Sunday, September 25, 2011


I've said many times that this life has been all about breaking boundaries. I can't help but feel that this will continue to be the case in the future. I feel like I'm expanding outwards, like after I've dealt with the boundaries I've placed on myself, I can keep moving farther out, breaking the boundaries I see outside of my self as well.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I notice that when I've been slacking on the things I'd like to be doing, I invariably begin doing them eventually, because I haven't given up. This made me realize that even though the changes are coming slower, they're coming from a much deeper place. When I get up (or sit down) to do something, it comes from a desire to do it that goes beyond a mental conviction that I should. It comes from a deep knowing that doing it will fulfill that need I have. I can feel the directions I'm pulled in now, and it feels good and right to follow those paths. It feels natural. I'm learning how to observe in order to let myself be. Or, let myself be in order to observe. Why confuse things with words.

The upswing always feels nice.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hello, Autumn

I really should write things down before I forget them, especially when I know I'm not going to get to the computer till the next day. >-< Doh!

Anyway, the gist of it was, God is the nature of all things. I realized that in order to allow my intuition to flourish, I must allow every aspect of my own being to exist as it naturally would without outside interference. When you take a handful of pebbles and throw them down onto the ground, they land as they naturally would, bouncing off of each other and propelling each other in all directions, and each pebble will continue in the direction it is bound for. The result is a chaotic arrangement of pebbles that looks, well, natural. But when you go in and start placing them in patterns in order to make them look natural, you get something that looks contrived, and over-analyzed. You only get what you're going for when you allow gravity and chance to do the work for you.

Financially, I am worse off than I was a week ago. But everything else is golden.

Writing has a compulsion for me that I can't ignore, and I know it will play heavily in my life. I've gone a long time without writing anything, or at least anything "creative". (All writing is creative for me, but you know what I mean.) But I've never lost the drive for it. Even when I had no idea why I wanted to write, and wasn't even sure that I wanted to, I still wanted to. I'm making more of an effort to read more, and I'm actively trying to write down whatever comes to my mind to write. Right now I'm oiling up the rusty spots.

Boyfriend and I were sitting and talking about oatmeal yesterday, because we were eating it, and he said he wanted me to make more of the oatmeal cranberry walnut cookies I made a few months ago. Then, because Boyfriend has the eternal entrepreneurial spirit, he said, "We could sell-WE COULD SELL COOKIES!"
Now, this was a life-changing event for several reasons. 1) He's wanted to start some sort of food service business for a long time. Money has always been the issue, but cookies we can do in our own kitchen. 2) I came to the conclusion that even when I love my job, I hate having a job. It just doesn't feel right for me. I'd much rather work from home. And all we really need to get this up and running are to organize the kitchen, get some baking supplies, and play with a few recipes. He's a natural at marketing and come on, who doesn't want cookies? Homemade chocolate chip, 3 for a dollar in a cellophane bag. Yes please.

We're calling it HoneyButton Bakeshop. All our recipes will be made with honey instead of sugar, and our logo will be a button with a bee flying around it. We've already come up with a few signature recipes =D The first thing to do now is just clean and organize the kitchen. I've been talking about getting that done for a while now. Time to stop talking, eh?

I've been feeling the shift lately from inaction to action, from confusion to clarity. Today I feel like no dark space is hidden from me any longer. I've learned how to focus without stifling. As I was thinking about this and feeling pretty good, I got this tweet on my phone, from @meditationtip: "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. This is the day your life really begins."

Anyway, I'm feeling a walk in the forest so I'm going to go get ready for that. Can't wait to go enjoy that weather =)

Friday, September 16, 2011

Impermanence is the only constant.

My temp job is now over. I was hoping that I would be able to stay permanently, but the manager wants people who read classics, and I guess my preferences weren't to his liking. I guess sci fi wasn't good enough for him =P

I am now back to needing a job. But, now I have a clearer head, and a bookstore job to use as a reference. My boyfriend is persuading me to take a week off before I start looking again, to work on that dusty old manuscript, keep working out (20lbs down so far), and generally just relax. I suppose I need it, but I still feel like I'm sort of in limbo. I guess I'm just still getting used to the weightlessness of no-worry and neutrality. It's going to be a bit of a struggle to keep myself motivated because I found out that yesterday was my last day mere hours before the end of my shift, which was not so easy to deal with. I suppose I feel very angry about that, and the term "asshole" has crossed my mind several times about several different people. All things for a purpose, I suppose.

I really just want to move onto a hippie commune and, ya know, enjoy myself.

So now I am at the threshold of another vacation, however long it should last.

movement of many kinds
thoughts and ideas

This is my time.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The calm after the storm

Been gone a while. We were out of cable because of the storm, and in that time I just got out of the habit of spending my whole day on the computer. I've gone days without checking my email. It's been nice and I'm not in a hurry to get back to it. That hurricane, in so many ways, was exactly what I needed.

A huge part of my social anxiety was the fear of stepping out onto my own doorstep. I live right next door to a family member who I don't really get along with, (the same can be said for pretty much any member of my family) and it's made it awkward to go outside and risk seeing her. Stupid, I know. But it's actually gotten easier for me since I began healing myself. In the case of my other neighbors, it's just general anxiety. I always had the sense that they know something's "wrong" with me, and that they all talk and whatnot. But then I realized, I used to spend all my time at home staring out the window, and I still had no idea what my neighbors did on a daily basis. How should they know or care about what I do?

Then the hurricane hit. A tree came down on my block early Sunday morning and brought a lot of power lines down with it. That day, when the sun came up and the wind was still blowing, everyone came outside. There was this huge tree, completely intact, lying across the middle of the street and blocking it off entirely. Everyone just stood around marveling. People who live just doors away, who I haven't spoken to in years, were standing in front of my house, and we talked. Not about much, but we talked. As the day wore on, everyone spent it just going in and out of their houses, milling around, talking to each other about the tree and whatever else, and I realized how natural it was for them to do so. I realized they had sort of an open connection with the outsides of their houses, and it was nothing for them to get dressed and do something outside, even if it's just sitting on their own steps. I decided that I needed to hold on to that connection. I couldn't let fear keep me in my house.

With that also came the black out. It was during the day, and we got our power back the same day because there's a woman across the street who has a respirator. But just those few hours without power, and the subsequent few days without cable, forced me to entertain myself by means other than the TV and the computer. It's been rather enjoyable. I've actually lived in the last few days.

I have a job now that I truly enjoy. It's only temporary, but hopefully I can change that.

Anyway, I have other things to do.

How has a disaster changed your life?