Saturday, August 6, 2011

My social anxiety is one of the things that I have had to struggle with in this life. Because it was so severe, I realized (after the fact) that a true spiritual awakening was the only way that I'd be able to break out of it. I also knew that, since I had an awakening "planned" for this life anyway, social anxiety would be one of the catalysts for it, one of the hardships that pushed me toward a revolutionary change. I needed the anxiety to necessitate the awakening, and I needed the awakening to overcome the anxiety. This sort of symbiotic relationship has led me to knowledge (and relief in knowing) that the struggles of this life were, and still are, for a purpose. Had I been content and happy, I wouldn't have needed the change, and I wouldn't have become what I was put on this Earth to become.

Turns out the tools needed to overcome social anxiety disorder are actually quite similar to the tools developed and used in an awakening. You learn how to love yourself and others, you learn how to accept what others may think or feel about you or themselves, you learn how to overcome fear and do what you feel moved to do. It's been a long and difficult journey for me. But there's strength beneath the mountain of fear.

I have to admit, I am still in the process of trying to overcome my fear. I think I'm ready for the challenge, I just don't know where to begin. I have no connections outside my immediate family, and it's tough just walking out into the street with nowhere to go and no money to get there. I've been looking for a job, but there are so many things holding me back, and I just don't know where to start changing those things.

I think I need to have a powwow with myself.