Saturday, April 28, 2012

Just let it flow

I've felt a lot of pain and anger over the last several weeks and months. I've tried to feel and accept it all with love, but I just end up sitting here, wondering why I'm still in pain and wondering why I can't move past my anger, past all this confusion and fear, why I still can't fully feel what is real within myself. But my doctor helped me realize, not only do I over-analyze and over-rationalize (which I already knew, but it's nice to talk about), but by just trying to feel love for myself, and nothing else, I block everything else I feel. Which makes me think, isn't it a good thing to feel love for myself? Yes, of course. But by trying to immediately replace the "bad" thoughts with the "good," I invalidate the bad.

I had been thinking that if I allowed myself to fully feel my anger and my fear and my confusion, it would block the love that I knew was underneath all that. But that's wrong. By allowing myself to fully feel it, I can finally acknowledge it and release it. I keep trying to balance out and fine-tune all the thoughts in my head, all the emotions in my heart. But it's really hard to keep track of things when there's so much confusion, and when I'm really not allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. It just becomes a frustrating ride of ups and downs that really doesn't get me anywhere. It's the "keeping track of things" that gets me stuck. I get so caught up in my own head, in trying to think about and categorize what I'm feeling, I never allow myself to actually feel it. Even now, my mind is trying to grab hold of the feeling of feeling, to remember it and store it away for the next time I need to feel. But it's only by letting myself feel without restriction that I truly learn how. Knowledge is gained through experience. I've been trying to mentally capture the feeling of jumping off a cliff before I've even taken the first jump.

I just can't do this anymore. It's too much for my tiny brain to handle. There is so much else inside of me that needs to be felt, and my small capacity for thought can't handle the large amount of emotion that's bursting to be seen and felt and heard. I have not been real. I have not been living. I've been trying to love, and trying to live, and trying to feel, but I haven't actually done these things. Do I still have fear? Yeah, maybe. Probably. But I'm also getting fed up with the mental chatter and the excuses. It makes me frustrated and almost disgusted with myself, or at least, with the process my brain has been trying to set up to help me "manage."

I keep feeling like if I don't get the experience down in words, I'll lose it. Part of this comes, I'm sure, from the fact that I don't really have anyone to share these experiences with, so in a way they really do get lost. But, I gotta start somewhere. I gotta stop trying to make things sound all pretty, and just say the words that I have in my mouth. Cuz I usually swallow them, and then they just make my stomach hurt. If that makes any damn sense at all.

The semester is drawing to a close and my baby is due in less than two months. I've been taking driving lessons and my road test is all set (on my due date, which is another issue, but it's happening, which is the important part).

I've been stifled by fear. Lol. It's so funny to me, now, to think I haven't let myself move on with my life. Why? I don't know. I just don't know.

Energy just wants to flow, isn't that right?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Moving through the shifts

There has been so much running through me lately, it's impossible to put it all down in words, and I am not even going to try. The changes that have occurred in me the last few weeks and months have been drastic and hard-won. Expressing it on a computer screen is nearly impossible.

The baby is getting bigger and stronger, and the due date is looming nearer. Excited as I am, the thought of raising a child in the midst of such drastic change and instability is terrifying, as is the prospect of having to shove a small human forcibly from my body. The closer I get to the due date, the more scared I get. But I'm also preparing myself, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to understand now the state of mind needed to do this. Completely singular, completely focused, a state of total dedication to the task while remaining totally accepting of the very real possibility that it may not (and probably will not) go as I hope or imagine, and having to be ok with that. And writing that, I realize that that's the state of mind I need to accomplish just about any goal I have. I've spent my life scattered, distracted, wanting things to go a certain way and only being discouraged when they don't. Often, not even giving things the chance to go wrong, but just giving up before I've started, purely out of the expectation of failure. But what am I gonna do when I go into labor? Say oh no, this isn't gonna go the way I want, I'll just keep my kid in here, thanks. This kid's gotta come out, one way or another. And I'm going to have to let her.

She isn't even in the world yet (well, not where I can see her, anyway), and already she's teaching me and forcing me to change. I've come to a place where my old fears, though still very present, are now more of a bothersome nuisance rather than a debilitating weight. Those fears are still very real, but it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have much choice. A new life doesn't come into the world by chance, and this child, beside the great purpose I know she will have in her own life, is already forcing me to go in directions I had previously been too afraid to contemplate.

Although it's really too much to put into words, I can say that I have begun to step into a space where allowing the change is becoming easier. I've released so much over the last few months, and while there is still so much more to go, I am beginning to understand how to release myself into the flow of it all. Holding onto my fears is rapidly becoming no longer worth the effort and the pain, and taking those next terrifying steps has becoming something I can no longer turn away from. It just feels so much better and so much less painful to just move through the fears, than to hide behind something I know does me no good, and causes a whole lot of stress.

It's actually kind of funny, looking back over the record of my prenatal visits. The times when Boyfriend and I have experienced the most stress have been the times when my blood pressure was highest. Our relationship moved through some immense and tremendously difficult shifts, and a whole lot of tears and two anxiety attacks later, I am finally learning to just allow the changes I so desperately fought against. We both know our relationship will never "end," especially now with our child between us, and while we are still technically together, I feel as though we've taken a step back from each other, and have just been working on our friendship. We made the conscious decision to take that step back, and once we stopped fighting it and just allowed it, incredibly painful as that was, the tension just dissipated. We still have to stay aware of the bad patterns we know we both fall into, and try to steer clear of them, but we (I, especially) are learning to operate on the levels we know are best for us, separately and together.

We are still sort of feeling out our relationship and taking it day by day. But it's easier now. I'm less dependent on him now for every little emotional need. I'm learning to function on my own and take care of the things I need to take care of. I needed to step back from him in order to do that. I still do need company in my life. I still do need the support system I've never had in my life. But throughout our whole relationship I've tried to make him my sole means of support. I've taken more from him than it was fair to take. Now, I'm learning to find my support within myself, so that I can go in the directions I need to go in, rather than waiting for him to take me there, which is harmful for both of us. In short, I've spent a long time dragging him down to where I was, wallowing in my own depression, and now I'm learning to let go and hold myself up.

We both have a tremendous amount of pain in our lives. Up until now I've relied on him to help me through it, and he has helped me, as unhealthy as it was sometimes. I am so grateful for all that he has given me. God brought us together so that we could heal each other, and now that I'm learning to stand on my own, perhaps it will be my turn to take his hand and help him up. I know he has an awakening in his future, and I will be here for him when it happens. And now, with so much more confidence in my ability to allow this energy to move through me, I feel like I really can be here for him.

And reading back through this, even after all these words I didn't think I had, I only have one thought: "but how do I feel right now?" That's really all that matters.