Saturday, September 15, 2012

Speeding things up.

Lol I make myself laugh.

I've been doing a lot of work with the lower energies, the red-orange-yellow. Security, motivation, personal power, a sense of self and family; these are things I've lacked in my life and which I am now working to build. I've come so far. So, so far. I continue to think of myself as "lacking" in these areas. But I realized. When I take a look at my energy, what I see in my mind's eye is orange. Orange is the color I can visualize the most easily and which feels the most....present. I am not as lacking as I thought I was. I'm already here. I had been fighting myself, trying to build something I didn't think I had. But I did. Lol. Silly me.

As I sit here I'm trying to bring a little focus to the higher centers, because my focus has been on the lower centers for so long. I find it's actually a little painful. Perhaps it's the headache I already have that's making the energy too much to handle right now? I know that's part of it. But a part of me also feels like my higher chakras are fueling the work that's being done in the lower chakras. As though they're saying, "Nah, we're cool up here, you keep doing what you're doing down there."

Now I feel like even focusing on the lower chakras is kind of overkill. Perhaps it really is the headache (which has been coming and going for the last few days. Part crazy baby sleep schedule, part fighting the beginnings of a cold). But then there's the part of me that feels as though....I've finally gotten somewhere. I've finally achieved something. God KNOWS I'm not fully there yet. But I'm close. I'm damn close. What am I close to? Just allowing myself to be, now that I think of it.

There's more to it than that, though. I feel like things happen backwards for me. Most people are trying to slow themselves down, take a closer look at themselves. I'm trying to speed things up, see the world around me. After a lifetime of being shut down, dead and lonely, I need a little liveliness in my life. I need a little living. For me, "allowing myself to be" means actually DOING. I've spent a long, looong time in my life doing nothing and hating myself. Lately, I've been working on doing. Allowing myself to get up and DO. I tend to trap myself. I tend to make excuses. I'm lazy I suppose. But then I end up hating myself. And where does that lead me? Hating myself. Eugh.

I left the house without the baby for the first time today. I was not as nervous as I thought I would be. She was with her daddy and in good hands. I took a good walk and got the energy flowing in my hips, which have always been tight. As soon as I brought the focus there, I thought about my daughter and felt a mild wave of guilt. It confused me and I spent the remainder of my walk wondering where it came from. Did I feel guilty that I was out without her, good as it felt to have some time to myself to walk freely and get the blood pumping? I think, it wasn't specifically that I was out without her, but that I don't get that good creative, active energy flowing as often as I should with her. Almost like she misses out on good, happy, active Mommy, and so misses out on experiencing that for herself. I was raised lazy. I don't want to raise a lazy child. She is three months old. Now is the time to begin.

On the crafty side, (or.....foodie side? Eh. Same thing, in my book.) I made applesauce! And the apples came from my own backyard. Macintosh. Love it.

I didn't put any cinnamon or sugar (GASP I know, right?) so it's just plain apples and some water and a tiny bit of lemon juice. But the plan is to freeze it (soon as I have the time to puree the whole pot) for when the Bean starts solids. sugar. And seriously, homegrown apples? Who needs the sugar?

Big pot o' apples. The smell just screams autumn. And yum. It screams yum.

All my apples chopped and in the pot. Boyfriend was at work. Wish I could have chopped apples with someone. Would have been fun.
I also wish I could take a picture of a scent. Oh. Mah. God.
I was holding a supremely fussy baby while I took this picture. It was honestly the best one I could get. <3 br="br">

And just for good measure. The Bean, contemplating the intricacies of Life.

She wouldn't keep still for a shot. But that smile... *squeee* <3 br="br">

'Tis all, folks. =)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


My first official blocking project!

These earrings came out fantabulous. Blocking is a lot easier than I thought and I don't know why I was so intimidated by it for so long. I tend to believe things are a lot harder than they actually are. Makes it difficult to actually want to try things, ya know? But, here's the result of taking the risk and jumping into it! Not too shabby =)

Here's Ellie helping out. =) "Oh how cute, she says the baby's helping but she's just sleeping aaaawwww" NO. If you've tried to get anything done while watching a baby, you know. A sleeping child is a HUGE help.

I don't know why she looks so angry here lol.

Also I FINALLY listed this necklace I made weeks ago! (Which you can check out at my shop: The Silver Cord)  I love this picture of the Bean and me ^_^ And incidentally my mom got me those earrings in Israel. Love'em.


That necklace actually taught me a valuable lesson. I had been trying to figure out how to make the cord from a pattern I found, but it made absolutely no sense. I had been all set to give up when I thought, "If I constantly give up, how am I ever going to accomplish anything? How would anyone accomplish anything without a little effort and thought?" So I kept trying, and it turned out to be so much easier than it looked at first. Not only that, it was exactly what I had been looking for when I went in search of that pattern.

Perseverance has been lacking in my life up till now. When I was younger, I would sit and think about doing things. I would plan things out to great detail in my mind, turning them around and seeing every possible outcome. But when it came to actually doing those things, I failed miserably. It was like I had lead on my legs.

But lately I There are still days when I get stuck on facebook and waste hours doing nothing. But those days (which are now becoming hours of the day rather than whole days) are becoming fewer and fewer.  Now when I decide to do something (for the most part), I do it. It's a good feeling.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Block partaaaay

I made myself a blocking board!

 That's the finished product. There are two layers of tape, vertical and horizontal, to create a grid I can use in case I need to size something perfectly. (I can't see myself needing to size something "perfectly," but ya know. Just in case.) It says "block party." I'm not as lame as I seem sometimes, I swear.

Just cardboard and tape. Most of the cardboard in my house these days is from boxes of diapers. It was garbage and now it's crafts. Love it. =) (On a side note, I'd MUCH rather be using cloth diapers. But Boyfriend doesn't want poop in the washing machine. =/ I guess I can't blame him. But I VOW, my kid will not be in Huggies forever!)

This here is the middle layer, out of three. The front is just one flat piece. Since I'm going to be sticking pins into this thing repeatedly, I wanted it to be as thick as possible. I could have done four layers, but I thought that was excessive. Plus, I'm lazy. =D

And that's the back! I put it right side out so I wouldn't have to differentiate between the front and the back. And because, well......come on, that baby is adorable, you know it's true ^_^ And that's Callie the cat! She's chillin.

My first blocking project (well, second, but first on the "official" Board of Blocking Wonders) will be a pair of earrings I finished aaaages ago and just haven't gotten around to blocking on the ironing board. That's fine though because this board needed to get made. I always neglected to block things due to the lack of a suitable surface (and aforementioned laziness). And now I have one! (A surface...not laziness. I already had that.) But seeing as how it's past midnight, the earrings are going to have to get pinned down tomorrow.

It's taking me a long time to get my Etsy shop up and running. (I don't even have anything up there right now. Sigh.) But I feel like I've been taking care of things that will make it easier to keep it stocked in the near future. Boyfriend and are I straightening out our finances, and I'm making things and learning skills that I can carry with me, rather than relying on one-time items that may or may not sell. I thought before I was building the foundation to change the way I think and live my life, but that, I think, was inaccurate. Before, I was digging the hole. Now I'm building the foundation. Small steps, small steps. It's all in the details.

Sorry my pictures suck, by the way. Haven't had the chance to pick up batteries for the camera yet, and I'm still stuck using my crappy ancient phone. Oh well.


This was one of three side projects I have going at the moment. A few years ago, I would NEVER have had the motivation to complete even one. Or even start them. They would have been mere thoughts. But lately, I've actually stood up and done the things I want to do. It astounds me sometimes how far I've come in the last year and a half. I would question sometimes if I was headed in the right direction, leaving my job, trying to make something of my Etsy shop and whatnot. But then I look around and I see how far I've come. Where would I be if I wasn't doing what I felt guided to do? Not here.

I have to say, I'm proud of myself. I managed to pull myself up from such a bad place, it's literally like night and day. I always considered myself a "dark" person, even though I knew the light I had. Now, it's the light that wins out, every time.

What really gets me though is that that was a choice. I made the decision to change myself, and then I made the effort, horrendously difficult as it was. I truly believe now, anyone can handle any situation they make the choice to handle. Without the choice, you give up your power, being dragged wherever your life takes you without seeing where you're going, and without knowing if you're in the right place or not. But it's possible to choose to be in a certain place, to choose to have a certain frame of mind. But then doesn't it stand to reason that you can make the choice to be in the wrong place? I'd say so. But you're going to have a hell of a time trying to get there.

There are no "weak" people. There are only those who are blind, and those who make the choice to see. Nothing ever got accomplished with closed eyes. Or a closed mind, for that matter.

Now I'm left wondering, what's the difference between the mind and the inner eye? O_o Or, it feels better to say, what's the relationship between the two?

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Mom thoughts =)

Well hello there.

I'm a mom now! Baby Girl was born June 10th, at 11:11pm, after 24 hours of labor. I never anticipated that the longest day of my life so far would go by so quickly.

My little one on the way home from the hospital, at a day and a half old:

And yesterday, at 2 and a half months:

Since I had my awakening, I've run quite often into the concept of love, for myself and for others (OOOBviously). Love for myself was always difficult for me to comprehend. Not sure why. The reflective nature of "love for the self" wasn't easy. I had trouble turning inwards. And now that I'm writing and thinking about this, I realize that it's intimately linked with my difficulty in sticking to a meditation practice. Trouble turning inward. (I just had an "aha" moment when I realized the link between meditation, love for self, and recognizing God. They can all be described as "turning inward." Something so simple can show you so much, and yet it's not so simple sometimes, is it? And yet, it is O_o You're right there, after all. Just see yourself.)

ANYWAY. My point. Since my daughter was born, "Love" has become a concept I am understanding more and more. Yes, it is absolute delight in the totality of this little creature, but it's more than that, more than "delight". It's total acceptance. And yeah, you see these two words thrown around a lot. But that's because they are TRUE. My daughter shits on my hand while I've got her diaper open, I smile at her and clean it up. She won't go to sleep at 3 in the morning and I'm near tears with exhaustion and frustration, I pick her up and can't help but love how warm she is. I'm running late for an appointment because I have to feed my daughter? You can wait, my baby needs to eat. (For context, I HATE being late, no matter what it's for. But for Baby Girl, I'll make the whole world wait and not blink an eye.)

No, I didn't bring you here to sit through a diatribe about how much I love my daughter. (But yeah.....she's pretty great.) The point is, I love my daughter the way God loves me. Completely. Without judgement.

I can't help but think of Jesus when I think of this relationship. He called himself the "Son of God." People assume he meant the literal, biological "son" of God. But, that's not the case at all. He only meant that he was one small part of the whole, created by and reflecting the whole, as a child does his parents. Didn't he also say that we are all children of God? I don't understand why people ignore this.

It's also said that we were created in God's image. Yes, of course, as ENERGY. What a vain, narrow-minded race we are to think God has two eyes and a nose, lol. The patterns of energy that make up our own bodies also make up the whole of the energy of the universe. We reflect that energy, we share it, we ARE it.

Anyway, I've come to believe, or to be honest, to realize, that love is a necessary component of life. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to live. If I didn't love my daughter, those 3AM wake up calls would go unanswered because I just wouldn't care. Of course, I would MUCH rather sleep than get up again to try to figure out why she's screaming this time. But I love her. So up I get. She would be a filthy, malnourished, terrified little girl if I didn't love her. Pretty dark and scary not to be loved, I'd say. How do you think you'd get along if your mother didn't love you? If your friends didn't love you? If God didn't love you?

On a less fanatical note, there are three things that matter most to me right now; creating things, spirituality, and my daughter. So rather than keeping the three separate, I think they need to be brought together here. They make up my one life, so why keep them separate? =P

I've slacked HARD in the last 2 and a half years trying to get my Etsy shop up and running. Now, I'm actually taking more complete steps to get myself set up there. Slowly but surely. And actually taking it seriously. I don't have anything up there yet, but there are many ideas and several works-in-progress. I figure I got time, right? lol. Life is short but there sure is a lot of it to live ;)

Empty now but a couple pairs of earrings up soon:

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Busy days

I have been so busy lately that it's hard to keep track of where I am half the time. I don't think I've ever been this busy in my life. But after a lifetime of sitting around doing nothing, it feels good to be handling all the mountains of things I need to handle. It's definitely scary. I feel like I'm not quite getting the rest I need, and I need to stock up on rest before this baby pops, which could be any day now. But life is moving faster than I realize. Tomorrow I have my final driving lesson, Wednesday is my road test (FINALLY getting my license! =D yay!) and Baby Girl is due next week. My shower was on Saturday, and I feel so much better about this baby coming now that we have a few more supplies on hand. We still don't have everything we need. We still need tons of diapers and onesies, and I'm still not entirely certain my body is in any shape to give birth. Signs of labor have been racking up, and while a few telltale signs are still holding off, I can feel my body getting ready for the big moment. Her room isn't completely ready yet and I'll have to spend the next few days doing what I can to get it there. I know it doesn't have to be perfect, but I won't have time for much of anything once she's here, so I'd like to have as much done as possible before then. Everyday I've got something written in my planner, and many more things on my mental list. It's a lot to handle. But it's a good feeling.

In the midst of all the confusion and tension and busyness, I've been strangely calm. I'm not quite sure if I'm just deluding myself that I have less to worry about than I actually do, but my stress has been sort of just a grey outline on the borders of my mind. Definitely there, but skimming the surface. I've actually been facing the things I need to do. Of course, there is much to be done, and with labor right around the corner, I have moments where I wonder if it's even possible for it all to get done in time. But then I think, if it doesn't get done, so what? I'll have my child, and she will be healthy and taken care of, and I'll be way more stressed about the small stuff than she is. And so long as she is ok, that's what matters.

The other day I was thinking, and I just realized how important it will be for me to keep calm even amidst all the chaos, and I saw that I've been managing this, and I saw that this process, of giving birth, of beginning my life, of clearing my mind and my living space and my heart of old baggage, will involve a lot of conflicting attitudes and actions. On the one hand, I don't have the choice right now to stop moving. Life is moving through me (literally) and I have to follow it. But on the other hand, in order to keep up without exhausting myself mentally, I have to relax every chance I get. And suddenly, those chances are slim. Which means that I have to relax while setting myself to other things. It's ok to breathe while my mind is running at a million miles. In fact, it's pretty necessary.

Beginning a solid meditation routine has always been a challenge for me, even though I felt as though I was missing a large part of myself without it. But I realized quite some time ago, sitting and allowing myself to do nothing is in no way fulfilling when doing nothing is all I've ever done. Depression and social anxiety kept me from living my life, and they kept me stuck in my mind, and so stopping to "do nothing" just made me feel stagnant and irritated, like a bed sore. But I realize now how fulfilling that rest is when I've been moving the whole time. I definitely need the rest.

I can also feel myself becoming more sensitive. I asked myself what energy centers I felt were activated when I was in a certain situation, or around a certain person, and I found myself seeing my boyfriend in a whole new light. It's easy to be sensitive to him because we know each other so well. But on the other hand it's easy to take him for granted because I'm so used to him and to his energy. I suppose the middle ground in just to be aware of him and aware of myself, without being distracted by my assumptions of how he feels about what I'm doing/saying. Those assumptions come from myself, even though some of them may be true. My mind latches on to the assumptions and usually blows them out of proportion.

My mother has a tendency to turn every small problem into a crisis. Her energy is frenetic and chaotic and I find myself unable to cope with her much of the time. My brain goes fuzzy and I just get angry, which leads to arguments, which leads to my boyfriend being upset with me because he can feel the negativity I spread in that state, and, as he says, I'm more aware of that energy than she is and I should know better. But I have a lot of trouble keeping my head on straight when she's off on one of her nag fests, or when she's just being completely irrational (a common occurrence) and it's very hard for me to keep my calm. God knows I'm trying my best.

This post is already quite long without a rant about my mother and I am TIRED.

Good night.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


When I ask God/the universe/Spirit for help, I get it. When I tell God that I need help, but that I can't handle any more pain (this has been quite a painful journey for me), and beg God to please take it easy on me, the help I get is gentler, and just as effective. When I allow God to guide me in the direction I know I need to go, walking that path is so much easier and less fearful and less painful than resisting the fear, than trying to take the "easy" way out.

This isn't speculation. I can point to specific examples, just in the last few months, weeks even, of asking God for help and receiving it, and in no great length of time. A matter of a day or less, and I'm thrown into a situation that forces me to do what I know I need to do. God responds when called, if you let it. Truly let it.

Severe social anxiety and depression have caused me to stagnate in my life. Action has been a major hurdle for me. Action in making decisions for myself, action in trying to push myself past my fears, action in doing those things, practical, necessary, desired, that I know I ought to do, but am too afraid to do. Action in getting off the couch when my joints and my back are aching and my brain is screaming for release/companionship/stimulation. Action, the smallest and the biggest, has been a challenge.

And yet now, I look back at my multitude of examples, and I see that God responds when called, from deep within you.

God, help me to act.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Just let it flow

I've felt a lot of pain and anger over the last several weeks and months. I've tried to feel and accept it all with love, but I just end up sitting here, wondering why I'm still in pain and wondering why I can't move past my anger, past all this confusion and fear, why I still can't fully feel what is real within myself. But my doctor helped me realize, not only do I over-analyze and over-rationalize (which I already knew, but it's nice to talk about), but by just trying to feel love for myself, and nothing else, I block everything else I feel. Which makes me think, isn't it a good thing to feel love for myself? Yes, of course. But by trying to immediately replace the "bad" thoughts with the "good," I invalidate the bad.

I had been thinking that if I allowed myself to fully feel my anger and my fear and my confusion, it would block the love that I knew was underneath all that. But that's wrong. By allowing myself to fully feel it, I can finally acknowledge it and release it. I keep trying to balance out and fine-tune all the thoughts in my head, all the emotions in my heart. But it's really hard to keep track of things when there's so much confusion, and when I'm really not allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. It just becomes a frustrating ride of ups and downs that really doesn't get me anywhere. It's the "keeping track of things" that gets me stuck. I get so caught up in my own head, in trying to think about and categorize what I'm feeling, I never allow myself to actually feel it. Even now, my mind is trying to grab hold of the feeling of feeling, to remember it and store it away for the next time I need to feel. But it's only by letting myself feel without restriction that I truly learn how. Knowledge is gained through experience. I've been trying to mentally capture the feeling of jumping off a cliff before I've even taken the first jump.

I just can't do this anymore. It's too much for my tiny brain to handle. There is so much else inside of me that needs to be felt, and my small capacity for thought can't handle the large amount of emotion that's bursting to be seen and felt and heard. I have not been real. I have not been living. I've been trying to love, and trying to live, and trying to feel, but I haven't actually done these things. Do I still have fear? Yeah, maybe. Probably. But I'm also getting fed up with the mental chatter and the excuses. It makes me frustrated and almost disgusted with myself, or at least, with the process my brain has been trying to set up to help me "manage."

I keep feeling like if I don't get the experience down in words, I'll lose it. Part of this comes, I'm sure, from the fact that I don't really have anyone to share these experiences with, so in a way they really do get lost. But, I gotta start somewhere. I gotta stop trying to make things sound all pretty, and just say the words that I have in my mouth. Cuz I usually swallow them, and then they just make my stomach hurt. If that makes any damn sense at all.

The semester is drawing to a close and my baby is due in less than two months. I've been taking driving lessons and my road test is all set (on my due date, which is another issue, but it's happening, which is the important part).

I've been stifled by fear. Lol. It's so funny to me, now, to think I haven't let myself move on with my life. Why? I don't know. I just don't know.

Energy just wants to flow, isn't that right?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Moving through the shifts

There has been so much running through me lately, it's impossible to put it all down in words, and I am not even going to try. The changes that have occurred in me the last few weeks and months have been drastic and hard-won. Expressing it on a computer screen is nearly impossible.

The baby is getting bigger and stronger, and the due date is looming nearer. Excited as I am, the thought of raising a child in the midst of such drastic change and instability is terrifying, as is the prospect of having to shove a small human forcibly from my body. The closer I get to the due date, the more scared I get. But I'm also preparing myself, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to understand now the state of mind needed to do this. Completely singular, completely focused, a state of total dedication to the task while remaining totally accepting of the very real possibility that it may not (and probably will not) go as I hope or imagine, and having to be ok with that. And writing that, I realize that that's the state of mind I need to accomplish just about any goal I have. I've spent my life scattered, distracted, wanting things to go a certain way and only being discouraged when they don't. Often, not even giving things the chance to go wrong, but just giving up before I've started, purely out of the expectation of failure. But what am I gonna do when I go into labor? Say oh no, this isn't gonna go the way I want, I'll just keep my kid in here, thanks. This kid's gotta come out, one way or another. And I'm going to have to let her.

She isn't even in the world yet (well, not where I can see her, anyway), and already she's teaching me and forcing me to change. I've come to a place where my old fears, though still very present, are now more of a bothersome nuisance rather than a debilitating weight. Those fears are still very real, but it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have much choice. A new life doesn't come into the world by chance, and this child, beside the great purpose I know she will have in her own life, is already forcing me to go in directions I had previously been too afraid to contemplate.

Although it's really too much to put into words, I can say that I have begun to step into a space where allowing the change is becoming easier. I've released so much over the last few months, and while there is still so much more to go, I am beginning to understand how to release myself into the flow of it all. Holding onto my fears is rapidly becoming no longer worth the effort and the pain, and taking those next terrifying steps has becoming something I can no longer turn away from. It just feels so much better and so much less painful to just move through the fears, than to hide behind something I know does me no good, and causes a whole lot of stress.

It's actually kind of funny, looking back over the record of my prenatal visits. The times when Boyfriend and I have experienced the most stress have been the times when my blood pressure was highest. Our relationship moved through some immense and tremendously difficult shifts, and a whole lot of tears and two anxiety attacks later, I am finally learning to just allow the changes I so desperately fought against. We both know our relationship will never "end," especially now with our child between us, and while we are still technically together, I feel as though we've taken a step back from each other, and have just been working on our friendship. We made the conscious decision to take that step back, and once we stopped fighting it and just allowed it, incredibly painful as that was, the tension just dissipated. We still have to stay aware of the bad patterns we know we both fall into, and try to steer clear of them, but we (I, especially) are learning to operate on the levels we know are best for us, separately and together.

We are still sort of feeling out our relationship and taking it day by day. But it's easier now. I'm less dependent on him now for every little emotional need. I'm learning to function on my own and take care of the things I need to take care of. I needed to step back from him in order to do that. I still do need company in my life. I still do need the support system I've never had in my life. But throughout our whole relationship I've tried to make him my sole means of support. I've taken more from him than it was fair to take. Now, I'm learning to find my support within myself, so that I can go in the directions I need to go in, rather than waiting for him to take me there, which is harmful for both of us. In short, I've spent a long time dragging him down to where I was, wallowing in my own depression, and now I'm learning to let go and hold myself up.

We both have a tremendous amount of pain in our lives. Up until now I've relied on him to help me through it, and he has helped me, as unhealthy as it was sometimes. I am so grateful for all that he has given me. God brought us together so that we could heal each other, and now that I'm learning to stand on my own, perhaps it will be my turn to take his hand and help him up. I know he has an awakening in his future, and I will be here for him when it happens. And now, with so much more confidence in my ability to allow this energy to move through me, I feel like I really can be here for him.

And reading back through this, even after all these words I didn't think I had, I only have one thought: "but how do I feel right now?" That's really all that matters.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Just a quick note to say I'm still alive. I don't have internet access at home at the moment, so I've been lugging my laptop to Starbucks whenever I can.

School is hectic, baby is growing and her heartbeat is strong, Boyfriend and I have been through hell and back and are still seeing things through one day at a time. Still starving, but always, always keeping my eye on the light.

I've come to a place now where I can open myself willingly. Acceptance is hard when there is so much to rage against. Even though there is still stress at every turn and the chances of eating every day are slim, we are still making every effort to look forward. All I can think is that we must be strong for the universe to have put us through this. And we will come out of it so much stronger.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Answers and questions

We have a daughter!

We've both known for a long time now that it's a girl. Now we've seen the evidence. I spent quite a few days worrying because I was achy and I wasn't feeling her move, but she's growing fast which caused the achiness, and it's too early to feel her move consistently. So, I guess a mother's heart will always worry ^_^

I wonder if I'll be able to speak with her, hear her voice. When does a person's spirit join their body?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

just Life

I'm not going to try to structure this; I just wanted to write something.

Big things are happening. I start school at the end of the week, and I have a sonogram tomorrow morning. In a little over twelve hours we will know whether we have a son or a daughter. Yay! ^_^

I've been through so many ups and downs over the last couple of weeks, I'm not even trying to figure it out anymore. I just feel how I feel and that's as much as I need to know. Our relationship has gone through so many changes, and now it just sort of feels like we're floating and just being with each other as we need to be. He's gone through a lot of healing and cleansing as well, and I finally feel as though I'm welcome again. How incredible to feel that way after so long feeling cut off from each other.
I'm learning how to live independently and it feels good to be able to make a move without approval or hand-holding from someone else. I took a huge step and called a couple of psychologists, and now I meet with a very nice guy every Saturday, and I'm not sure how much of the "spiritual stuff" he really believes, but he seems open to hearing it at least. And I have a lot of trouble keeping it to myself because it's just sort of out there. It's me. It hurts to hide it. It also hurts lately to say things I don't really believe are true, or to not say things I really think I need to say.
The downs still scare me. I'm still learning to differentiate between the simple low of life, and a bout of depression, which has been such an integral part of my life for so long that I'm only just now learning to recognize it. I suppose both are just lows of life. Whatever happens happens, I guess.

We are still broke as shit and still scared for our future and for our child. But we're trying to stay positive. And I think it's working.

Anyway, there's more I could say. But I just need to be right now.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Baby steps

There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and in my life, I'm not even going to try to detail it all. The practical basics:

I am starting school in a few weeks, and registering for classes in just a few days. I can't wait.

The baby is active and growing. I have the first sonogram picture in a frame in my house right now. My baby (who, at 12 weeks, looked like a "little bean alien" according to Boyfriend) is beautiful. Next sonogram in 2.5 weeks.

I have my first appointment with a psychologist in a few days. He wasn't the one I wanted to meet with, but he is the one who called me back, and I am staying open.

My relationship with my boyfriend was suffering for a while, and for longer than either of us had fully realized. The mood suddenly changed a few days ago when we both became acutely aware of the bad energy being bounced back and forth between us, and all of a sudden we were on the verge of some major decisions. They would either be very painful, or only slightly painful, but either way, they had to be made. After a lot of tears and many words, we are on a healthy path. The relationship very nearly came to an end, at least for a time, (we both knew we would always been in each others' lives) and it was difficult for me to accept that. But I knew I had to. Time apart was something we both needed. We were both feeling trapped by the circumstances and by each other. I made it clear to him I didn't want him to leave, but I knew I couldn't stop him if he decided to. I just wanted him to do what was best for himself. Because ultimately, it would be best for both of us.

It look me a long time to admit to myself, and even longer to admit to him, but I knew I needed time to myself as well. I realized fully that I've never known how to be independent, and taking care of myself was a lesson I needed (and still need) to learn. My dependence on him and on our relationship was choking both of us, and there were patterns I desperately needed to break out of. I spent a day by myself just thinking and getting things done that needed to be done, and it felt good. Throughout our talks and through the time I spent on my own, I just let the energy flow through me. I had reached a new level of openness and acceptance in the days before the turn of events, and I now know that it was in preparation for this great challenge. There was a lot I needed to accept, and I managed with minimal pain. In fact, painful as it was, I feel good. There is still so much uncertainty, but now I feel so much clearer and so much freer.

So now we are taking it slow and working on a fresh start. Neither of us know how to go about rebuilding our relationship while "taking it slow," but we are taking it day by day and doing what feels right. I have to put much of my energy now into staying clear of those old patterns, which is going to be difficult because I'm discovering those patterns as they arise. But that's where presence comes in. I'm making a conscious effort to stay aware of what's going on within myself. Which is really all I can do.

I asked him what I could do to save us, and he told me that he just wanted me to focus on myself. (There is no denying with either of us that so many of our problems started with me. Just a fact.) I find it funny that all the things I need to do to save our relationship, like calling the psychologist and making the effort to get the help I need, like meditating and exercising to make sure I stay healthy and aware and steer clear of old patterns, like learning how to be independent and learning how to function in my life and in my own house, are exactly the things I need to do for my own self.

I thought my car getting towed would be the motivation I needed. But that was a money issue and money has never been a strong motivator for me. I thought for sure having a baby would the motivation I needed. But still, it was a money issue, because just loving my child would never be a problem. But still no. I was still trapped. Then God threatened to do the one thing that would motivate me to make the changes I needed to make, and that was taking him away from me. I was willing and able to accept that if he decided to leave, I had to let him, and that I could actually be happy (eventually) if he did. And I really think that this was crucial in my being able to understand what I needed to do for myself. I see now that those other challenges weren't failed tests as I thought they were, they were preparation. They were steps on the ladder. Each challenge brought me closer and closer to a state of mind in which I would be able to see clearly, and make those changes. This one came when God knew I was ready for it. And I am.