Tuesday, August 2, 2011

all things heal

I can be extremely judgmental. That came to my attention a few years ago, and it's bothered me since then. Now, it's in my way more because it's getting in the way of me enjoying time with people. I think I developed that trait because, since I couldn't actually get to know people, I made do trying to figure out who they were through the small glimpses I got of them. The clothes they wore, the way they pronounced a certain word, the way a mother would speak to her child, small one-time occurrences that for me would become the whole person. Actual interactions scared me and so I wouldn't get to know what was underneath a woman's make-up. Ironically, I also spent a lot of time wishing people knew that I was more than just the t-shirt I was wearing that day. Perhaps there's more to it than that, but seeing it written out and logical, it seems right.

I wish people were more spiritual. It makes it difficult to interact with people when I'm going through shit they can't begin to understand, and all they want to talk about is their new shoes, or how much they hate their jobs. I hated my job too, but I made the jump and quit, and actually tried something different. And I'm still trying. Which is more than they can say.

I don't know why I never made the effort to look for the good in people. I think I was afraid that if I allowed someone else to open to me, it would force me to open to them, and I wasn't confident in what would be found, by either of us. So I kept myself closed off.

Awakening is just an intense process of seeing yourself more clearly, without judgment. And I haven't been able to see myself clearly because I haven't seen anyone else clearly. I've been putting fear onto myself.