Thursday, August 25, 2011

Please, don't try to make sense of this.

For many weeks now I've feared that I've let myself slip, that my energy is decreasing, that I'm not moving in the direction I should be, because I'm not moving anywhere at all, really. It's bugged me.

But, I am vast distances from where I used to be. I feel like I haven't done much, because all of a sudden my standards for "doing things" are much higher. Today I folded some laundry and put it away (actually put it away, not just piled it somewhere,) I did the dishes, I cleaned the living room (sort of) and Boyfriend and I cooked a lovely dinner together that's still making me feel warm and fuzzy and nourished inside. Our room is cleaner than it's been in...god, I don't even know, and I'm generally feeling ok with everything. (And yes, standard household chores are a major improvement for me. You don't know the extent of the depression, stagnation, and general clutter my father left behind. Could have left a will, but ya know...)

I've also been eating healthier because it's suddenly much harder not to. I've had just about no money, and I've been struggling, but for the most part, I'm happy. It amazes me that I've been happy lately. I used to be miserable with just a twinge of fierce determination to be happy. Now, I'm basically happy, with just a twinge of desperation that I am suddenly able to handle. Just a little squeeze of lemon juice on top =)

Anyway, weird analogies aside, I'm feeling pretty good. I guess now I'm just accustomed to this new higher level, so I haven't yet noticed how far I've come. Or actually, I just did o.O

Anyway I seem to be full of words and thoughts lately. I need someone to talk to, and I also need to strengthen my meditation and exercise practices.

Oooohh I get it, suddenly there are more positives than negatives. And the negatives are still the same, telling me they need the most work.

I'm going to end this post here because I feel a long rambling diatribe coming that really doesn't lead anywhere.

I feel like I'm headed toward something major. I feel like I'm headed toward something that will change my life forever. What could it be? Could it just be that I'm making the decision, every day, to change the way I live in the world and the way I think about it? I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. That's major for me. I'm finally nearing the end of the social anxiety ride. Now I just need that real world practice that I've lacked my whole life. Everything I've ever "experienced" has been in my head. I've had whole relationships with people in my head. Does that make me a crazy person? Or just someone desperate for interaction? Both?

I still have this lack of motivation that keeps pulling me down. I feel like I'm trying to get myself up and moving, but for some reason I just can't do it. Am I afraid to? How can I be afraid to make something happen when sitting here doing nothing is causing me so much distress? I really just think I need to get up earlier, and then stop slacking when it comes to doing the things I feel need to get done. I think part of the reason I stop myself is because I always feel like it's not the right time. I feel like when I sit down to do something, meditate, exercise, write, read, whatever, it's not the right time. Why do I feel like this? What is there that I should be doing, or should have done first, that stops me from doing what I know I actually need to do? But, wait a minute. I feel like if I were to just stop what I was doing, just stop everything and take a good look at myself and at what I'm doing, I'll be better equipped to make the next move. I really feel like if there was something blocking me, than it was nothing other than the thoughts in my own head. I let all these thoughts block me, but I don't make the effort to remove the thoughts. I just sit and I sit and I just waste my day, waste my time. I just need to meditate. Every day, with no excuses.

The funny thing is, I do meditate, just not the way you'd think. I guess you could say I meditate with my eyes open. Focus has never been my strong point. And yet, I have intense focus. I don't claim to know what's going on in my own head most of the time. I just see it as it comes up. I know none of this makes much sense. But I kind of feel like there are words I can't access. Maybe I just need sleep. I will wake up early tomorrow, I will meditate, and I will do yoga. And I will go to work, and I will make the decision to have a Good Day.

With that said, I'm going to bed now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

waiting to inhale

I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. It's not a bad feeling, but I feel like I've just closed the door behind me, but the door in front of me isn't open yet, like I'm just sitting around in this little neutral space waiting for the next change. I've always had a problem with motivation. My lesson, I suppose, is that it's up to me to make that change happen.

I admit I've been slacking, as has been the case with me for pretty much my entire life. I've always been a slacker. Well, to put it less bluntly, I've always been a thinker, not a doer. And that's exactly where I've been lately. Stuck in my head. For some reason I can't get up the will power to exercise. I don't have as much trouble leaving the house, but just getting up and getting dressed is hard. It's not that it's hard, I just haven't been doing it consistently. I guess now that I've released whatever emotion was behind it, I just need to work on developing the habit. That's where I've gotten stuck.

I'm on a mission to start getting up earlier (early) every day. I've never been a morning person, except when I do get up early, and I realize how much I actually do love the morning. I just hate waking up. But because I get up late, I feel like by the time I'm done just hanging around doing nothing, the day is half over, and by that time, what's the point? I want to do it, but for some reason I don't do it.

I guess now, everything points to the action. Time to get out of my head. Best thing for that right now would be exercise. I just have to actually do it.

Good news is, I have my first day of actual work tomorrow. I had my training last week, and tomorrow I have my first short, pre-book rush shift, just to cement the skills I learned last week. After tomorrow, the real fun starts. Hoping to make some connections at this place, but also trying to just let whatever happens, happen.

I notice I'm more willing to accept lately. I'm in a sort of "down time," but this is just the exhale. I'll inhale when I'm ready.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Not a spiritual post, but still...

Earthquake on the east coast? WTF.

I was putting socks away when the whole house started shaking. For a split second I thought there was a ghost pulling the drawer out of the dresser, then I realized the door was shaking, then I realized it was an earthquake, then the "wtf I'm in NY" kicked in, then my father in law called from VA but I missed it, then I jumped on facebook and realized what was happening. Called Pop but phones are down, finally just got a text. Thank God they're all ok.

Well anyway, I still have socks to put away.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I know I am headed in the right direction because even when I've felt myself get low, I know it's only temporary. This thought, along with everything else that's going right lately, keeps me going. I'm still aware of the darkness, but now I have the sense that it's shot through with light. And even when I don't really like what I feel, I remember that I feel it, and that's enough.

I had my first day of my new job today. It's temporary so it's a lot to learn in a really short span of time, but I really enjoyed it, and I really hope I can convince the manager to let me stay when the back-to-school rush is over. I decided to stop worrying about where I was headed or when I would get there. That's when things started happening, and I started to feel lighter.

I realized that even though I haven't been completely sure that my decisions are right, I have been pretty sure that they aren't wrong.

This life has been all about overcoming obstacles and breaking boundaries. Everywhere I turn there's an obstacle. For the first time, breaking through them seems manageable, and almost fun. I ran around a lot today just getting shit done, and I had fun, just doing whatever it was I had to do. I came home and was less tired than I had been when I woke up, and I wasn't even that tired then.
Oh my god what's happening to me? D=


Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Oh boy yesterday was quite a roller coaster.

Boyfriend left for work before we had finished talking, and I spent the day on the verge of tears feeling like I still had so much more to say, because I did. As soon as he walked in the door I burst out crying. It felt like all the built up energy I had been carrying around just came up. It felt like pulling the cork out of a bottle that's been building up more and more pressure. It felt good.

We spent a good bit of time talking once he got home, and every time I started on a topic that needed to get released, I would start crying and just talk through the tears and let it all happen. At certain points it felt like I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying, my mouth was just moving and I was discovering all these thoughts as I listened to myself speak them. That was the best blubbering weep session I've had in a looong time.

I am so glad I have someone who is willing to stick by me and listen to me moan at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Oh and, I have an interview tomorrow. It's a temporary job, but it's the perfect job I've been looking for (bookstore! =D) and hopefully I can impress them enough to make it permanent.

I knew there was something big on the way.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I'm stuck.

I've spent quite a few weeks working through social anxiety disorder. Now I feel like I'm ready for the challenge of moving out into the world and connecting with people. But first I have to work through the depression. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I feel stuck in myself. My boyfriend resents me because I don't have a job, and it's difficult for me to accomplish even small tasks from day to day. The fact that he resents me only makes it harder because I don't have his support. He says I need help, (well, we both say that) but I've already been in therapy and it really didn't help. I need a spiritual counselor, someone who understands both the spiritual and the psychological. It boggles my mind sometimes how much I'm dealing with right now. And all while I'm sitting on my couch watching cooking shows.

I'm sort of at a standstill with my school applications. I've decided to take a chance and apply to a different school, which means now I have to get my high school transcripts, but there's no one at my high school until September, so I have to put the whole thing on hold. It'll probably work out though, because since I'm taking a chance on a different school, I won't be going until the Spring and I actually have the time to wait. I don't know how I'll get through the next few months. But I'll find a way. All things for a reason, I suppose.

Now I just have to figure out how to get my boyfriend to love me again...

just rambling...

I feel something big on the way. I'm not one to let myself get my hopes up, but so far many of my predictions have been true.

I overthink everything. Like you wouldn't even believe. Every little thing that happens, everything I see, my brain takes it and turns it upside down and inside out and looks through it and behind it and inside of it and every which way, but my conclusions are never verified because for some reason I never take the time to verify them. I've never taken risks, I've never let myself leave the safety of my surroundings, I've never allowed myself to live as if I loved myself and cared enough to allow myself to be everything that I want to be. I've always just been content with those conclusions, relying on my own mind for the experience I was too afraid to have. I have trouble even understanding the concept of truly caring for myself. But maybe that's exactly it. I try to understand everything, I try to think everything, I try to "know". And even when I was convinced that I was a feeling person and not a thinking person, I always had the sense that this was false, that I was just trying to be that. And really, I was. But the mental stepped in and took everything over. I became a slave to it. I feel like I'm trying to dig myself out of wet sand.

I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I've lived my entire life inside my head. I'm only recently coming to understand the severity of my social anxiety. For some reason when I was younger I only thought I was deluding myself thinking there was anything wrong with me. It was "cool" to have mental disorders, so I just told myself I was inventing them. The older I got, the more aware I became that there was something wrong. The possibility was always popping up in my mind. Now, I look back, and I wonder how anyone could have missed it. It always occurs to me to resent this when I think about it, the fact that neither of my parents made the effort to see what was really going on with me. But, I never actually get that far. It feels like I should resent it, but underneath that is the deep sense that without that, I would not have become what I am now.

It seems as though everything I've ever wanted, everything I strove for, was something I feared or couldn't do, or just one more of my many general obstacles. I've always wanted to draw, and I always sucked at it. (No, really.) I was always extremely visual, and my vision is terrible. I wear my glasses from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I desperately wanted someone, just one person, who would just be my friend and leave it at that, no gossip, no drama, no choosing boyfriends and other friends over me, just someone who would accept that person who everyone else thought was too weird to hang out with. And I was always that kid who got left to sit in a corner at lunch time because I was too afraid to go up to anyone, and they never bothered to come up to me. When I transferred schools in fifth grade, it was a matter of weeks before everyone in the class had begun to ignore me, and I became best friends with the three most shunned people in the entire school. We all (not so) secretly hated each other, but there was no one else who would talk to any of us. So we went through the next 4 years insulting each other and making each other cry and then going to each other's houses after school. And we all genuinely disliked each other, that's what made it so miserable.

High school was a blessing. I met my boyfriend the day I graduated, and he's kept me sane and living for 7 years.

And yet, somehow, I was always deeply happy, even when I was miserably depressed. I find it hard to describe what my emotional state was at that time. I was desperately unhappy, and yet, I had the sense that I was just pulling through until I reached the other side. I think, many times, I was just too depressed to realize how happy I was. I let my true spirit get covered up with the same thick darkness that my father had sunken into. But I knew it wasn't who I was. I never truly owned the depression. I never considered it a part of me. That's why it took me so long to fully realize what it was, even though I always knew deep down it was there.

It feels like all the largest blocks are only released when I've sort of... built a containment unit for them. Sort of creating a little bubble of light so that I can see what I'm looking at, but it doesn't suck me in. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it doesn't really matter right now.

The whole time I was writing this I debated whether or not to publish it. I have one or two other posts that I considered too personal to post once I had finished them. But, this is a documentation of my spiritual journey, and the inherent growth. Well, there is it right there. ^^

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The forest

Open house at my (hopefully) school today. Kinda nervous for some reason but I know I have no reason to be. Ah well. Move through the fear.

Once when I was younger, I was with my parents at our house in upstate NY. The house sits at the top of a hill, and behind it is a forest that extends for several miles. I've never explored it as fully as I'd like (I've always had a deep wish to live in the forest, where the natural world is still intact). But every so often, I would walk in as far as I could go without getting lost, which wasn't very far, and just sit and absorb the surroundings.

One day as I was sitting there, I tried imagining what the forest would be like if I wasn't there. There was a sudden stillness as I felt my mind go blank. I could feel the energy of the trees around me, just existing in their natural state, placing no pressure on themselves to do or be anything other than exactly what they were. I could feel the still awareness of the forest. For a second, I became a part of it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I could feel my heart opening. I could feel myself entering a different state of mind. There was a hint of fearful awe as I felt this. Even though I had no reference for it and couldn't fully understand it, I knew that it was something "good." But I also knew (or thought, at least,) that I wasn't yet ready for it. I brought myself back to my mind and walked out of the forest, not realizing how deeply I had changed in those few moments.

This wasn't something I thought about too often until recently. Deep down I knew the experience had had a profound effect on me, but it wasn't something I had a reference for, and so I just accepted it and wondered about it from time to time. Now, looking back on it, I realize what it was. But I won't attempt to butcher it with words.

Every time I start to enter a state of meditation, a real state that happens on its own and not just a half-hearted attempt, I feel like it's not the right time, and I pull back. I don't know why I do this. I suppose that's just my ego trying to keep a hold on itself. Actually, that's exactly what it is. And yet, I've seen and understood things most people don't understand. I guess I'm just really good at intellectualizing. God knows, I've spent enough time stuck in my head.

Awakening is a strange beast...

Monday, August 8, 2011

ups and downs

Jesus, the spiritual awakening process takes sooo much out of you.

But it puts a lot back, too.

I've been feeling pretty disconnected lately. I've felt a lot of darkness building up around me and in me. Depression and constant isolation has made it difficult to pull myself up out of it, and I've felt myself beginning to sink. I've realized over the past few days how intense and severe my social anxiety is.

Today started out rough and looked like it was going to be another painful day of sitting on the couch being lonely and restless and too scared to take the walk I desperately need. Then the boyfriend showed up hours early from work, basically told me to get up and get a job, and it just started to go downhill from there. Then, after many tears, he finally went to his computer and did the research I've been telling him to do for years. He finally made the effort to understand my disorder. Finally. After seven years. Seven years of being misunderstood and expected to just "snap out of it." Finally, finally, he understands, and is able to help and support me.

After a few more good, clean tears, I'm feeling pretty ok right now.

It's amazing how light I suddenly feel. I could feel my body getting heavy the last few days. It's been tough to even do my yoga every day, and I haven't for a few days now. I was worried that I would start gaining back the weight I lost. And the house is starting to gain back the mess it lost. Maybe now I can get back on track. =)

My school application is complete, and now I just need to wait for a decision. I'm going on a tour of the school on Wednesday. The boyfriend was supposed to come with me, but now he has to work that day (which is why he came home early today). So it looks like I'm gonna be doing this one alone. That's fine by me. I've gone on school tours by myself before. Although I really did want him to come. =/ Oh well.

It's been tough for me to develop a meditation routine. "Proper" meditation was never something I did consistently, even though I've desperately needed it the past few weeks. What's stopping me? I guess I always feel like there's something else I should be doing. But what? Cleaning, getting out of the house without the boyfriend having to escort me to the grocery store, exercising. All things I can easily do. But because of weight loss, lack of motivation, and sudden dislike of pretty much every piece of clothing I own, I really have nothing to wear. Looks like today is another "massive amounts of laundry" day. Hopefully I can find something presentable so I can go out into the world and feel confident.

I keep forgetting that I'm on the right track. Awakening has made me painfully aware of all the changes going on within me, and of the pain my disorder causes. I think I've been getting lost in that pain. But that's what it's all about, right? Awareness. I keep forgetting how aware I am. It becomes the norm, and then the thoughts start swirling because I know I'm not where I want to be, and I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough to get there. But I also keep forgetting that it doesn't really matter where I am, so long as I know where I am. And I pretty much do. I just need to keep moving, because this sitting still and doing nothing all day certainly isn't helping me move forward. And yet, all of a sudden, I've moved forward. o.O

I'm not too sure I really understood anything I just wrote.

Stop thinking and just get on with it, Leslie.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I have an undiagnosed learning disability. My old therapist gave disability assessments when she was in college, and she suggested I get tested. I never did, so I don't have the papers to prove it or anything. But it's obvious that it's there. Somehow, my parents never noticed (same as the SA). Or perhaps they just had their fearful suspicions and never said anything. Honestly, I think the most likely scenario is that they both saw that something was just "wrong," and both chalked it up to the fact that their marriage was so strained. They didn't know what to do, and did nothing. And honestly, if you want to take the clinical aspect out, that's pretty much true. Both of them were too unhappy to truly be able to help me.

I suppose this is a lesson in forgiveness. I can't blame them or myself for the circumstances. They just were as they were. We were all in it together, in a way. And in many ways, we weren't.

Life goes on, I guess.
My social anxiety is one of the things that I have had to struggle with in this life. Because it was so severe, I realized (after the fact) that a true spiritual awakening was the only way that I'd be able to break out of it. I also knew that, since I had an awakening "planned" for this life anyway, social anxiety would be one of the catalysts for it, one of the hardships that pushed me toward a revolutionary change. I needed the anxiety to necessitate the awakening, and I needed the awakening to overcome the anxiety. This sort of symbiotic relationship has led me to knowledge (and relief in knowing) that the struggles of this life were, and still are, for a purpose. Had I been content and happy, I wouldn't have needed the change, and I wouldn't have become what I was put on this Earth to become.

Turns out the tools needed to overcome social anxiety disorder are actually quite similar to the tools developed and used in an awakening. You learn how to love yourself and others, you learn how to accept what others may think or feel about you or themselves, you learn how to overcome fear and do what you feel moved to do. It's been a long and difficult journey for me. But there's strength beneath the mountain of fear.

I have to admit, I am still in the process of trying to overcome my fear. I think I'm ready for the challenge, I just don't know where to begin. I have no connections outside my immediate family, and it's tough just walking out into the street with nowhere to go and no money to get there. I've been looking for a job, but there are so many things holding me back, and I just don't know where to start changing those things.

I think I need to have a powwow with myself.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

not quite shitless, but still scared

So my mother just left for Europe for a month. Two problems with this: 1. I wanna go >=( and  2. Now I have to finish my college application process by myself and I'm really not sure what I'm doing. I mean, I basically know what it will involve, but I've never done this by myself before and there are a lot of finer details I'm going to have to figure out by myself, like where the rest of my $14K is going to come from. Haha! D=

all things heal

I can be extremely judgmental. That came to my attention a few years ago, and it's bothered me since then. Now, it's in my way more because it's getting in the way of me enjoying time with people. I think I developed that trait because, since I couldn't actually get to know people, I made do trying to figure out who they were through the small glimpses I got of them. The clothes they wore, the way they pronounced a certain word, the way a mother would speak to her child, small one-time occurrences that for me would become the whole person. Actual interactions scared me and so I wouldn't get to know what was underneath a woman's make-up. Ironically, I also spent a lot of time wishing people knew that I was more than just the t-shirt I was wearing that day. Perhaps there's more to it than that, but seeing it written out and logical, it seems right.

I wish people were more spiritual. It makes it difficult to interact with people when I'm going through shit they can't begin to understand, and all they want to talk about is their new shoes, or how much they hate their jobs. I hated my job too, but I made the jump and quit, and actually tried something different. And I'm still trying. Which is more than they can say.

I don't know why I never made the effort to look for the good in people. I think I was afraid that if I allowed someone else to open to me, it would force me to open to them, and I wasn't confident in what would be found, by either of us. So I kept myself closed off.

Awakening is just an intense process of seeing yourself more clearly, without judgment. And I haven't been able to see myself clearly because I haven't seen anyone else clearly. I've been putting fear onto myself.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Moving upwards

Everything lately has been telling me to MOVE UPWARDS. I've been really feeling the last few weeks that it's time for me to expand my voice, and start work on the higher energy centers. I've felt the need to expand my yoga practice, doing more cardio and start working on my arms more, and I've needed to develop a real meditation routine. I've completed stage 1 of the clean-up, mainly involving the main floor of the house, and for a while I've been sort of avoiding moving up to my room and the piles of laundry waiting for me there and in the laundry room. Today I just kind of started doing laundry, and I got through about 4 loads. While I was putting the first load into the drier I thought to myself, it's time to move upwards! The downstairs is finished, so start cleaning upstairs! And that's when I pieced together all the signs. And I realized how ready I was to start working on the next phase. Where that leads, or where it even begins, I have no clue. But I'm just going with it.

I've been sort of half-heartedly looking for a job. I don't want one, but for a lot of reasons it looks like it's going to have to happen. However, chances are moderately good that I'll be starting school in the fall, and I've been adding items to my shop lately and I'm going to ask the boyfriend to help me market it. That's money and a social life taken care of. No, the shop isn't much income but, for now at least, I don't need much.

I was out of work for a long stretch about a year ago, and even though my shop started out ok, I lost interest, as I usually do in everything else. But this time, even though I haven't put much effort into it, I haven't forgotten about it completely, and I've been having ideas way more often. I've also realized how important it is for me to have a real personal hand in making my own living. It's not even a matter of values or opinion, I just feel that that's the direction my energy wants to go. I feel it expand when I consider the prospects of making a living with the things I create myself. It's very satisfying.

I still have the social anxiety to contend with. I realize fully now how detrimental it's been to me for my entire life. I have loving people around me who only want to be a part of my life, and I continually push them away, out of fear. But it gets me nowhere and it only causes me pain and frustration. But I am, as I've said, moving upwards. And tomorrow is a new day.

Good night, folks.