Sunday, January 8, 2012

Baby steps

There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and in my life, I'm not even going to try to detail it all. The practical basics:

I am starting school in a few weeks, and registering for classes in just a few days. I can't wait.

The baby is active and growing. I have the first sonogram picture in a frame in my house right now. My baby (who, at 12 weeks, looked like a "little bean alien" according to Boyfriend) is beautiful. Next sonogram in 2.5 weeks.

I have my first appointment with a psychologist in a few days. He wasn't the one I wanted to meet with, but he is the one who called me back, and I am staying open.

My relationship with my boyfriend was suffering for a while, and for longer than either of us had fully realized. The mood suddenly changed a few days ago when we both became acutely aware of the bad energy being bounced back and forth between us, and all of a sudden we were on the verge of some major decisions. They would either be very painful, or only slightly painful, but either way, they had to be made. After a lot of tears and many words, we are on a healthy path. The relationship very nearly came to an end, at least for a time, (we both knew we would always been in each others' lives) and it was difficult for me to accept that. But I knew I had to. Time apart was something we both needed. We were both feeling trapped by the circumstances and by each other. I made it clear to him I didn't want him to leave, but I knew I couldn't stop him if he decided to. I just wanted him to do what was best for himself. Because ultimately, it would be best for both of us.

It look me a long time to admit to myself, and even longer to admit to him, but I knew I needed time to myself as well. I realized fully that I've never known how to be independent, and taking care of myself was a lesson I needed (and still need) to learn. My dependence on him and on our relationship was choking both of us, and there were patterns I desperately needed to break out of. I spent a day by myself just thinking and getting things done that needed to be done, and it felt good. Throughout our talks and through the time I spent on my own, I just let the energy flow through me. I had reached a new level of openness and acceptance in the days before the turn of events, and I now know that it was in preparation for this great challenge. There was a lot I needed to accept, and I managed with minimal pain. In fact, painful as it was, I feel good. There is still so much uncertainty, but now I feel so much clearer and so much freer.

So now we are taking it slow and working on a fresh start. Neither of us know how to go about rebuilding our relationship while "taking it slow," but we are taking it day by day and doing what feels right. I have to put much of my energy now into staying clear of those old patterns, which is going to be difficult because I'm discovering those patterns as they arise. But that's where presence comes in. I'm making a conscious effort to stay aware of what's going on within myself. Which is really all I can do.

I asked him what I could do to save us, and he told me that he just wanted me to focus on myself. (There is no denying with either of us that so many of our problems started with me. Just a fact.) I find it funny that all the things I need to do to save our relationship, like calling the psychologist and making the effort to get the help I need, like meditating and exercising to make sure I stay healthy and aware and steer clear of old patterns, like learning how to be independent and learning how to function in my life and in my own house, are exactly the things I need to do for my own self.

I thought my car getting towed would be the motivation I needed. But that was a money issue and money has never been a strong motivator for me. I thought for sure having a baby would the motivation I needed. But still, it was a money issue, because just loving my child would never be a problem. But still no. I was still trapped. Then God threatened to do the one thing that would motivate me to make the changes I needed to make, and that was taking him away from me. I was willing and able to accept that if he decided to leave, I had to let him, and that I could actually be happy (eventually) if he did. And I really think that this was crucial in my being able to understand what I needed to do for myself. I see now that those other challenges weren't failed tests as I thought they were, they were preparation. They were steps on the ladder. Each challenge brought me closer and closer to a state of mind in which I would be able to see clearly, and make those changes. This one came when God knew I was ready for it. And I am.