Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The forest

Open house at my (hopefully) school today. Kinda nervous for some reason but I know I have no reason to be. Ah well. Move through the fear.

Once when I was younger, I was with my parents at our house in upstate NY. The house sits at the top of a hill, and behind it is a forest that extends for several miles. I've never explored it as fully as I'd like (I've always had a deep wish to live in the forest, where the natural world is still intact). But every so often, I would walk in as far as I could go without getting lost, which wasn't very far, and just sit and absorb the surroundings.

One day as I was sitting there, I tried imagining what the forest would be like if I wasn't there. There was a sudden stillness as I felt my mind go blank. I could feel the energy of the trees around me, just existing in their natural state, placing no pressure on themselves to do or be anything other than exactly what they were. I could feel the still awareness of the forest. For a second, I became a part of it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I could feel my heart opening. I could feel myself entering a different state of mind. There was a hint of fearful awe as I felt this. Even though I had no reference for it and couldn't fully understand it, I knew that it was something "good." But I also knew (or thought, at least,) that I wasn't yet ready for it. I brought myself back to my mind and walked out of the forest, not realizing how deeply I had changed in those few moments.

This wasn't something I thought about too often until recently. Deep down I knew the experience had had a profound effect on me, but it wasn't something I had a reference for, and so I just accepted it and wondered about it from time to time. Now, looking back on it, I realize what it was. But I won't attempt to butcher it with words.

Every time I start to enter a state of meditation, a real state that happens on its own and not just a half-hearted attempt, I feel like it's not the right time, and I pull back. I don't know why I do this. I suppose that's just my ego trying to keep a hold on itself. Actually, that's exactly what it is. And yet, I've seen and understood things most people don't understand. I guess I'm just really good at intellectualizing. God knows, I've spent enough time stuck in my head.

Awakening is a strange beast...