Monday, October 31, 2011

falling into place

So things are starting to come together. I called today to find out about my school applications, and found out that the decision has already been made, even though the school hasn't contacted me yet. The school that accepted me isn't the one that has the BSW, but that actually works out because it's the school I'd rather go to despite that fact, and also because since I won't be starting on social work right away, that means that I won't have to be doing internships and whatnot while I have an infant. By the time I start the strenuous schedule for my MSW, she'll be a toddler, and I'll be a competent and experienced mother, which will make it a lot easier on everyone.

I calculated my due date online, and it's June 23rd. That means that once the semester ends in May, I'll have the last month off to rest and get ready to give birth, and then the rest of the summer off to be with my kid.

Today I had the task of scheduling my first OBGYN appointment, which meant figuring out the insurance that I just signed up for a few weeks ago. While I was getting myself into phone call and research mode (no easy feat for the old me), I got a call from the insurance company saying they had some questions. Of course, the first question I got asked was if I'm pregnant, and then the rest of the conversation just took off from there. =)

I made a stress-free call to the number I was given, and now I have a doctor's office where I can walk in at my convenience to confirm the pregnancy and find out what comes next. And I have a school that will be tough to get to but easy on my schedule. The timing could not be more perfect.

Everything seems to be happening exactly when I need it to. I feel so much better about telling my mom now that things are starting to fall into place.

God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. If something happens, it's because the universe knows that I'm ready. God knows what's best for me. That is an incredible feeling, on top of the millions of incredible feelings coursing through me right now. Oh boy, I'm in for a hell of a ride =)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fearless child with the glowing eyes

My sense of time is all screwy. I found out for (almost) sure about my little bundle on Friday, and it already feels like it's been a week since then. I guess because so much has passed through my mind, and between the two of us, that it feels like a week's worth of worrying and rejoicing and planning has already passed. I don't quite "feel" pregnant yet. I don't feel like she's with me yet even though I know she is. Perhaps when she starts moving, later on this week (I can't wait) I'll begin to feel like there's a real little person with me. But now, I just feel expectant. I'm waiting to get big, I'm waiting to feel her move, I'm waiting for the symptoms to hit me for real, I'm waiting to see her little face in my arms. But mostly I just have this sense that I'm suspended in time. I don't like it that the happiness is tinged with a deepening worry. We're cleaning up the house and working on getting my first doctor's appointment scheduled (which involves finding a doctor and figuring out my insurance.) And boyfriend has gotten passed the debilitating worry and told practically everyone he knows, and he sits around smiling and giggling almost as much as I do, haha. =D Money is going to be an issue for a looong time, but together we can make it. =)

My mother still doesn't know, and neither does his. Mom's coming over on Wednesday so we can go to NJ to see Grandma, and we're gonna tell her before we leave, and then we'll be able to tell Grandma in person too. I'm scared as shit to tell my mom, because she's a worrier and a half and she likes to nag. But she's also the most supportive mother anyone could ask for, even if she is completely dysfunctional. Once I talk down the "oh my god what are you gonna do's" and all the over-the-top over-dramatic overreactions, she'll be happy. And she'll remember that I'm a adult, and so is Boyfriend, and we're intelligent ones at that.

I have this incredible sense of ease, even knowing how difficult this is going to be. Everything is changing. My eating habits are suddenly so much more of a concern, my fears are suddenly giving way to solutions, even the ways I sit and sleep and move are suddenly geared only toward her optimum health. I keep worrying that if I lean over too far, I'm going to crush her, lol. She's apparently the size of a lentil right now. In three weeks she'll be the size of a grape. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like then. I'll probably be afraid just to take a step. The words "precious cargo" suddenly mean the world to me.

I wonder if I'll be able to communicate with her spirit, especially as her birth comes closer. I hope so. I wonder who God will decide to bring into my life. I can't wait to meet this little person ^_^

It amazes me that there's a spirit out there who has chosen to come into our lives as our child, who trusts us enough to teach her everything she needs to know about the world and about the universe, who plans to love us enough to follow us wherever we go, and who trusts us to love her enough to follow her to hell if we have to. The spirit who chooses to be born to an awakened person, and one on the verge of awakening, must be coming to learn a great lesson. This is a house full of love, creativity, intelligence, and open-mindedness. She's coming to be a part of the life that my partner and I have created. I hope we can be good enough teachers to fulfill that need.

On the other hand, what lessons will she bring for us to learn? What sort of incredible spirit has blessed me with the chance to love her? Knowing my own limits, perhaps she'll be a strong and outgoing person who's coming to push me out of my fear. I have the feeling my boundaries are going to get blown to bits pretty soon. With two parents who desperately need to learn to push past their fears, I'm willing to bet that our child is going to be fearless =)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

oh baby

I've been stuck in fear. I've gotten to a deeper space of awareness, and the desperation isn't so heavy. And yet there is still this fear. I suppose I had just been living under so much of it, so much heavy weight, that I still haven't quite figured out how to remove it all. Finding my support system has been difficult because that's exactly where my fears lay, in trying to initiate that connection. And yet, I can't get anywhere unless I do. In a word, I've been stuck.

I was thinking of the car situation as a catalyst, as the one thing that would force me to make the changes I had to make. And yet I was still stuck in my fear and inaction. My mother offered to give us the money for the car so we could get it out and be in debt to her rather than the city, so that's what we did. Now we have to pay her back $900. Which is fine by me because she doesn't charge $15 a day for impound fees. But it also takes the pressure off of me to get up and find a job. But even under pressure, I still find myself immobile. I think perhaps it's the house itself that's keeping me stuck in these patterns. I'm surrounded by the reminders of inaction and depression and clutter. They keep me stuck. Or rather, I let them keep me stuck. I'm a creature of habit and it bites me in the ass more often than not.

So the car thing is dealt with. But there's my motivation gone.

Then I discovered that I'm pregnant. Wow. And there it is. There are no more excuses now. I'm afraid to make a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment? Well that's just too damn bad, now isn't it?

Jesus, the universe doesn't fuck around, does it?

On the plus side (the other plus side, cuz that's a pretty big one) this huge space has opened up in me. I'm sort of stuck, but I've reached a place where I am ok with where I am. Emotionally, mentally, I'm there. It's the physical and practical where I get stuck. That's always been my problem. Always a thinker, never a doer. I see myself bringing my child into this beautiful world, into a clean house where she can be safe and healthy, I see myself connecting with people and enjoying my life and no longer feeling trapped. But I look around me, and I just see clutter. I see fear and inaction. I can't bring her into this. I just can't. I won't.

I know I've said this so many times before, but this is it. There's no more room to let fear control me anymore. There are so many more important things than trying to preserve what I think is my safety. In trying to "preserve" myself, I deny my kid what she desperately needs, a mother who is willing and able to stand up for her and speak the words that need to be spoken. And what better motivator than this to get me there?

Boyfriend is of course all nervous. I've been looking for jobs, but who will hire me now? Luckily it's early enough that I can get a job and not have to say anything just yet, but I've never liked keeping secrets. My bluntness has cost me jobs before. Perhaps, in this case, tightening my tongue a little couldn't hurt.

Anyway, he's scared, but happy. He lets his fear get the best of him in a big way. I've tried to break him out of that, but ultimately it has to come from him. I think it helps that I can sense how he's feeling and I always let him know it. It hurts me that he feels trapped and scared and resentful of me, but really he has every reason to feel that way. He works so hard, just to come home and find I've done nothing with my day. That only increases my own anger at myself, which makes it even harder to make those changes. And there are no words I can offer him anymore. They've all been said and they no longer mean anything. I suppose the reason the words feel so empty now is because they sort of are. The time for words and promises is over. It's time to make good on them.

Ironically enough, I think a large part of my problem is the simple fact that I keep my laptop in the living room right in front of the TV. TV and computer is a baaad combo for me. Perhaps a change of scenery is in order.

There is an immense amount of change ahead of me, ahead of us. This is the change. This is the game changer.

I am so happy and so excited and so scared. But mostly, I'm just kind of in shock.

Holy jesus christ I'm pregnant. O_O



Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The catalyst

Oh boy so the last few weeks have been interesting.

So you already know my car got towed because of tickets, and we have to pay upwards of $700 to rescue it, and that price goes up every day that it's in the pound. There's been so much running through my mind and my body the last few days, I'm not going to even try to record it all.

Basically I had a complete meltdown the other day and now I feel amazing, despite the fact that I still don't have my car. I had been having stomach pains for nearly two weeks, and the car thing was the breaking point. I broke down and everything just came pouring out. I felt the moment when I shifted from desperation to determination. It's amazing the deep place of acceptance that can open up when a mountain of stress becomes a little too much to handle. That is, if you let it open up. And my stomach hasn't hurt since then.

It's difficult in this situation living with someone whose main source of stress is and always has been money. My boyfriend has had it drilled into his head his whole life that money is what matters, and his entire family lives by the notion that happiness can be sacrificed for wealth, which is why they're all so unhappy. And not one of them has any wealth, of any kind. He's been resisting this mindset for literally his whole life, but he hasn't been able to escape the mountains of stress and worry his mother dumped on him.
Living in this society, obviously I understand the value of money. But as a person, I don't place any value on it. That's not something I decided. Money has always seemed strange and foreign and nonsensical to me, even when I was a child. So it's somewhat jarring to be scrambling around trying desperately to find something I don't even believe in. It makes it hard to stay motivated, because when it comes right down to it, I have no desire for it. Money has no personal appeal to me, and it's disheartening not being able to connect with people because I don't have the money for transportation or anything else. Shouldn't meeting and talking with people be free? Why is it so hard for me to just go out and talk with someone? Where do I find these people? =\

Anyway, I got off track. It's been difficult for boyfriend and I to stay on the same page, because our mindsets about the situation are so different. I've given up asking him to trust me, because I'm not sure myself what the outcome of this will be, and my requests for trust sound ungrounded even to me. But there's nothing else I can do but trust. I have no idea if I will get my car back or not, but it matters that I tried. Just as in yoga, the quality of the effort is far more important than the result. I just hope I can do something to help him ease his stress before it overwhelms him, which has been known to happen. So yes, I'm worried I'll never see my car again. But I keep coming back to that deep place, and the words "just let it be" have been carving a place in my mind. When I am ok with the quality of the effort I put forth, and with the person I find in myself, I can be ok with the results of that person's effort, because I know that I did something, and whatever comes of it is the result of something that felt right to me at the time.

Right now I'm trying to get my Etsy shop up and running, for the third time. I've got a plan, I'm working on clearing the space in my house, and I can feel the support of my whole being behind me. I was praying to God to help me, praying that this will finally work, and praying that I will start to see some small funds trickling in. And today, just when I needed it most, I checked my email and saw that I made a sale yesterday out of NOWHERE. It's been a year and a half since someone found my shop on their own and bought something. I haven't listed anything in months, and somehow, this woman found me. What are the chances, huh? Well, I guess the chances were pretty good because it happened ;)
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that the universe had my back, I can let go of it now.

I would like to offer my personal thanks to God, who is still showing me the way.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

All things for a reason

I've been placing fear on myself. I've felt for a long time that something had to give soon, because with only boyfriend working and me continuing to sit here day after day, frustrations are starting to run rampant. And then the car got towed because we couldn't pay our tickets.

Getting a job looks like it's going to have to happen. There is maybe 1% of me that wants a job. There are no jobs in my area, and I'm not qualified for anything more than retail, and retail and I don't really get along. The car getting towed was sort of the last straw. A couple of total meltdowns later, I feel like I'm ready to start making some moves. I've been trying to make those moves for months now, and my fear has only held me back. Looks like now I don't have a choice.

We have to pay off more than $700 (plus more and more each day for the impound fees) and I have a dollar in my pocket. Oh God, get us through this.