Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The catalyst

Oh boy so the last few weeks have been interesting.

So you already know my car got towed because of tickets, and we have to pay upwards of $700 to rescue it, and that price goes up every day that it's in the pound. There's been so much running through my mind and my body the last few days, I'm not going to even try to record it all.

Basically I had a complete meltdown the other day and now I feel amazing, despite the fact that I still don't have my car. I had been having stomach pains for nearly two weeks, and the car thing was the breaking point. I broke down and everything just came pouring out. I felt the moment when I shifted from desperation to determination. It's amazing the deep place of acceptance that can open up when a mountain of stress becomes a little too much to handle. That is, if you let it open up. And my stomach hasn't hurt since then.

It's difficult in this situation living with someone whose main source of stress is and always has been money. My boyfriend has had it drilled into his head his whole life that money is what matters, and his entire family lives by the notion that happiness can be sacrificed for wealth, which is why they're all so unhappy. And not one of them has any wealth, of any kind. He's been resisting this mindset for literally his whole life, but he hasn't been able to escape the mountains of stress and worry his mother dumped on him.
Living in this society, obviously I understand the value of money. But as a person, I don't place any value on it. That's not something I decided. Money has always seemed strange and foreign and nonsensical to me, even when I was a child. So it's somewhat jarring to be scrambling around trying desperately to find something I don't even believe in. It makes it hard to stay motivated, because when it comes right down to it, I have no desire for it. Money has no personal appeal to me, and it's disheartening not being able to connect with people because I don't have the money for transportation or anything else. Shouldn't meeting and talking with people be free? Why is it so hard for me to just go out and talk with someone? Where do I find these people? =\

Anyway, I got off track. It's been difficult for boyfriend and I to stay on the same page, because our mindsets about the situation are so different. I've given up asking him to trust me, because I'm not sure myself what the outcome of this will be, and my requests for trust sound ungrounded even to me. But there's nothing else I can do but trust. I have no idea if I will get my car back or not, but it matters that I tried. Just as in yoga, the quality of the effort is far more important than the result. I just hope I can do something to help him ease his stress before it overwhelms him, which has been known to happen. So yes, I'm worried I'll never see my car again. But I keep coming back to that deep place, and the words "just let it be" have been carving a place in my mind. When I am ok with the quality of the effort I put forth, and with the person I find in myself, I can be ok with the results of that person's effort, because I know that I did something, and whatever comes of it is the result of something that felt right to me at the time.

Right now I'm trying to get my Etsy shop up and running, for the third time. I've got a plan, I'm working on clearing the space in my house, and I can feel the support of my whole being behind me. I was praying to God to help me, praying that this will finally work, and praying that I will start to see some small funds trickling in. And today, just when I needed it most, I checked my email and saw that I made a sale yesterday out of NOWHERE. It's been a year and a half since someone found my shop on their own and bought something. I haven't listed anything in months, and somehow, this woman found me. What are the chances, huh? Well, I guess the chances were pretty good because it happened ;)
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that the universe had my back, I can let go of it now.

I would like to offer my personal thanks to God, who is still showing me the way.