Saturday, July 30, 2011

I am grateful that I have a home that I love. Social anxiety has made it difficult to leave the house, and had I not had love for this place, I wouldn't have been able to stay sane. I'm grateful that I have a person who allows me to be completely myself, and who truly listens to me when I speak. I'm grateful I have a mother who's letting us live in her house rent free, and who has always allowed me to make my own choices, which she always supported.

I think the reason I was able to keep myself sane when I was growing up, the reason I was able to survive, is because I knew I would survive. I knew that at some point in my life, I would be the true me I saw in my future. I was determined that I wouldn't end up in the black depression my father created for his family, and eventually died in. I always felt that 24 would be a major transformation year for me, and my prediction has turned out to be true. Now, I see big things for myself in the future, but I'm not sure when or in what capacity, exactly. I have a clearer vision of it now, but I still don't know the details. And honestly, I don't feel that I'm supposed to. The only thing I need to do now is take the steps I feel I should take at this time.

Lately I've had trouble taking those steps. Social anxiety has held me back at every turn. But I've kept trying to move forward. It's been a very difficult journey with constant setbacks, struggling uphill pulling a weight I've carried since before my memory. But I always knew that I was struggling toward something.

Stuck in a bit of a rut lately. I can't wait to start school...