Tuesday, January 24, 2012

just Life

I'm not going to try to structure this; I just wanted to write something.

Big things are happening. I start school at the end of the week, and I have a sonogram tomorrow morning. In a little over twelve hours we will know whether we have a son or a daughter. Yay! ^_^

I've been through so many ups and downs over the last couple of weeks, I'm not even trying to figure it out anymore. I just feel how I feel and that's as much as I need to know. Our relationship has gone through so many changes, and now it just sort of feels like we're floating and just being with each other as we need to be. He's gone through a lot of healing and cleansing as well, and I finally feel as though I'm welcome again. How incredible to feel that way after so long feeling cut off from each other.
I'm learning how to live independently and it feels good to be able to make a move without approval or hand-holding from someone else. I took a huge step and called a couple of psychologists, and now I meet with a very nice guy every Saturday, and I'm not sure how much of the "spiritual stuff" he really believes, but he seems open to hearing it at least. And I have a lot of trouble keeping it to myself because it's just sort of out there. It's me. It hurts to hide it. It also hurts lately to say things I don't really believe are true, or to not say things I really think I need to say.
The downs still scare me. I'm still learning to differentiate between the simple low of life, and a bout of depression, which has been such an integral part of my life for so long that I'm only just now learning to recognize it. I suppose both are just lows of life. Whatever happens happens, I guess.

We are still broke as shit and still scared for our future and for our child. But we're trying to stay positive. And I think it's working.

Anyway, there's more I could say. But I just need to be right now.