There has been so much running through me lately, it's impossible to put it all down in words, and I am not even going to try. The changes that have occurred in me the last few weeks and months have been drastic and hard-won. Expressing it on a computer screen is nearly impossible.
The baby is getting bigger and stronger, and the due date is looming nearer. Excited as I am, the thought of raising a child in the midst of such drastic change and instability is terrifying, as is the prospect of having to shove a small human forcibly from my body. The closer I get to the due date, the more scared I get. But I'm also preparing myself, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to understand now the state of mind needed to do this. Completely singular, completely focused, a state of total dedication to the task while remaining totally accepting of the very real possibility that it may not (and probably will not) go as I hope or imagine, and having to be ok with that. And writing that, I realize that that's the state of mind I need to accomplish just about any goal I have. I've spent my life scattered, distracted, wanting things to go a certain way and only being discouraged when they don't. Often, not even giving things the chance to go wrong, but just giving up before I've started, purely out of the expectation of failure. But what am I gonna do when I go into labor? Say oh no, this isn't gonna go the way I want, I'll just keep my kid in here, thanks. This kid's gotta come out, one way or another. And I'm going to have to let her.
She isn't even in the world yet (well, not where I can see her, anyway), and already she's teaching me and forcing me to change. I've come to a place where my old fears, though still very present, are now more of a bothersome nuisance rather than a debilitating weight. Those fears are still very real, but it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have much choice. A new life doesn't come into the world by chance, and this child, beside the great purpose I know she will have in her own life, is already forcing me to go in directions I had previously been too afraid to contemplate.
Although it's really too much to put into words, I can say that I have begun to step into a space where allowing the change is becoming easier. I've released so much over the last few months, and while there is still so much more to go, I am beginning to understand how to release myself into the flow of it all. Holding onto my fears is rapidly becoming no longer worth the effort and the pain, and taking those next terrifying steps has becoming something I can no longer turn away from. It just feels so much better and so much less painful to just move through the fears, than to hide behind something I know does me no good, and causes a whole lot of stress.
It's actually kind of funny, looking back over the record of my prenatal visits. The times when Boyfriend and I have experienced the most stress have been the times when my blood pressure was highest. Our relationship moved through some immense and tremendously difficult shifts, and a whole lot of tears and two anxiety attacks later, I am finally learning to just allow the changes I so desperately fought against. We both know our relationship will never "end," especially now with our child between us, and while we are still technically together, I feel as though we've taken a step back from each other, and have just been working on our friendship. We made the conscious decision to take that step back, and once we stopped fighting it and just allowed it, incredibly painful as that was, the tension just dissipated. We still have to stay aware of the bad patterns we know we both fall into, and try to steer clear of them, but we (I, especially) are learning to operate on the levels we know are best for us, separately and together.
We are still sort of feeling out our relationship and taking it day by day. But it's easier now. I'm less dependent on him now for every little emotional need. I'm learning to function on my own and take care of the things I need to take care of. I needed to step back from him in order to do that. I still do need company in my life. I still do need the support system I've never had in my life. But throughout our whole relationship I've tried to make him my sole means of support. I've taken more from him than it was fair to take. Now, I'm learning to find my support within myself, so that I can go in the directions I need to go in, rather than waiting for him to take me there, which is harmful for both of us. In short, I've spent a long time dragging him down to where I was, wallowing in my own depression, and now I'm learning to let go and hold myself up.
We both have a tremendous amount of pain in our lives. Up until now I've relied on him to help me through it, and he has helped me, as unhealthy as it was sometimes. I am so grateful for all that he has given me. God brought us together so that we could heal each other, and now that I'm learning to stand on my own, perhaps it will be my turn to take his hand and help him up. I know he has an awakening in his future, and I will be here for him when it happens. And now, with so much more confidence in my ability to allow this energy to move through me, I feel like I really can be here for him.
And reading back through this, even after all these words I didn't think I had, I only have one thought: "but how do I feel right now?" That's really all that matters.