Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Breaking the cycles

I've noticed that when I actively put energy toward something, some aspect of my life or part of my body that needs to be healed, eventually I find a way to heal it, without much thought. It just seems to happen. I've been losing weight practically every day doing yoga, but I was having trouble getting a good arm workout or stretching my calves and hamstrings (I've always had trouble with my legs/lower back). I sent energy through my legs and arms, and I finally figured out the best way to work both, with one move. I was having trouble figuring out the direction I was headed in, and what I wanted to be doing with my life when I finally "make it," and that just happened for me too, without much thought. It came to me and just felt right. Everything just seemed to fit.

Now, it's all dependent on my ability to move past my fear and do the work I need to do. I know that with the right training, social work will be something I thrive in. But right now, I'm still struggling with social anxiety, and it's hard for me just to get dressed every day. Now that I'm trying to get myself into school, I've got all these phone calls I need to make, all this information I need to find on my own. It's a very abstract process for me right now, because I'm not sure exactly what needs to happen when, and I tend to get frightened when what's expected of me is unclear or I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I've already completed the online application for the school I want to attend, and I suppose the best thing for me to do now would be to call the admissions office and find out what the next step is. That's what they're there for, right? But I feel like before I call, I need to already have all the info I need. Which is ridiculous because, if I already had all the info, I wouldn't need to call. I guess I just need to suck it up and call. This process alone will test my strength. And honestly, it's the perfect thing to push me beyond those boundaries I've had around myself. I just need to let myself step outside the walls. Literally.

I know what you're thinking; what does all this have to do with my spiritual journey? Well, everything. Turns out, the spiritual path takes on a whole new color when wrapped in the evil little bubble of social anxiety. Finding the support of a spiritual community becomes that much more of a struggle, and so holding myself in that spiritual space becomes harder and harder. But I know that I wouldn't be in this situation if there wasn't something for me to gain from it. Every single day has been difficult for me. But imagine how strong I will be when I finally push past my fear? It's happening slowly, but it's happening. Perhaps I'll end up specializing in helping people cope with social anxiety, or helping children and their families prevent it. I'm not too sure what my exact destination is, but I guess that's the whole point. The only thing I can see clearly is what's happening right now, and that's the only thing I should be focusing on. I suppose I don't have much of a choice right now but to pick up the phone and call.

The boyfriend and I are going today to obtain some health insurance. I'm meeting him at his job and we're going from there. I am grateful for the days when leaving the house is easy.

That means, though, that I don't have too much time to make that call...