Saturday, July 30, 2011

I am grateful that I have a home that I love. Social anxiety has made it difficult to leave the house, and had I not had love for this place, I wouldn't have been able to stay sane. I'm grateful that I have a person who allows me to be completely myself, and who truly listens to me when I speak. I'm grateful I have a mother who's letting us live in her house rent free, and who has always allowed me to make my own choices, which she always supported.

I think the reason I was able to keep myself sane when I was growing up, the reason I was able to survive, is because I knew I would survive. I knew that at some point in my life, I would be the true me I saw in my future. I was determined that I wouldn't end up in the black depression my father created for his family, and eventually died in. I always felt that 24 would be a major transformation year for me, and my prediction has turned out to be true. Now, I see big things for myself in the future, but I'm not sure when or in what capacity, exactly. I have a clearer vision of it now, but I still don't know the details. And honestly, I don't feel that I'm supposed to. The only thing I need to do now is take the steps I feel I should take at this time.

Lately I've had trouble taking those steps. Social anxiety has held me back at every turn. But I've kept trying to move forward. It's been a very difficult journey with constant setbacks, struggling uphill pulling a weight I've carried since before my memory. But I always knew that I was struggling toward something.

Stuck in a bit of a rut lately. I can't wait to start school...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I am not seven chakras, I am one bright white column of light. It fills every corner.

I am slowly beginning to overcome my fear of phones calls. I called the admissions office of my school today to get more info. I met with my mom's tax prep guy to help fill out the tax info on my FAFSA, hung out with an old friend and went to an awesome tea shop. My stomach hurts from all the tea though. =)

I think sometimes when people are advised to "accept themselves for who they are" they immediately think "But who am I?" If that's the case, then you're thinking too much. When you accept yourself, that's when you begin to know yourself. Because you aren't judging what you find and putting any filters over it, you see those things clearly.

So apparently there's nothing more I need to do for my school. I can still get in despite the late application, and as far as I understand, they take care of the transcripts and whatnot. Now I just have to wait for them to contact me. I only found one feasible school that has the program I'm looking for, so it's kind of a one-shot deal. I could find another school if I decided to branch out and possibly move/dorm someplace, and if that were the case, I would wait until the Spring semester to work and build up some savings. So either way it works out. And that's the first time I realized that.

I am grateful that hot dogs are cheap, easy and delicious. And it takes me a while to get tired of them.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Breaking the cycles

I've noticed that when I actively put energy toward something, some aspect of my life or part of my body that needs to be healed, eventually I find a way to heal it, without much thought. It just seems to happen. I've been losing weight practically every day doing yoga, but I was having trouble getting a good arm workout or stretching my calves and hamstrings (I've always had trouble with my legs/lower back). I sent energy through my legs and arms, and I finally figured out the best way to work both, with one move. I was having trouble figuring out the direction I was headed in, and what I wanted to be doing with my life when I finally "make it," and that just happened for me too, without much thought. It came to me and just felt right. Everything just seemed to fit.

Now, it's all dependent on my ability to move past my fear and do the work I need to do. I know that with the right training, social work will be something I thrive in. But right now, I'm still struggling with social anxiety, and it's hard for me just to get dressed every day. Now that I'm trying to get myself into school, I've got all these phone calls I need to make, all this information I need to find on my own. It's a very abstract process for me right now, because I'm not sure exactly what needs to happen when, and I tend to get frightened when what's expected of me is unclear or I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I've already completed the online application for the school I want to attend, and I suppose the best thing for me to do now would be to call the admissions office and find out what the next step is. That's what they're there for, right? But I feel like before I call, I need to already have all the info I need. Which is ridiculous because, if I already had all the info, I wouldn't need to call. I guess I just need to suck it up and call. This process alone will test my strength. And honestly, it's the perfect thing to push me beyond those boundaries I've had around myself. I just need to let myself step outside the walls. Literally.

I know what you're thinking; what does all this have to do with my spiritual journey? Well, everything. Turns out, the spiritual path takes on a whole new color when wrapped in the evil little bubble of social anxiety. Finding the support of a spiritual community becomes that much more of a struggle, and so holding myself in that spiritual space becomes harder and harder. But I know that I wouldn't be in this situation if there wasn't something for me to gain from it. Every single day has been difficult for me. But imagine how strong I will be when I finally push past my fear? It's happening slowly, but it's happening. Perhaps I'll end up specializing in helping people cope with social anxiety, or helping children and their families prevent it. I'm not too sure what my exact destination is, but I guess that's the whole point. The only thing I can see clearly is what's happening right now, and that's the only thing I should be focusing on. I suppose I don't have much of a choice right now but to pick up the phone and call.

The boyfriend and I are going today to obtain some health insurance. I'm meeting him at his job and we're going from there. I am grateful for the days when leaving the house is easy.

That means, though, that I don't have too much time to make that call...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Patience gets tested now.

As soon as I made the decision to pursue child psychology, my mother started gathering information and speaking to people for me. Turns out, she knows someone who works in the exact field I'd like to enter. That person's advice was for me to get my bachelor's and master's in social work, and my doctorate in child psychology. In searching for a school that has a bachelor's degree in social work, I've realized that this is exactly the profession I've been searching for, without having a name or a form for it. And my mother and her boyfriend and their friend are almost more eager to get me into school than I am. It all fits. All the things that I picture for myself in the future, all the things I want for myself and strive for and feel I'm capable of, they're all possible in social work. Of course, I'm trying to stay flexible. Who knows where I may end up, but I know the path I'm walking. There is no doubt in my mind, this is what I was put on this Earth to do.

I've found the school that has what I'm looking for. The goal is to be in the classroom by September. It's already the end of July. Come oooon, late acceptance.

*fingers crossed*

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The future reveals itself in time

So I haven't had steady internet access for the past few days, and I won't for a while. I'm in a Starbucks right now so I'll make this quick.

I went to a free meditation class the other day and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Lately I've had this feeling that I'm just sort of drifting, like I'm not sure where I'm going. But I haven't been worrying about it. My anxiety is decreasing and it's been easier for me to speak up to people. I had an actual conversation with someone. That was a great feeling.

I had been babysitting a 5 year old for a while, and because of a retarded situation, her mother decided not to bring her over anymore. The mother loses a trusted babysitter, the kid loses a healthy environment, I lose the child and the money. So I've been trying to figure out how to combat the mother's massive ego, while making it possible for everyone to be civil and for the child to get the one-on-one that she needs, and doesn't get at home. It's a delicate situation and one that before, I wouldn't have been able to handle. But I talked it over with my mother. Rather than combating the massive ego, I need to appeal to it, while making it clear that I'm working for everyone's benefit. The girl's mother makes it difficult for anyone else to be heard, and as a result my already weak voice tends to shut down around her. I think this situation was orchestrated so that I could expand my voice, while giving a beautiful little girl the attention she needs and certainly deserves. It's going to be difficult treading around this one, but God doesn't give me any situation I can't handle =)

Kids have been on my mind lately. I see myself, in the ideal future, running a spiritual center where people can connect with others who share interests and values, without the cost and rigid structure of a class or seminar. Just sort of a community of people centered around a common set of values, while having the freedom to bring their own values to the party. In this vision I always see lots of kids running around, and it's been a subconscious requirement for me that my life's work involves, if not centers around, kids. The situation with the child has led me to the realization that I would flourish in child psychology. I'm hesitant to settle myself into that field yet, though, because my interests have always been varied, and I've got the brains to go in whatever direction I choose. Because I have so many channels open to me, it's been tough for me to settle on one. But this seems right. With a recognized degree, I can project my voice further and reach more people. And once I build a reputation as a child psychologist, I can develop the spiritual aspect of my practice. I can focus on helping people raise spiritual families, whether the child needs a psychologist or not. The individual will develop himself, but the family will propagate.

My only concern is the 10+ years I'm going to have to spend in school to do this. Simply put, I hate school. I certainly have the brain for it, there's no question of that. But the "accepted" school environment is not ideal for me. I don't learn well by sitting in a classroom listening to other people talk. I learn by observing things for myself, teaching myself, taking my own notes. But knowing that I have something to work toward will ease the journey. I don't know what or when, but I know there's something ahead, and I'm going to be a part of it.

But there are so many questions that are floating around in my brain lately. Am I sure it would be best for all involved to interfere in the child's life? What if I get 6 years into my education and realize child psychology isn't for me? Well, I tend to give up on things pretty quick when I'm not really invested in them. And I've done amazing things when I was invested.

Which means I need to start searching for schools now. The sooner I can start, the better. Whew, looks like we're going on a journey...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This is the second time I've tried to write a post saying what I've been wanting to say, and it's the second time I've erased everything I'd already written because I couldn't figure out the words. But the difference is, this time I'm starting over and just saying it.

We fear because we place conditions on love. The literal energy of life is love. It's what keeps us alive. We are skin and bone and brain and nerves, but what powers us? What gives self-motivation to a lump of clay? That's all we are, a pile (albeit a complex pile) of physical matter. Once the life force leaves, the clay falls back to the earth.

If, in life, we close ourselves off to this love, to this light, we experience only darkness and fear. One cannot live a life of brightness and love if he continuously shuts himself off to the precise energy that provides these things. When we do, we experience fear. Because life without love is fear. Fear is the direct opposite of love.

We are born clean, ignorant, pure, with no preconceived notions of what life "should" or "has to" be. We grow up and place restrictions on ourselves, because of how we're raised or how we perceive our bodies or our personalities. Because we restrict the amount of love, real love and not self-adoration or excessive pride, that we give ourselves, we develop a deep rooted core of fear, also called the ego. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to have your hair done right, you have to be the right weight, have the right job, listen to the right music. But is this really you? What do you like? What do you truly feel is best for you?

Accept yourself as you are, completely as you are, and you allow yourself to remove the restrictions that cause you to close yourself to your own love. Because you know that there is no "right" or "good" way to be, and that the healthiest thing is simply to be, you stop judging yourself, and start accepting yourself, thus loving yourself.

Bask in your own presence. Be aware, without judgment, of everything around you and within you.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Blessings from the Buddha

The other night, I was falling asleep, and I had a vision of a thousand Buddhas, resting on rainbows above me in a blue sky. Within moments the one Buddha was directly above me, and I felt and saw a shower of light come down onto me. I felt the light fill me, and I heard the words, "You are the Healer."

I didn't feel any different the next day, nor do I now. But there's a sense of...I don't really know, exactly. It feels like now, the only way to go is forward. I've had this sense that, even though I've been itching to get out into the world and connect with people, it wasn't the right time yet. Now, I feel it's time. I feel that I'm ready.

I don't have all the skills I need to accomplish my goals, not by a long shot. But I'm not going to acquire them until I go out and use my brain and talents, and develop those skills. I'm no longer scared, although I still don't know where to begin. But I can't let the uncertainty stop me. I've always let uncertainty stop me, and now that I think about it, it's that more than the fear that's really held me back my whole life. Fear of the unknown, I suppose. But how do I know what there is to fear or not fear, unless I go out and see for myself? My entire life I've been working based on a fear of something I've never even experienced. How helpful is that? The only fear I have left is that I will continue to sit here and waste everything that God has given me. It's time to move on.

That doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing. I still don't. And I won't for a while. But I just have to trust myself. I have to stop doubting myself, stop putting so much pressure on myself, stop telling myself that I won't be liked. Because I know that, number one, I will be, and number two, it really doesn't matter. Those who will hear me will find me, or I'll find them. But we won't find each other if I'm still sitting in my house melting.

All of a sudden the fear is just a rush of adrenaline. And all of a sudden I'm ready for this.


Sunday, July 10, 2011


At the center of every want, every pain, every fear, is nothing more than the desire to feel love. Love for yourself, and both from and for others. It is the most profound desire, and the only one which should be heeded.

Letting go of letting go

It's been a tough couple of days for everyone. I released as much as I had built up, and it felt good. It still feels good. I feel open. I feel like now, I can stop worrying, because I have nothing left to search for. Now I can work on letting things come to me, letting the issues come up when they need to, and the energy flow as it needs to. I can also let myself move as I need to.
Wow. That's incredible.

I saw my habit of trying to remember the things that I was letting go of. When the last bit of tension released, I would start to feel my heart expand, and the problems would fade away, and I would think "Wait! I need to remember what that was so I can remember not to worry about it!" Ha! It's so funny now that I write it out and look at it.
But I realized, I was trying to hold on to letting go. I was trying to remember not only the problems, but the feeling itself. I was trying to remember it so I could repeat it tomorrow. But this time, when the issues faded, they were replaced with a beautiful silence. And I realized that all the problems and issues were just dark energy disguised as human experiences. It really doesn't matter what those experiences were, it just matters that I was aware of the energy that held them in, and I was able to let it go.

Good. Now I can sleep.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Recognizing limitlessness

I was thinking, if I really was trapped inside my house, and I knew that I had no option but to stay confined within my own walls for the rest of my life, would I suffer? Probably not, I thought. If I really believed that I was completely unable to leave my home, that I was truly trapped, I would find whatever happiness I could in my situation. I would accept that life, my life at least, was only what I knew it to be, and I would adjust. I would immerse myself in the small pleasures I had available to me, and I would make an attempt to be happy.

But this made me think; because I know that I am not trapped, I crave something different, something outside my known world. The only thing that stops me from seeking the world outside my own is fear. I limit myself because "I can't" or "I shouldn't" or, tragically, "I won't." But really, why not? What is stopping me from opening up that yarn shop, or writing that book, or getting that vendor's license and selling handmade jewelry on the streets of the city? I know full well that I am completely capable. I am intelligent and well spoken and resourceful. So what's the issue?

In a word, fear. Fear is that irrational little voice that says no. I know that I am able, but fear makes me doubt. Without fear, I wouldn't question my ability to do something. I would just get on with it. And if I failed, I would learn from my failure and try again. Or move on to something else. The point is, I wouldn't give up. But because I fear, I keep myself trapped, even though I know that I'm not. So how do I move past the fear?

I suppose the only way is to move with it. I know that it'll still be there, but it doesn't immobilize me. Even if I walk out the door and don't have a clue where I'm going, I should at least walk out the door. Rather than over-thinking every move and every turn I take, I should just go where my body and my heart take me. That's intuition. Sure, I may get lost the first time, or even the first few times, but who doesn't? I can't expect myself to get it right the first time, every time. I'm not perfect. The point is, I keep walking.

But ah, now that I know the limitlessness of my options, suddenly the fear isn't quite so thick. Suddenly there's light shining down the paths that I had once kept closed to myself. Since I know that I am able to travel those paths, the fear seems less decisive. It has less of a voice. And because it fades, more light shines through, and more fear fades.

And what about you? You're human, just as I am. I think deep down, you also know that you are not trapped, which is why you search for something different, or something more. All living creatures know, in there deepest gut, that they are limitless. If we weren't, there would be no art, there would be no imagination, there would be no space travel, there would be no love. Imagine not being trapped. Imagine being able to do anything you want to do, without fear. Imagine that you are capable of limitless love, both for yourself and those around you. What does it feel like?

What fears do you have holding you back? Are they justified?

Catalyst for change

So, as I've stated before many times, I'm in the middle of a massive clean up of my house. This has been a long time coming, and even though I've thrown out loads of stuff in the last few weeks, there's still more to go. We're nearing the home stretch, but this is where it gets tricky. This is where the stuff we've neglected dealing with is pretty much all that's left, and it's time to face it.

The recent situation opened up a lot of issues for me. There's a lot of negativity surrounding the clutter in this house, and the relationships between the people who live in it. In trying to get my mother to cooperate in the clean-up, I've only met with resistance from her. She wants to keep EVERYTHING. It's only when she comes across something of mine that she says, "Oh here, we can throw this out." It's infuriating. I didn't realize how frustrating it really was until I exploded (and it was already pretty frustrating). It took me two days of skirting around the issue, but I see now that the issue is not so much the clutter, but our relationship. I've learned how to clean the house. Now I need to learn how to heal the way we relate to each other. And to do that, I've got to get her to cooperate.

In learning how to ask myself to change, I've begun to learn how to ask other people to change. Of course, I'm not going to demand that my family all change everything about themselves. But all this clinging to clutter and old energy isn't getting any of us anywhere. If I had to put up with that from anyone but my mother, it wouldn't be worth the effort, not by a long shot. But in order to straighten out my own life, I need her to be able to help.

I've always had problems opening up to her, and to almost anyone, really. I get emotionally squeamish. In any altercation with her, my voice and my mind shut down and my anger flares up. Not a good combination. The other day, I actually stood and watched as my hands filled with red light and yellow sparks. I saw it very clearly in my mind, and I definitely felt it. It was like I could actually sense the molecules of my hands and of the light rapidly slamming into each other, like every cell was vibrating. Take the anger out of the equation, and the feeling was actually kind of cool. Had I had the presence of mind to do so, I would have been able to gather the energy in my hands and play with it. Now I kind of wish I had =\

Regardless, I take the lessons available to me, and I follow to conduits that have been opened. I know I've always had trouble speaking to my mother. But, I've always been able to express myself beautifully through writing. This is the perfect time to join the two. In writing to her instead of trying to get involved in a heated discussion, I take my strengths and say what needs to be said, and release that anger in a way that I can monitor. There are things I need her to do so that we can finally begin to function, and there are things I need to do for myself. I'm now coming into the strength I need to do those things, and to ask for that change, and to push my voice past the obstacles that have contained it for so long.

This is a catalyst for a change that's needed to happen for a long time. I'm learning that sometimes, with the bigger issues, the pathway to change can open abruptly and painfully. There is nothing wrong with this. It's how that pain is handled that determines how the issue is resolved. It gives me comfort to know that God doesn't give me any situation that I am not ready to handle. I know I can do this.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Turning forward

So I've learned a lesson I desperately needed to learn. I'm way too hard on myself. I over-think things all the time. I constantly second guess myself. I need to stop. I already realized the benefit of stopping all the worrying over where I'm going to end up, now I'm working on not worrying about how to get started. My mind has attempted to control everything I do, or don't do, but now I'm giving my intuition a real shot.

I feel as though I had been stuck in the mud for so long, that to give myself that one final push, I had to take a step back and gather up the energy. I needed a boost of good motivation, and anger was the jumpstart to that. I certainly misdirected it at first, but I see that now. Now I can move past it. Now I can remember the sensation of opening up to that energy, and directing it in a positive direction.

This is where I really have to trust myself, not only for me, but for those around me. That infamous "next step" is around the corner, I know it in my gut. I just need my boyfriend to be as patient with me as I've had to learn to be with myself =(

I'm not "happy" exactly, but I've learned the lesson I needed to learn from this situation (I'll spare you the finer details), and I've certainly not given up. This has been a difficult road already, but somehow I've managed to stay strong. Turns out God does turn up when you need it =)

Looking backwards

For my entire life, social anxiety disorder has made it impossible for me to function. The thought of leaving my house to find my own path was a terrifying thought. Now, after months of soul searching and rearranging, I am ready for the challenge. The only problem is, where do I begin?

Without a social network, I'd literally be going out into the world alone. And without money, there is very little I can do, alone or not. The only jobs I qualify for are retail, and the part of my soul that's left after my 3 years in retail does NOT want to go that route again. My mother left the house under my care and yet still wants to dictate how it functions, and for some reason lately I just feel like I don't want to have anything to do with ANYBODY. It feels like other people's negativity is rubbing off on me when I'm around them. I know I have the potential to be empathic, but because I've never had a solid social network, I never had the chance to really test this out. I spent so much time by myself, only wondering about people but never getting to know them, that I never had the chance to determine if my emotions were coming from myself or someone else. I never learned to connect, or to put up barriers when I needed them. And because I only learned how to use my emotions when I was alone, I never learned how to function when I was around people.
I leave my house and I have no clue where to go and no clue how to figure out where to go, and no money to get there. I have no one I can call, no resources I can use. I have three cats to feed and I can barely feed myself.
I'd give up right now if I wasn't almost positive that I have a reason for being on Earth. What my purpose is, I've given up trying to determine. But I do know that it will involve writing in a big way. Which is why I'm writing this to you now.
God, help me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

building blocks

I feel like I'm done finding things now. First, I was searching. Then, I found the treasure trove and started digging through it. Now, I have everything laid out before me. I've thrown out a lot of the trash, and I can use what's left to start building.

I did more cleaning today. Now, the front room is nice and sunny and there's a place to sit and take your shoes off =)

We still have a lot more work to do before the whole house is cleaned up and organized. I started downstairs and the first three rooms, while not spotless, are now warm and inviting, instead of cluttered and uncomfortable. Now that I feel secure in my own living room, I can move on to the upstairs, and eventually the attic. The more I clean the more I see how I will maintain the order in the future. I have a solid standard and I can return to it when I need to, even while letting things get a little messy while I'm busy enjoying the space, rather than obsessing over it or ignoring it. But the maintenance is always easier than the complete overhaul.

Was I talking about the house? Or myself? I can't remember now...

The value of truth

"Truth is not cheap; truth is the most valuable thing in the world." ~ @meditationtip on twitter

The truth of the statement itself struck me. I could be given money, I could be given a clean home, I could be given food. But I have truth. And so I am able to give of myself.

How much more of "myself" do I have, than money? How much more of myself am I able to give?

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I've been reminded lately...

...very clearly, of the constant ebb and flow of life. I see it in everything; night and day, sunshine and rain, in the ocean tides, in the fullness and emptiness of the breath. It's rainy and cloudy and humid today, and my boyfriend's friend looked out our dining room window and said, "At least it was nice yesterday." I never understood why people think it isn't nice out when it's raining. I love walking outside after a summer rain when the air is cool and you can still smell the mist. And this reminded me, there will always be sunshine, and there will always be rain. Both are beautiful.

The energy of life moves and flows around itself, waxing and waning, pushing and pulling. All things are within your view and shouldn't be ignored. The negative is just as integral as the positive, and in fact necessary for the positive to stand. Without the negative, all things simply become neutral. And in the grandest scheme of things, where the positive truly has no negative, all things are neutral. When breaking things down into positive and negative, who's to say which is "better"? Together they create the whole. That whole is God.

Imagine lazy ripples moving out over the surface of a lake, contracting and expanding as a result of the constant movement below the surface, and of the wind. That's what the energy of the universe looks like, valleys between the peaks and peaks between the valleys. They flow with each other so that life may continue to flow. You encounter both halves in every day life, and over lifetimes. Without the valleys, the peaks merely lay flat and stagnant.

What strength have you gained or lessons have you learned from the difficult times in your life? Or just today?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Straightening up

The farther I go on this journey, and the stronger I get in yoga, the easier it's been for me to straighten up from time to time, spiritually and physically. The problem was, though, I had been reminding myself of the two at separate times. But then I realized, the body uses energy to strengthen itself, and it gets that energy from the reserves that you provide it. When you realize how deeply ingrained the spiritual energy is in the physical energy, the body itself, you see that raising the spiritual energy raises the physical energy as well. It is all part of the same system. I picture it as strings running all the way to my core, and then pulling outward in all directions. The energy lifts itself this way, from the core outward. Go ahead and try it.

How does it feel?

I spent the last two or three days cleaning the main two rooms of my house. We're not close to being finished yet, but already, it is the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. All of a sudden I feel like I know what the hell I'm doing. And I've already begun to feel the effects, present and future, of this blog. And that is a very beautiful thing =)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Building the foundation

Growing up, my house was messy. All the time. My family has lived in the same house for the past 85 years. There are 4 generations worth of old furniture, books, pictures, tools, linens, china, clothes, papers and documents, and just a huge assortment of random little items that are only meant to sit on a shelf and look cute. There were so many physical items cluttering up every corner of every room, that it was impossible for everything to stay organized for more than a few days, if that. In the last 6 years, we've gotten rid of decades worth of clutter and useless junk, but there is still more. My father never wanted anyone to come into the house, and so as I grew up, it made me uncomfortable to have company. That, combined with a plethora of other issues, made me lack a real sense of foundation.

Over the last few weeks, I've been really feeling the toll that an entire lifetime of clutter takes. The farther I go on this journey, the more I see that I've always felt the effects. But having never known anything different, it's only now that I see how detrimental it's been. I've always had a lack of motivation that, combined with social anxiety, made it almost impossible for me to accomplish anything, or to feel really comfortable anywhere outside my own home. And because of the clutter and negative energy settled into every corner, my own home wasn't even all that comfortable.

The first several weeks of this journey were about trying to determine the cause of this lack of motivation. Because I had no foundation, no real sense of security, it blocked the energy that deals with family, safety, survival, passion, motivation. It made it difficult for me to even get dressed in the morning, let alone accomplish anything real. And so I've had to begin this journey from the absolute beginning. So far, it's been all about building the foundation.

Being unemployed has left me struggling to determine what I want to do and where I want to go. Even when I have a vague idea, I'm left not knowing where to even begin. It seems like every time I have the thought, "What's stopping me?" or "Where do I start?" the clutter is always the first thing to come up in my mind. Looking around and feeling how desperately this house needs to be cleaned, I finally have a true sense of solid intuition, and a solid place to start. Looking down this path, I have the sense of openness, the sense that there is more just ahead, beyond where I can see at the moment. That's the sense that tells me that I've finally taken the step that leads where I'm headed.

Ironically, or perhaps not so ironically, it was only when I stopped trying to figure things out that I figured things out. I read somewhere (I can't remember where, now) that when you're thinking about something for a long time, and all your thoughts lead you in circles and you find that you've gone as far as you can go, the best thing to do is just to stop. Just stop thinking about it. It's only then that you leave your mind open to the small voice behind the thoughts that's telling you all you need to know. That's intuition. And there's a fine line between intuition and thought. Learn to separate the two.

When I stopped focusing on how I'd make money, and how I'd accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish, I started focusing on what needed to happen right now. With that came the realization that after doing what needs doing now, the next step would naturally fall into place, because the first step would already have been carried out. And even though I may not know where that next step will lead, I know that it can only happen when it's ready to, and it won't be ready to until the first step is taken.

There is a great website called ZenHabits that was passed along to me by someone. The first article I read was called "The best goal is no goal." Throughout my journey so far, I've noticed that many of the blogs I've read deal with issues I had just been thinking about, sometimes not even a day before. They have all confirmed conclusions that I've already come to myself, which has strengthened my intuition and my trust in myself. This one was no exception.

I may not know where I'm headed, tomorrow or the next day or a week from now. But I know what needs to happen at this moment, because I've given in to the need that has always been with me. After that, I don't know and I don't care to know. So long as I keep taking the step right in front of me, I know the next one will happen when it's ready to happen.

What's been keeping you from taking the first step?