Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Blessings from the Buddha

The other night, I was falling asleep, and I had a vision of a thousand Buddhas, resting on rainbows above me in a blue sky. Within moments the one Buddha was directly above me, and I felt and saw a shower of light come down onto me. I felt the light fill me, and I heard the words, "You are the Healer."

I didn't feel any different the next day, nor do I now. But there's a sense of...I don't really know, exactly. It feels like now, the only way to go is forward. I've had this sense that, even though I've been itching to get out into the world and connect with people, it wasn't the right time yet. Now, I feel it's time. I feel that I'm ready.

I don't have all the skills I need to accomplish my goals, not by a long shot. But I'm not going to acquire them until I go out and use my brain and talents, and develop those skills. I'm no longer scared, although I still don't know where to begin. But I can't let the uncertainty stop me. I've always let uncertainty stop me, and now that I think about it, it's that more than the fear that's really held me back my whole life. Fear of the unknown, I suppose. But how do I know what there is to fear or not fear, unless I go out and see for myself? My entire life I've been working based on a fear of something I've never even experienced. How helpful is that? The only fear I have left is that I will continue to sit here and waste everything that God has given me. It's time to move on.

That doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing. I still don't. And I won't for a while. But I just have to trust myself. I have to stop doubting myself, stop putting so much pressure on myself, stop telling myself that I won't be liked. Because I know that, number one, I will be, and number two, it really doesn't matter. Those who will hear me will find me, or I'll find them. But we won't find each other if I'm still sitting in my house melting.

All of a sudden the fear is just a rush of adrenaline. And all of a sudden I'm ready for this.