Thursday, July 7, 2011

Looking backwards

For my entire life, social anxiety disorder has made it impossible for me to function. The thought of leaving my house to find my own path was a terrifying thought. Now, after months of soul searching and rearranging, I am ready for the challenge. The only problem is, where do I begin?

Without a social network, I'd literally be going out into the world alone. And without money, there is very little I can do, alone or not. The only jobs I qualify for are retail, and the part of my soul that's left after my 3 years in retail does NOT want to go that route again. My mother left the house under my care and yet still wants to dictate how it functions, and for some reason lately I just feel like I don't want to have anything to do with ANYBODY. It feels like other people's negativity is rubbing off on me when I'm around them. I know I have the potential to be empathic, but because I've never had a solid social network, I never had the chance to really test this out. I spent so much time by myself, only wondering about people but never getting to know them, that I never had the chance to determine if my emotions were coming from myself or someone else. I never learned to connect, or to put up barriers when I needed them. And because I only learned how to use my emotions when I was alone, I never learned how to function when I was around people.
I leave my house and I have no clue where to go and no clue how to figure out where to go, and no money to get there. I have no one I can call, no resources I can use. I have three cats to feed and I can barely feed myself.
I'd give up right now if I wasn't almost positive that I have a reason for being on Earth. What my purpose is, I've given up trying to determine. But I do know that it will involve writing in a big way. Which is why I'm writing this to you now.
God, help me.