I had to do. I came home and was less tired than I had been when I woke up, and I wasn't even that tired then.
Oh my god what's happening to me? D=


Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Oh boy yesterday was quite a roller coaster.

Boyfriend left for work before we had finished talking, and I spent the day on the verge of tears feeling like I still had so much more to say, because I did. As soon as he walked in the door I burst out crying. It felt like all the built up energy I had been carrying around just came up. It felt like pulling the cork out of a bottle that's been building up more and more pressure. It felt good.

We spent a good bit of time talking once he got home, and every time I started on a topic that needed to get released, I would start crying and just talk through the tears and let it all happen. At certain points it felt like I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying, my mouth was just moving and I was discovering all these thoughts as I listened to myself speak them. That was the best blubbering weep session I've had in a looong time.

I am so glad I have someone who is willing to stick by me and listen to me moan at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Oh and, I have an interview tomorrow. It's a temporary job, but it's the perfect job I've been looking for (bookstore! =D) and hopefully I can impress them enough to make it permanent.

I knew there was something big on the way.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I'm stuck.

I've spent quite a few weeks working through social anxiety disorder. Now I feel like I'm ready for the challenge of moving out into the world and connecting with people. But first I have to work through the depression. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I feel stuck in myself. My boyfriend resents me because I don't have a job, and it's difficult for me to accomplish even small tasks from day to day. The fact that he resents me only makes it harder because I don't have his support. He says I need help, (well, we both say that) but I've already been in therapy and it really didn't help. I need a spiritual counselor, someone who understands both the spiritual and the psychological. It boggles my mind sometimes how much I'm dealing with right now. And all while I'm sitting on my couch watching cooking shows.

I'm sort of at a standstill with my school applications. I've decided to take a chance and apply to a different school, which means now I have to get my high school transcripts, but there's no one at my high school until September, so I have to put the whole thing on hold. It'll probably work out though, because since I'm taking a chance on a different school, I won't be going until the Spring and I actually have the time to wait. I don't know how I'll get through the next few months. But I'll find a way. All things for a reason, I suppose.

Now I just have to figure out how to get my boyfriend to love me again...

just rambling...

I feel something big on the way. I'm not one to let myself get my hopes up, but so far many of my predictions have been true.

I overthink everything. Like you wouldn't even believe. Every little thing that happens, everything I see, my brain takes it and turns it upside down and inside out and looks through it and behind it and inside of it and every which way, but my conclusions are never verified because for some reason I never take the time to verify them. I've never taken risks, I've never let myself leave the safety of my surroundings, I've never allowed myself to live as if I loved myself and cared enough to allow myself to be everything that I want to be. I've always just been content with those conclusions, relying on my own mind for the experience I was too afraid to have. I have trouble even understanding the concept of truly caring for myself. But maybe that's exactly it. I try to understand everything, I try to think everything, I try to "know". And even when I was convinced that I was a feeling person and not a thinking person, I always had the sense that this was false, that I was just trying to be that. And really, I was. But the mental stepped in and took everything over. I became a slave to it. I feel like I'm trying to dig myself out of wet sand.

I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I've lived my entire life inside my head. I'm only recently coming to understand the severity of my social anxiety. For some reason when I was younger I only thought I was deluding myself thinking there was anything wrong with me. It was "cool" to have mental disorders, so I just told myself I was inventing them. The older I got, the more aware I became that there was something wrong. The possibility was always popping up in my mind. Now, I look back, and I wonder how anyone could have missed it. It always occurs to me to resent this when I think about it, the fact that neither of my parents made the effort to see what was really going on with me. But, I never actually get that far. It feels like I should resent it, but underneath that is the deep sense that without that, I would not have become what I am now.

It seems as though everything I've ever wanted, everything I strove for, was something I feared or couldn't do, or just one more of my many general obstacles. I've always wanted to draw, and I always sucked at it. (No, really.) I was always extremely visual, and my vision is terrible. I wear my glasses from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I desperately wanted someone, just one person, who would just be my friend and leave it at that, no gossip, no drama, no choosing boyfriends and other friends over me, just someone who would accept that person who everyone else thought was too weird to hang out with. And I was always that kid who got left to sit in a corner at lunch time because I was too afraid to go up to anyone, and they never bothered to come up to me. When I transferred schools in fifth grade, it was a matter of weeks before everyone in the class had begun to ignore me, and I became best friends with the three most shunned people in the entire school. We all (not so) secretly hated each other, but there was no one else who would talk to any of us. So we went through the next 4 years insulting each other and making each other cry and then going to each other's houses after school. And we all genuinely disliked each other, that's what made it so miserable.

High school was a blessing. I met my boyfriend the day I graduated, and he's kept me sane and living for 7 years.

And yet, somehow, I was always deeply happy, even when I was miserably depressed. I find it hard to describe what my emotional state was at that time. I was desperately unhappy, and yet, I had the sense that I was just pulling through until I reached the other side. I think, many times, I was just too depressed to realize how happy I was. I let my true spirit get covered up with the same thick darkness that my father had sunken into. But I knew it wasn't who I was. I never truly owned the depression. I never considered it a part of me. That's why it took me so long to fully realize what it was, even though I always knew deep down it was there.

It feels like all the largest blocks are only released when I've sort of... built a containment unit for them. Sort of creating a little bubble of light so that I can see what I'm looking at, but it doesn't suck me in. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it doesn't really matter right now.

The whole time I was writing this I debated whether or not to publish it. I have one or two other posts that I considered too personal to post once I had finished them. But, this is a documentation of my spiritual journey, and the inherent growth. Well, there is it right there. ^^

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The forest

Open house at my (hopefully) school today. Kinda nervous for some reason but I know I have no reason to be. Ah well. Move through the fear.

Once when I was younger, I was with my parents at our house in upstate NY. The house sits at the top of a hill, and behind it is a forest that extends for several miles. I've never explored it as fully as I'd like (I've always had a deep wish to live in the forest, where the natural world is still intact). But every so often, I would walk in as far as I could go without getting lost, which wasn't very far, and just sit and absorb the surroundings.

One day as I was sitting there, I tried imagining what the forest would be like if I wasn't there. There was a sudden stillness as I felt my mind go blank. I could feel the energy of the trees around me, just existing in their natural state, placing no pressure on themselves to do or be anything other than exactly what they were. I could feel the still awareness of the forest. For a second, I became a part of it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I could feel my heart opening. I could feel myself entering a different state of mind. There was a hint of fearful awe as I felt this. Even though I had no reference for it and couldn't fully understand it, I knew that it was something "good." But I also knew (or thought, at least,) that I wasn't yet ready for it. I brought myself back to my mind and walked out of the forest, not realizing how deeply I had changed in those few moments.

This wasn't something I thought about too often until recently. Deep down I knew the experience had had a profound effect on me, but it wasn't something I had a reference for, and so I just accepted it and wondered about it from time to time. Now, looking back on it, I realize what it was. But I won't attempt to butcher it with words.

Every time I start to enter a state of meditation, a real state that happens on its own and not just a half-hearted attempt, I feel like it's not the right time, and I pull back. I don't know why I do this. I suppose that's just my ego trying to keep a hold on itself. Actually, that's exactly what it is. And yet, I've seen and understood things most people don't understand. I guess I'm just really good at intellectualizing. God knows, I've spent enough time stuck in my head.

Awakening is a strange beast...

Monday, August 8, 2011

ups and downs

Jesus, the spiritual awakening process takes sooo much out of you.

But it puts a lot back, too.

I've been feeling pretty disconnected lately. I've felt a lot of darkness building up around me and in me. Depression and constant isolation has made it difficult to pull myself up out of it, and I've felt myself beginning to sink. I've realized over the past few days how intense and severe my social anxiety is.

Today started out rough and looked like it was going to be another painful day of sitting on the couch being lonely and restless and too scared to take the walk I desperately need. Then the boyfriend showed up hours early from work, basically told me to get up and get a job, and it just started to go downhill from there. Then, after many tears, he finally went to his computer and did the research I've been telling him to do for years. He finally made the effort to understand my disorder. Finally. After seven years. Seven years of being misunderstood and expected to just "snap out of it." Finally, finally, he understands, and is able to help and support me.

After a few more good, clean tears, I'm feeling pretty ok right now.

It's amazing how light I suddenly feel. I could feel my body getting heavy the last few days. It's been tough to even do my yoga every day, and I haven't for a few days now. I was worried that I would start gaining back the weight I lost. And the house is starting to gain back the mess it lost. Maybe now I can get back on track. =)

My school application is complete, and now I just need to wait for a decision. I'm going on a tour of the school on Wednesday. The boyfriend was supposed to come with me, but now he has to work that day (which is why he came home early today). So it looks like I'm gonna be doing this one alone. That's fine by me. I've gone on school tours by myself before. Although I really did want him to come. =/ Oh well.

It's been tough for me to develop a meditation routine. "Proper" meditation was never something I did consistently, even though I've desperately needed it the past few weeks. What's stopping me? I guess I always feel like there's something else I should be doing. But what? Cleaning, getting out of the house without the boyfriend having to escort me to the grocery store, exercising. All things I can easily do. But because of weight loss, lack of motivation, and sudden dislike of pretty much every piece of clothing I own, I really have nothing to wear. Looks like today is another "massive amounts of laundry" day. Hopefully I can find something presentable so I can go out into the world and feel confident.

I keep forgetting that I'm on the right track. Awakening has made me painfully aware of all the changes going on within me, and of the pain my disorder causes. I think I've been getting lost in that pain. But that's what it's all about, right? Awareness. I keep forgetting how aware I am. It becomes the norm, and then the thoughts start swirling because I know I'm not where I want to be, and I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough to get there. But I also keep forgetting that it doesn't really matter where I am, so long as I know where I am. And I pretty much do. I just need to keep moving, because this sitting still and doing nothing all day certainly isn't helping me move forward. And yet, all of a sudden, I've moved forward. o.O

I'm not too sure I really understood anything I just wrote.

Stop thinking and just get on with it, Leslie.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I have an undiagnosed learning disability. My old therapist gave disability assessments when she was in college, and she suggested I get tested. I never did, so I don't have the papers to prove it or anything. But it's obvious that it's there. Somehow, my parents never noticed (same as the SA). Or perhaps they just had their fearful suspicions and never said anything. Honestly, I think the most likely scenario is that they both saw that something was just "wrong," and both chalked it up to the fact that their marriage was so strained. They didn't know what to do, and did nothing. And honestly, if you want to take the clinical aspect out, that's pretty much true. Both of them were too unhappy to truly be able to help me.

I suppose this is a lesson in forgiveness. I can't blame them or myself for the circumstances. They just were as they were. We were all in it together, in a way. And in many ways, we weren't.

Life goes on, I guess.
My social anxiety is one of the things that I have had to struggle with in this life. Because it was so severe, I realized (after the fact) that a true spiritual awakening was the only way that I'd be able to break out of it. I also knew that, since I had an awakening "planned" for this life anyway, social anxiety would be one of the catalysts for it, one of the hardships that pushed me toward a revolutionary change. I needed the anxiety to necessitate the awakening, and I needed the awakening to overcome the anxiety. This sort of symbiotic relationship has led me to knowledge (and relief in knowing) that the struggles of this life were, and still are, for a purpose. Had I been content and happy, I wouldn't have needed the change, and I wouldn't have become what I was put on this Earth to become.

Turns out the tools needed to overcome social anxiety disorder are actually quite similar to the tools developed and used in an awakening. You learn how to love yourself and others, you learn how to accept what others may think or feel about you or themselves, you learn how to overcome fear and do what you feel moved to do. It's been a long and difficult journey for me. But there's strength beneath the mountain of fear.

I have to admit, I am still in the process of trying to overcome my fear. I think I'm ready for the challenge, I just don't know where to begin. I have no connections outside my immediate family, and it's tough just walking out into the street with nowhere to go and no money to get there. I've been looking for a job, but there are so many things holding me back, and I just don't know where to start changing those things.

I think I need to have a powwow with myself.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

not quite shitless, but still scared

So my mother just left for Europe for a month. Two problems with this: 1. I wanna go >=( and  2. Now I have to finish my college application process by myself and I'm really not sure what I'm doing. I mean, I basically know what it will involve, but I've never done this by myself before and there are a lot of finer details I'm going to have to figure out by myself, like where the rest of my $14K is going to come from. Haha! D=

all things heal

I can be extremely judgmental. That came to my attention a few years ago, and it's bothered me since then. Now, it's in my way more because it's getting in the way of me enjoying time with people. I think I developed that trait because, since I couldn't actually get to know people, I made do trying to figure out who they were through the small glimpses I got of them. The clothes they wore, the way they pronounced a certain word, the way a mother would speak to her child, small one-time occurrences that for me would become the whole person. Actual interactions scared me and so I wouldn't get to know what was underneath a woman's make-up. Ironically, I also spent a lot of time wishing people knew that I was more than just the t-shirt I was wearing that day. Perhaps there's more to it than that, but seeing it written out and logical, it seems right.

I wish people were more spiritual. It makes it difficult to interact with people when I'm going through shit they can't begin to understand, and all they want to talk about is their new shoes, or how much they hate their jobs. I hated my job too, but I made the jump and quit, and actually tried something different. And I'm still trying. Which is more than they can say.

I don't know why I never made the effort to look for the good in people. I think I was afraid that if I allowed someone else to open to me, it would force me to open to them, and I wasn't confident in what would be found, by either of us. So I kept myself closed off.

Awakening is just an intense process of seeing yourself more clearly, without judgment. And I haven't been able to see myself clearly because I haven't seen anyone else clearly. I've been putting fear onto myself.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Moving upwards

Everything lately has been telling me to MOVE UPWARDS. I've been really feeling the last few weeks that it's time for me to expand my voice, and start work on the higher energy centers. I've felt the need to expand my yoga practice, doing more cardio and start working on my arms more, and I've needed to develop a real meditation routine. I've completed stage 1 of the clean-up, mainly involving the main floor of the house, and for a while I've been sort of avoiding moving up to my room and the piles of laundry waiting for me there and in the laundry room. Today I just kind of started doing laundry, and I got through about 4 loads. While I was putting the first load into the drier I thought to myself, it's time to move upwards! The downstairs is finished, so start cleaning upstairs! And that's when I pieced together all the signs. And I realized how ready I was to start working on the next phase. Where that leads, or where it even begins, I have no clue. But I'm just going with it.

I've been sort of half-heartedly looking for a job. I don't want one, but for a lot of reasons it looks like it's going to have to happen. However, chances are moderately good that I'll be starting school in the fall, and I've been adding items to my shop lately and I'm going to ask the boyfriend to help me market it. That's money and a social life taken care of. No, the shop isn't much income but, for now at least, I don't need much.

I was out of work for a long stretch about a year ago, and even though my shop started out ok, I lost interest, as I usually do in everything else. But this time, even though I haven't put much effort into it, I haven't forgotten about it completely, and I've been having ideas way more often. I've also realized how important it is for me to have a real personal hand in making my own living. It's not even a matter of values or opinion, I just feel that that's the direction my energy wants to go. I feel it expand when I consider the prospects of making a living with the things I create myself. It's very satisfying.

I still have the social anxiety to contend with. I realize fully now how detrimental it's been to me for my entire life. I have loving people around me who only want to be a part of my life, and I continually push them away, out of fear. But it gets me nowhere and it only causes me pain and frustration. But I am, as I've said, moving upwards. And tomorrow is a new day.

Good night, folks.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I am grateful that I have a home that I love. Social anxiety has made it difficult to leave the house, and had I not had love for this place, I wouldn't have been able to stay sane. I'm grateful that I have a person who allows me to be completely myself, and who truly listens to me when I speak. I'm grateful I have a mother who's letting us live in her house rent free, and who has always allowed me to make my own choices, which she always supported.

I think the reason I was able to keep myself sane when I was growing up, the reason I was able to survive, is because I knew I would survive. I knew that at some point in my life, I would be the true me I saw in my future. I was determined that I wouldn't end up in the black depression my father created for his family, and eventually died in. I always felt that 24 would be a major transformation year for me, and my prediction has turned out to be true. Now, I see big things for myself in the future, but I'm not sure when or in what capacity, exactly. I have a clearer vision of it now, but I still don't know the details. And honestly, I don't feel that I'm supposed to. The only thing I need to do now is take the steps I feel I should take at this time.

Lately I've had trouble taking those steps. Social anxiety has held me back at every turn. But I've kept trying to move forward. It's been a very difficult journey with constant setbacks, struggling uphill pulling a weight I've carried since before my memory. But I always knew that I was struggling toward something.

Stuck in a bit of a rut lately. I can't wait to start school...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I am not seven chakras, I am one bright white column of light. It fills every corner.

I am slowly beginning to overcome my fear of phones calls. I called the admissions office of my school today to get more info. I met with my mom's tax prep guy to help fill out the tax info on my FAFSA, hung out with an old friend and went to an awesome tea shop. My stomach hurts from all the tea though. =)

I think sometimes when people are advised to "accept themselves for who they are" they immediately think "But who am I?" If that's the case, then you're thinking too much. When you accept yourself, that's when you begin to know yourself. Because you aren't judging what you find and putting any filters over it, you see those things clearly.

So apparently there's nothing more I need to do for my school. I can still get in despite the late application, and as far as I understand, they take care of the transcripts and whatnot. Now I just have to wait for them to contact me. I only found one feasible school that has the program I'm looking for, so it's kind of a one-shot deal. I could find another school if I decided to branch out and possibly move/dorm someplace, and if that were the case, I would wait until the Spring semester to work and build up some savings. So either way it works out. And that's the first time I realized that.

I am grateful that hot dogs are cheap, easy and delicious. And it takes me a while to get tired of them.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Breaking the cycles

I've noticed that when I actively put energy toward something, some aspect of my life or part of my body that needs to be healed, eventually I find a way to heal it, without much thought. It just seems to happen. I've been losing weight practically every day doing yoga, but I was having trouble getting a good arm workout or stretching my calves and hamstrings (I've always had trouble with my legs/lower back). I sent energy through my legs and arms, and I finally figured out the best way to work both, with one move. I was having trouble figuring out the direction I was headed in, and what I wanted to be doing with my life when I finally "make it," and that just happened for me too, without much thought. It came to me and just felt right. Everything just seemed to fit.

Now, it's all dependent on my ability to move past my fear and do the work I need to do. I know that with the right training, social work will be something I thrive in. But right now, I'm still struggling with social anxiety, and it's hard for me just to get dressed every day. Now that I'm trying to get myself into school, I've got all these phone calls I need to make, all this information I need to find on my own. It's a very abstract process for me right now, because I'm not sure exactly what needs to happen when, and I tend to get frightened when what's expected of me is unclear or I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I've already completed the online application for the school I want to attend, and I suppose the best thing for me to do now would be to call the admissions office and find out what the next step is. That's what they're there for, right? But I feel like before I call, I need to already have all the info I need. Which is ridiculous because, if I already had all the info, I wouldn't need to call. I guess I just need to suck it up and call. This process alone will test my strength. And honestly, it's the perfect thing to push me beyond those boundaries I've had around myself. I just need to let myself step outside the walls. Literally.

I know what you're thinking; what does all this have to do with my spiritual journey? Well, everything. Turns out, the spiritual path takes on a whole new color when wrapped in the evil little bubble of social anxiety. Finding the support of a spiritual community becomes that much more of a struggle, and so holding myself in that spiritual space becomes harder and harder. But I know that I wouldn't be in this situation if there wasn't something for me to gain from it. Every single day has been difficult for me. But imagine how strong I will be when I finally push past my fear? It's happening slowly, but it's happening. Perhaps I'll end up specializing in helping people cope with social anxiety, or helping children and their families prevent it. I'm not too sure what my exact destination is, but I guess that's the whole point. The only thing I can see clearly is what's happening right now, and that's the only thing I should be focusing on. I suppose I don't have much of a choice right now but to pick up the phone and call.

The boyfriend and I are going today to obtain some health insurance. I'm meeting him at his job and we're going from there. I am grateful for the days when leaving the house is easy.

That means, though, that I don't have too much time to make that call...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Patience gets tested now.

As soon as I made the decision to pursue child psychology, my mother started gathering information and speaking to people for me. Turns out, she knows someone who works in the exact field I'd like to enter. That person's advice was for me to get my bachelor's and master's in social work, and my doctorate in child psychology. In searching for a school that has a bachelor's degree in social work, I've realized that this is exactly the profession I've been searching for, without having a name or a form for it. And my mother and her boyfriend and their friend are almost more eager to get me into school than I am. It all fits. All the things that I picture for myself in the future, all the things I want for myself and strive for and feel I'm capable of, they're all possible in social work. Of course, I'm trying to stay flexible. Who knows where I may end up, but I know the path I'm walking. There is no doubt in my mind, this is what I was put on this Earth to do.

I've found the school that has what I'm looking for. The goal is to be in the classroom by September. It's already the end of July. Come oooon, late acceptance.

*fingers crossed*

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The future reveals itself in time

So I haven't had steady internet access for the past few days, and I won't for a while. I'm in a Starbucks right now so I'll make this quick.

I went to a free meditation class the other day and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Lately I've had this feeling that I'm just sort of drifting, like I'm not sure where I'm going. But I haven't been worrying about it. My anxiety is decreasing and it's been easier for me to speak up to people. I had an actual conversation with someone. That was a great feeling.

I had been babysitting a 5 year old for a while, and because of a retarded situation, her mother decided not to bring her over anymore. The mother loses a trusted babysitter, the kid loses a healthy environment, I lose the child and the money. So I've been trying to figure out how to combat the mother's massive ego, while making it possible for everyone to be civil and for the child to get the one-on-one that she needs, and doesn't get at home. It's a delicate situation and one that before, I wouldn't have been able to handle. But I talked it over with my mother. Rather than combating the massive ego, I need to appeal to it, while making it clear that I'm working for everyone's benefit. The girl's mother makes it difficult for anyone else to be heard, and as a result my already weak voice tends to shut down around her. I think this situation was orchestrated so that I could expand my voice, while giving a beautiful little girl the attention she needs and certainly deserves. It's going to be difficult treading around this one, but God doesn't give me any situation I can't handle =)

Kids have been on my mind lately. I see myself, in the ideal future, running a spiritual center where people can connect with others who share interests and values, without the cost and rigid structure of a class or seminar. Just sort of a community of people centered around a common set of values, while having the freedom to bring their own values to the party. In this vision I always see lots of kids running around, and it's been a subconscious requirement for me that my life's work involves, if not centers around, kids. The situation with the child has led me to the realization that I would flourish in child psychology. I'm hesitant to settle myself into that field yet, though, because my interests have always been varied, and I've got the brains to go in whatever direction I choose. Because I have so many channels open to me, it's been tough for me to settle on one. But this seems right. With a recognized degree, I can project my voice further and reach more people. And once I build a reputation as a child psychologist, I can develop the spiritual aspect of my practice. I can focus on helping people raise spiritual families, whether the child needs a psychologist or not. The individual will develop himself, but the family will propagate.

My only concern is the 10+ years I'm going to have to spend in school to do this. Simply put, I hate school. I certainly have the brain for it, there's no question of that. But the "accepted" school environment is not ideal for me. I don't learn well by sitting in a classroom listening to other people talk. I learn by observing things for myself, teaching myself, taking my own notes. But knowing that I have something to work toward will ease the journey. I don't know what or when, but I know there's something ahead, and I'm going to be a part of it.

But there are so many questions that are floating around in my brain lately. Am I sure it would be best for all involved to interfere in the child's life? What if I get 6 years into my education and realize child psychology isn't for me? Well, I tend to give up on things pretty quick when I'm not really invested in them. And I've done amazing things when I was invested.

Which means I need to start searching for schools now. The sooner I can start, the better. Whew, looks like we're going on a journey...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This is the second time I've tried to write a post saying what I've been wanting to say, and it's the second time I've erased everything I'd already written because I couldn't figure out the words. But the difference is, this time I'm starting over and just saying it.

We fear because we place conditions on love. The literal energy of life is love. It's what keeps us alive. We are skin and bone and brain and nerves, but what powers us? What gives self-motivation to a lump of clay? That's all we are, a pile (albeit a complex pile) of physical matter. Once the life force leaves, the clay falls back to the earth.

If, in life, we close ourselves off to this love, to this light, we experience only darkness and fear. One cannot live a life of brightness and love if he continuously shuts himself off to the precise energy that provides these things. When we do, we experience fear. Because life without love is fear. Fear is the direct opposite of love.

We are born clean, ignorant, pure, with no preconceived notions of what life "should" or "has to" be. We grow up and place restrictions on ourselves, because of how we're raised or how we perceive our bodies or our personalities. Because we restrict the amount of love, real love and not self-adoration or excessive pride, that we give ourselves, we develop a deep rooted core of fear, also called the ego. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to have your hair done right, you have to be the right weight, have the right job, listen to the right music. But is this really you? What do you like? What do you truly feel is best for you?

Accept yourself as you are, completely as you are, and you allow yourself to remove the restrictions that cause you to close yourself to your own love. Because you know that there is no "right" or "good" way to be, and that the healthiest thing is simply to be, you stop judging yourself, and start accepting yourself, thus loving yourself.

Bask in your own presence. Be aware, without judgment, of everything around you and within you.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Blessings from the Buddha

The other night, I was falling asleep, and I had a vision of a thousand Buddhas, resting on rainbows above me in a blue sky. Within moments the one Buddha was directly above me, and I felt and saw a shower of light come down onto me. I felt the light fill me, and I heard the words, "You are the Healer."

I didn't feel any different the next day, nor do I now. But there's a sense of...I don't really know, exactly. It feels like now, the only way to go is forward. I've had this sense that, even though I've been itching to get out into the world and connect with people, it wasn't the right time yet. Now, I feel it's time. I feel that I'm ready.

I don't have all the skills I need to accomplish my goals, not by a long shot. But I'm not going to acquire them until I go out and use my brain and talents, and develop those skills. I'm no longer scared, although I still don't know where to begin. But I can't let the uncertainty stop me. I've always let uncertainty stop me, and now that I think about it, it's that more than the fear that's really held me back my whole life. Fear of the unknown, I suppose. But how do I know what there is to fear or not fear, unless I go out and see for myself? My entire life I've been working based on a fear of something I've never even experienced. How helpful is that? The only fear I have left is that I will continue to sit here and waste everything that God has given me. It's time to move on.

That doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing. I still don't. And I won't for a while. But I just have to trust myself. I have to stop doubting myself, stop putting so much pressure on myself, stop telling myself that I won't be liked. Because I know that, number one, I will be, and number two, it really doesn't matter. Those who will hear me will find me, or I'll find them. But we won't find each other if I'm still sitting in my house melting.

All of a sudden the fear is just a rush of adrenaline. And all of a sudden I'm ready for this.


Sunday, July 10, 2011


At the center of every want, every pain, every fear, is nothing more than the desire to feel love. Love for yourself, and both from and for others. It is the most profound desire, and the only one which should be heeded.

Letting go of letting go

It's been a tough couple of days for everyone. I released as much as I had built up, and it felt good. It still feels good. I feel open. I feel like now, I can stop worrying, because I have nothing left to search for. Now I can work on letting things come to me, letting the issues come up when they need to, and the energy flow as it needs to. I can also let myself move as I need to.
Wow. That's incredible.

I saw my habit of trying to remember the things that I was letting go of. When the last bit of tension released, I would start to feel my heart expand, and the problems would fade away, and I would think "Wait! I need to remember what that was so I can remember not to worry about it!" Ha! It's so funny now that I write it out and look at it.
But I realized, I was trying to hold on to letting go. I was trying to remember not only the problems, but the feeling itself. I was trying to remember it so I could repeat it tomorrow. But this time, when the issues faded, they were replaced with a beautiful silence. And I realized that all the problems and issues were just dark energy disguised as human experiences. It really doesn't matter what those experiences were, it just matters that I was aware of the energy that held them in, and I was able to let it go.

Good. Now I can sleep.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Recognizing limitlessness

I was thinking, if I really was trapped inside my house, and I knew that I had no option but to stay confined within my own walls for the rest of my life, would I suffer? Probably not, I thought. If I really believed that I was completely unable to leave my home, that I was truly trapped, I would find whatever happiness I could in my situation. I would accept that life, my life at least, was only what I knew it to be, and I would adjust. I would immerse myself in the small pleasures I had available to me, and I would make an attempt to be happy.

But this made me think; because I know that I am not trapped, I crave something different, something outside my known world. The only thing that stops me from seeking the world outside my own is fear. I limit myself because "I can't" or "I shouldn't" or, tragically, "I won't." But really, why not? What is stopping me from opening up that yarn shop, or writing that book, or getting that vendor's license and selling handmade jewelry on the streets of the city? I know full well that I am completely capable. I am intelligent and well spoken and resourceful. So what's the issue?

In a word, fear. Fear is that irrational little voice that says no. I know that I am able, but fear makes me doubt. Without fear, I wouldn't question my ability to do something. I would just get on with it. And if I failed, I would learn from my failure and try again. Or move on to something else. The point is, I wouldn't give up. But because I fear, I keep myself trapped, even though I know that I'm not. So how do I move past the fear?

I suppose the only way is to move with it. I know that it'll still be there, but it doesn't immobilize me. Even if I walk out the door and don't have a clue where I'm going, I should at least walk out the door. Rather than over-thinking every move and every turn I take, I should just go where my body and my heart take me. That's intuition. Sure, I may get lost the first time, or even the first few times, but who doesn't? I can't expect myself to get it right the first time, every time. I'm not perfect. The point is, I keep walking.

But ah, now that I know the limitlessness of my options, suddenly the fear isn't quite so thick. Suddenly there's light shining down the paths that I had once kept closed to myself. Since I know that I am able to travel those paths, the fear seems less decisive. It has less of a voice. And because it fades, more light shines through, and more fear fades.

And what about you? You're human, just as I am. I think deep down, you also know that you are not trapped, which is why you search for something different, or something more. All living creatures know, in there deepest gut, that they are limitless. If we weren't, there would be no art, there would be no imagination, there would be no space travel, there would be no love. Imagine not being trapped. Imagine being able to do anything you want to do, without fear. Imagine that you are capable of limitless love, both for yourself and those around you. What does it feel like?

What fears do you have holding you back? Are they justified?

Catalyst for change

So, as I've stated before many times, I'm in the middle of a massive clean up of my house. This has been a long time coming, and even though I've thrown out loads of stuff in the last few weeks, there's still more to go. We're nearing the home stretch, but this is where it gets tricky. This is where the stuff we've neglected dealing with is pretty much all that's left, and it's time to face it.

The recent situation opened up a lot of issues for me. There's a lot of negativity surrounding the clutter in this house, and the relationships between the people who live in it. In trying to get my mother to cooperate in the clean-up, I've only met with resistance from her. She wants to keep EVERYTHING. It's only when she comes across something of mine that she says, "Oh here, we can throw this out." It's infuriating. I didn't realize how frustrating it really was until I exploded (and it was already pretty frustrating). It took me two days of skirting around the issue, but I see now that the issue is not so much the clutter, but our relationship. I've learned how to clean the house. Now I need to learn how to heal the way we relate to each other. And to do that, I've got to get her to cooperate.

In learning how to ask myself to change, I've begun to learn how to ask other people to change. Of course, I'm not going to demand that my family all change everything about themselves. But all this clinging to clutter and old energy isn't getting any of us anywhere. If I had to put up with that from anyone but my mother, it wouldn't be worth the effort, not by a long shot. But in order to straighten out my own life, I need her to be able to help.

I've always had problems opening up to her, and to almost anyone, really. I get emotionally squeamish. In any altercation with her, my voice and my mind shut down and my anger flares up. Not a good combination. The other day, I actually stood and watched as my hands filled with red light and yellow sparks. I saw it very clearly in my mind, and I definitely felt it. It was like I could actually sense the molecules of my hands and of the light rapidly slamming into each other, like every cell was vibrating. Take the anger out of the equation, and the feeling was actually kind of cool. Had I had the presence of mind to do so, I would have been able to gather the energy in my hands and play with it. Now I kind of wish I had =\

Regardless, I take the lessons available to me, and I follow to conduits that have been opened. I know I've always had trouble speaking to my mother. But, I've always been able to express myself beautifully through writing. This is the perfect time to join the two. In writing to her instead of trying to get involved in a heated discussion, I take my strengths and say what needs to be said, and release that anger in a way that I can monitor. There are things I need her to do so that we can finally begin to function, and there are things I need to do for myself. I'm now coming into the strength I need to do those things, and to ask for that change, and to push my voice past the obstacles that have contained it for so long.

This is a catalyst for a change that's needed to happen for a long time. I'm learning that sometimes, with the bigger issues, the pathway to change can open abruptly and painfully. There is nothing wrong with this. It's how that pain is handled that determines how the issue is resolved. It gives me comfort to know that God doesn't give me any situation that I am not ready to handle. I know I can do this.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Turning forward

So I've learned a lesson I desperately needed to learn. I'm way too hard on myself. I over-think things all the time. I constantly second guess myself. I need to stop. I already realized the benefit of stopping all the worrying over where I'm going to end up, now I'm working on not worrying about how to get started. My mind has attempted to control everything I do, or don't do, but now I'm giving my intuition a real shot.

I feel as though I had been stuck in the mud for so long, that to give myself that one final push, I had to take a step back and gather up the energy. I needed a boost of good motivation, and anger was the jumpstart to that. I certainly misdirected it at first, but I see that now. Now I can move past it. Now I can remember the sensation of opening up to that energy, and directing it in a positive direction.

This is where I really have to trust myself, not only for me, but for those around me. That infamous "next step" is around the corner, I know it in my gut. I just need my boyfriend to be as patient with me as I've had to learn to be with myself =(

I'm not "happy" exactly, but I've learned the lesson I needed to learn from this situation (I'll spare you the finer details), and I've certainly not given up. This has been a difficult road already, but somehow I've managed to stay strong. Turns out God does turn up when you need it =)

Looking backwards

For my entire life, social anxiety disorder has made it impossible for me to function. The thought of leaving my house to find my own path was a terrifying thought. Now, after months of soul searching and rearranging, I am ready for the challenge. The only problem is, where do I begin?

Without a social network, I'd literally be going out into the world alone. And without money, there is very little I can do, alone or not. The only jobs I qualify for are retail, and the part of my soul that's left after my 3 years in retail does NOT want to go that route again. My mother left the house under my care and yet still wants to dictate how it functions, and for some reason lately I just feel like I don't want to have anything to do with ANYBODY. It feels like other people's negativity is rubbing off on me when I'm around them. I know I have the potential to be empathic, but because I've never had a solid social network, I never had the chance to really test this out. I spent so much time by myself, only wondering about people but never getting to know them, that I never had the chance to determine if my emotions were coming from myself or someone else. I never learned to connect, or to put up barriers when I needed them. And because I only learned how to use my emotions when I was alone, I never learned how to function when I was around people.
I leave my house and I have no clue where to go and no clue how to figure out where to go, and no money to get there. I have no one I can call, no resources I can use. I have three cats to feed and I can barely feed myself.
I'd give up right now if I wasn't almost positive that I have a reason for being on Earth. What my purpose is, I've given up trying to determine. But I do know that it will involve writing in a big way. Which is why I'm writing this to you now.
God, help me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

building blocks

I feel like I'm done finding things now. First, I was searching. Then, I found the treasure trove and started digging through it. Now, I have everything laid out before me. I've thrown out a lot of the trash, and I can use what's left to start building.

I did more cleaning today. Now, the front room is nice and sunny and there's a place to sit and take your shoes off =)

We still have a lot more work to do before the whole house is cleaned up and organized. I started downstairs and the first three rooms, while not spotless, are now warm and inviting, instead of cluttered and uncomfortable. Now that I feel secure in my own living room, I can move on to the upstairs, and eventually the attic. The more I clean the more I see how I will maintain the order in the future. I have a solid standard and I can return to it when I need to, even while letting things get a little messy while I'm busy enjoying the space, rather than obsessing over it or ignoring it. But the maintenance is always easier than the complete overhaul.

Was I talking about the house? Or myself? I can't remember now...

The value of truth

"Truth is not cheap; truth is the most valuable thing in the world." ~ @meditationtip on twitter

The truth of the statement itself struck me. I could be given money, I could be given a clean home, I could be given food. But I have truth. And so I am able to give of myself.

How much more of "myself" do I have, than money? How much more of myself am I able to give?

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I've been reminded lately...

...very clearly, of the constant ebb and flow of life. I see it in everything; night and day, sunshine and rain, in the ocean tides, in the fullness and emptiness of the breath. It's rainy and cloudy and humid today, and my boyfriend's friend looked out our dining room window and said, "At least it was nice yesterday." I never understood why people think it isn't nice out when it's raining. I love walking outside after a summer rain when the air is cool and you can still smell the mist. And this reminded me, there will always be sunshine, and there will always be rain. Both are beautiful.

The energy of life moves and flows around itself, waxing and waning, pushing and pulling. All things are within your view and shouldn't be ignored. The negative is just as integral as the positive, and in fact necessary for the positive to stand. Without the negative, all things simply become neutral. And in the grandest scheme of things, where the positive truly has no negative, all things are neutral. When breaking things down into positive and negative, who's to say which is "better"? Together they create the whole. That whole is God.

Imagine lazy ripples moving out over the surface of a lake, contracting and expanding as a result of the constant movement below the surface, and of the wind. That's what the energy of the universe looks like, valleys between the peaks and peaks between the valleys. They flow with each other so that life may continue to flow. You encounter both halves in every day life, and over lifetimes. Without the valleys, the peaks merely lay flat and stagnant.

What strength have you gained or lessons have you learned from the difficult times in your life? Or just today?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Straightening up

The farther I go on this journey, and the stronger I get in yoga, the easier it's been for me to straighten up from time to time, spiritually and physically. The problem was, though, I had been reminding myself of the two at separate times. But then I realized, the body uses energy to strengthen itself, and it gets that energy from the reserves that you provide it. When you realize how deeply ingrained the spiritual energy is in the physical energy, the body itself, you see that raising the spiritual energy raises the physical energy as well. It is all part of the same system. I picture it as strings running all the way to my core, and then pulling outward in all directions. The energy lifts itself this way, from the core outward. Go ahead and try it.

How does it feel?

I spent the last two or three days cleaning the main two rooms of my house. We're not close to being finished yet, but already, it is the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. All of a sudden I feel like I know what the hell I'm doing. And I've already begun to feel the effects, present and future, of this blog. And that is a very beautiful thing =)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Building the foundation

Growing up, my house was messy. All the time. My family has lived in the same house for the past 85 years. There are 4 generations worth of old furniture, books, pictures, tools, linens, china, clothes, papers and documents, and just a huge assortment of random little items that are only meant to sit on a shelf and look cute. There were so many physical items cluttering up every corner of every room, that it was impossible for everything to stay organized for more than a few days, if that. In the last 6 years, we've gotten rid of decades worth of clutter and useless junk, but there is still more. My father never wanted anyone to come into the house, and so as I grew up, it made me uncomfortable to have company. That, combined with a plethora of other issues, made me lack a real sense of foundation.

Over the last few weeks, I've been really feeling the toll that an entire lifetime of clutter takes. The farther I go on this journey, the more I see that I've always felt the effects. But having never known anything different, it's only now that I see how detrimental it's been. I've always had a lack of motivation that, combined with social anxiety, made it almost impossible for me to accomplish anything, or to feel really comfortable anywhere outside my own home. And because of the clutter and negative energy settled into every corner, my own home wasn't even all that comfortable.

The first several weeks of this journey were about trying to determine the cause of this lack of motivation. Because I had no foundation, no real sense of security, it blocked the energy that deals with family, safety, survival, passion, motivation. It made it difficult for me to even get dressed in the morning, let alone accomplish anything real. And so I've had to begin this journey from the absolute beginning. So far, it's been all about building the foundation.

Being unemployed has left me struggling to determine what I want to do and where I want to go. Even when I have a vague idea, I'm left not knowing where to even begin. It seems like every time I have the thought, "What's stopping me?" or "Where do I start?" the clutter is always the first thing to come up in my mind. Looking around and feeling how desperately this house needs to be cleaned, I finally have a true sense of solid intuition, and a solid place to start. Looking down this path, I have the sense of openness, the sense that there is more just ahead, beyond where I can see at the moment. That's the sense that tells me that I've finally taken the step that leads where I'm headed.

Ironically, or perhaps not so ironically, it was only when I stopped trying to figure things out that I figured things out. I read somewhere (I can't remember where, now) that when you're thinking about something for a long time, and all your thoughts lead you in circles and you find that you've gone as far as you can go, the best thing to do is just to stop. Just stop thinking about it. It's only then that you leave your mind open to the small voice behind the thoughts that's telling you all you need to know. That's intuition. And there's a fine line between intuition and thought. Learn to separate the two.

When I stopped focusing on how I'd make money, and how I'd accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish, I started focusing on what needed to happen right now. With that came the realization that after doing what needs doing now, the next step would naturally fall into place, because the first step would already have been carried out. And even though I may not know where that next step will lead, I know that it can only happen when it's ready to, and it won't be ready to until the first step is taken.

There is a great website called ZenHabits that was passed along to me by someone. The first article I read was called "The best goal is no goal." Throughout my journey so far, I've noticed that many of the blogs I've read deal with issues I had just been thinking about, sometimes not even a day before. They have all confirmed conclusions that I've already come to myself, which has strengthened my intuition and my trust in myself. This one was no exception.

I may not know where I'm headed, tomorrow or the next day or a week from now. But I know what needs to happen at this moment, because I've given in to the need that has always been with me. After that, I don't know and I don't care to know. So long as I keep taking the step right in front of me, I know the next one will happen when it's ready to happen.

What's been keeping you from taking the first step?