Friday, July 8, 2011

Catalyst for change

So, as I've stated before many times, I'm in the middle of a massive clean up of my house. This has been a long time coming, and even though I've thrown out loads of stuff in the last few weeks, there's still more to go. We're nearing the home stretch, but this is where it gets tricky. This is where the stuff we've neglected dealing with is pretty much all that's left, and it's time to face it.

The recent situation opened up a lot of issues for me. There's a lot of negativity surrounding the clutter in this house, and the relationships between the people who live in it. In trying to get my mother to cooperate in the clean-up, I've only met with resistance from her. She wants to keep EVERYTHING. It's only when she comes across something of mine that she says, "Oh here, we can throw this out." It's infuriating. I didn't realize how frustrating it really was until I exploded (and it was already pretty frustrating). It took me two days of skirting around the issue, but I see now that the issue is not so much the clutter, but our relationship. I've learned how to clean the house. Now I need to learn how to heal the way we relate to each other. And to do that, I've got to get her to cooperate.

In learning how to ask myself to change, I've begun to learn how to ask other people to change. Of course, I'm not going to demand that my family all change everything about themselves. But all this clinging to clutter and old energy isn't getting any of us anywhere. If I had to put up with that from anyone but my mother, it wouldn't be worth the effort, not by a long shot. But in order to straighten out my own life, I need her to be able to help.

I've always had problems opening up to her, and to almost anyone, really. I get emotionally squeamish. In any altercation with her, my voice and my mind shut down and my anger flares up. Not a good combination. The other day, I actually stood and watched as my hands filled with red light and yellow sparks. I saw it very clearly in my mind, and I definitely felt it. It was like I could actually sense the molecules of my hands and of the light rapidly slamming into each other, like every cell was vibrating. Take the anger out of the equation, and the feeling was actually kind of cool. Had I had the presence of mind to do so, I would have been able to gather the energy in my hands and play with it. Now I kind of wish I had =\

Regardless, I take the lessons available to me, and I follow to conduits that have been opened. I know I've always had trouble speaking to my mother. But, I've always been able to express myself beautifully through writing. This is the perfect time to join the two. In writing to her instead of trying to get involved in a heated discussion, I take my strengths and say what needs to be said, and release that anger in a way that I can monitor. There are things I need her to do so that we can finally begin to function, and there are things I need to do for myself. I'm now coming into the strength I need to do those things, and to ask for that change, and to push my voice past the obstacles that have contained it for so long.

This is a catalyst for a change that's needed to happen for a long time. I'm learning that sometimes, with the bigger issues, the pathway to change can open abruptly and painfully. There is nothing wrong with this. It's how that pain is handled that determines how the issue is resolved. It gives me comfort to know that God doesn't give me any situation that I am not ready to handle. I know I can do this.