Monday, August 15, 2011

just rambling...

I feel something big on the way. I'm not one to let myself get my hopes up, but so far many of my predictions have been true.

I overthink everything. Like you wouldn't even believe. Every little thing that happens, everything I see, my brain takes it and turns it upside down and inside out and looks through it and behind it and inside of it and every which way, but my conclusions are never verified because for some reason I never take the time to verify them. I've never taken risks, I've never let myself leave the safety of my surroundings, I've never allowed myself to live as if I loved myself and cared enough to allow myself to be everything that I want to be. I've always just been content with those conclusions, relying on my own mind for the experience I was too afraid to have. I have trouble even understanding the concept of truly caring for myself. But maybe that's exactly it. I try to understand everything, I try to think everything, I try to "know". And even when I was convinced that I was a feeling person and not a thinking person, I always had the sense that this was false, that I was just trying to be that. And really, I was. But the mental stepped in and took everything over. I became a slave to it. I feel like I'm trying to dig myself out of wet sand.

I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I've lived my entire life inside my head. I'm only recently coming to understand the severity of my social anxiety. For some reason when I was younger I only thought I was deluding myself thinking there was anything wrong with me. It was "cool" to have mental disorders, so I just told myself I was inventing them. The older I got, the more aware I became that there was something wrong. The possibility was always popping up in my mind. Now, I look back, and I wonder how anyone could have missed it. It always occurs to me to resent this when I think about it, the fact that neither of my parents made the effort to see what was really going on with me. But, I never actually get that far. It feels like I should resent it, but underneath that is the deep sense that without that, I would not have become what I am now.

It seems as though everything I've ever wanted, everything I strove for, was something I feared or couldn't do, or just one more of my many general obstacles. I've always wanted to draw, and I always sucked at it. (No, really.) I was always extremely visual, and my vision is terrible. I wear my glasses from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I desperately wanted someone, just one person, who would just be my friend and leave it at that, no gossip, no drama, no choosing boyfriends and other friends over me, just someone who would accept that person who everyone else thought was too weird to hang out with. And I was always that kid who got left to sit in a corner at lunch time because I was too afraid to go up to anyone, and they never bothered to come up to me. When I transferred schools in fifth grade, it was a matter of weeks before everyone in the class had begun to ignore me, and I became best friends with the three most shunned people in the entire school. We all (not so) secretly hated each other, but there was no one else who would talk to any of us. So we went through the next 4 years insulting each other and making each other cry and then going to each other's houses after school. And we all genuinely disliked each other, that's what made it so miserable.

High school was a blessing. I met my boyfriend the day I graduated, and he's kept me sane and living for 7 years.

And yet, somehow, I was always deeply happy, even when I was miserably depressed. I find it hard to describe what my emotional state was at that time. I was desperately unhappy, and yet, I had the sense that I was just pulling through until I reached the other side. I think, many times, I was just too depressed to realize how happy I was. I let my true spirit get covered up with the same thick darkness that my father had sunken into. But I knew it wasn't who I was. I never truly owned the depression. I never considered it a part of me. That's why it took me so long to fully realize what it was, even though I always knew deep down it was there.

It feels like all the largest blocks are only released when I've sort of... built a containment unit for them. Sort of creating a little bubble of light so that I can see what I'm looking at, but it doesn't suck me in. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it doesn't really matter right now.

The whole time I was writing this I debated whether or not to publish it. I have one or two other posts that I considered too personal to post once I had finished them. But, this is a documentation of my spiritual journey, and the inherent growth. Well, there is it right there. ^^