Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Discipline has been on my mind frequently the last few days/weeks. Not least of all because Boyfriend keeps reminding me that I have none and need to learn it. It's obvious why this is the case. My father "disciplined" me by not letting me open the window in the car when I had a headache (huh? o.O Some form of pain management...? I...I don't get it...) My mother tried to discipline me, but having my father as an example, I would just tell her to leave me alone, and she would get frustrated and angry and walk away. The result: I didn't even realize that I didn't truly know what discipline was until a few months ago. Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually become pretty good at disciplining myself, but in useless and sometimes unhealthy ways. If I desperately need to use the bathroom when I walk in the house, I won't let myself go until I've done EVERYTHING I need to do once I get home; take off shoes and coat, feed the cats, put keys/wallet/etc. away, all while my bladder is screaming at me. Why do I do this? Who knows? OCD? I know I show signs of it but I've never been diagnosed so I can't really use that as an excuse. And is that really discipline? I think it borders on self-deprivation, just like a lot of other things I do.

But anyway, how would I define "real" discipline? Doing something I know I should do even if I don't want to? I suppose that's part of it. Even when there's something I know is worth it, meditation, yoga, cleaning and whatnot, I just get caught up in the I-don't-wanna-do-it. I keep waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

I had a moment the other day when Boyfriend and I were talking about doing something (probably something health related like yoga, I don't even remember) and I said something about "when I start," and I thought to myself, "I won't do it until I start. And why haven't I started? What am I waiting for?" Why do I always feel like it's not the right time? What do I think I'll be missing if I'm doing something else? I'm usually just sitting and thinking about nothing anyway. For some reason, the thoughts in my head seem so much more important to me than anything I "should" be doing. I suppose that's because the thoughts in my head have for so long been the only things that are really real. I think the "homestretch" toward my awakening really began when I realized, oh my god, I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I realized that the thoughts aren't real, and really aren't doing me any good. (On a side note, there was a blue jay sitting in my apple tree for quite some time, and as soon as I had a little mini breakthrough just now it flew away. Hm.)

Perhaps that inner conversation is the only thing that's ever made me feel really connected, like I was communicating with myself, like I was alive. But the ironic thing is, the inner conversation is the thing that's kept me disconnected from what's actually real. It's kept me living a false life. For much of my life, the mental body had nearly complete control of the entire system. And I can't suppress it by merely willing it to be suppressed. I have to actively send energy to the other bodies in order to deflate the bloated mental body. Like releasing a bulging dam. The physical is most definitely starving for attention.

Exercise and active meditation. Two things which have been circling around me, and which for some reason, I can't seem to embrace. Well, it's well past time.

I have my first sonogram in about two hours. (squeeeeeeee!!!!! ^_^) I'm terrified that this child is going to be small and stunted because I haven't been properly caring for myself, and that affects her in a big way. But, I was also terrified that my blood work would come back riddled with sugar and cholesterol and fully preventable things that I'd now have to deal with, and all my tests were perfect (doctor's own words). So perhaps it's just a young mother's fears. God above, I hope so.

Once I see her little body within my own, this will all feel real. Perhaps that'll be just the fire under my ass that I need. Don't worry, little baby, I'm here for you. I'm here for myself, and I'm here for you.


Friday, December 9, 2011

There is something happening. I can feel it. I've left the house every day this week, and I've been active and have spoken to people easily, both casually and to get things done. I went to a meditation class on Monday where I met someone who was nice and asked me if I was going back this evening, which I will be doing. That night Boyfriend and I hung out with a really awesome person who is now a friend (something I DESPERATELY need.) I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday (all my blood work came back perfect, THANK GOD) and my first sonogram appointment is on Monday (trying to reschedule though because Boyfriend works on Monday. He's gotta be there, right?) I had a dream last night that I walked past a neighbor of mine, and we actually got to talking. And I wasn't freaking out. And today, an old friend found me on facebook, and even though there's much that needs to be worked through with her, I haven't forgotten her and now I know she hasn't forgotten me.

Even though I'm still jobless and broke, and even though I've been slacking and the house is a mess, I've been feeling good lately. I've started on a new writing project that I've got no concrete goals for (and so am not stressed about), and I've been actively looking for jobs while trying not to be too picky. I'm still stressed, but all of a sudden it was like something shifted. I've been reminding myself not to cling to the highs, and not to get desperate in the lows. They all come and go. That's just the way of life.

I do still feel stuck. But it's a different stuck. It's no longer hopeless. Now I feel like I can wiggle my toes a bit, and turn my head and look around. I don't know if it's just the sunshine after days of rain and darkness, but I feel the light starting to shine through. I do have a tendency to let my mood be affected by the weather. I suppose that's not really a bad thing. I just have to remind myself to stay active in a different way when it's dark and cloudy outside. Stay home and clean something, meditate, do some yoga. Sunny days are the days for getting out and walking around. I've always been super plugged into the weather like that. Might as well just go with it.

Lately it's been all about discipline. Boyfriend and I have both really been feeling the effects of our diets, which for waaay too long now have consisted of shit upon shit, simply because we're too poor to eat properly. (No, seriously. I've got tater tots and veggies in the freezer and not much else, and our last grocery trip had a $30 budget, which doesn't go far in this city. But we both do eat healthy when we can.) And now with a baby on the way, our health has become top priority, especially for me. But I had no real discipline growing up, and saying no to myself has been a constant struggle (along with making myself get up from the couch). As far as my eating habits go, I'm miles from where I used to be. But with hardly anything in the fridge and nothing in my bank account, it's been tough to stay on track. Cheap and plentiful has taken precedence over healthy and pricy. And for a while, it's probably going to stay that way. But we watched a documentary a few days ago about the benefits of a whole foods diet, and he's been all over it. We can't really afford it, but even after finding an extra 2 bucks in my winter coat, I was able to walk right past a hot dog stand yesterday without stopping (oh my god hot dogs *drool*). That's where the discipline comes in. Every time I choose something to eat, I just have to ask myself, would I feed this to my child? Because that's where it ends up.

Anyway, the point of all this is that it's been hard to keep myself on track, but I'm learning. I've slacked on my meditation and yoga routine, but I've really been feeling the effect that ignoring these things has had on me. Maintenance has been a big issue for me. Just as I have to sweep the floor every day, I have to meditate every day, just to keep the piles of dust and cat fur cleared out (and oh god, the cat fur is EVERYWHERE, little monsters...<3). These things are worth it in every way possible, and even more than I realize when I'm not doing them. I just have to keep my mindset on the other side of the effort, and realize that the effort isn't nearly as bad as the result of non-effort. All I have to do is stand up. It's the hardest part, and then everything else is easy. That's what Boyfriend always tells me. And it's one of the only things that has kept me going. All I have to do is stand up.

On a side note, I just want to express how amazing my boyfriend is, how incredibly perfect he is for me despite our lack of common interests, and how unbelievable our relationship is. And not "oooh my god, I love my boyfriend, he's so great." He is truly the most wonderful thing in my life. I've put him through so much and he still thanks me every day for being with him. He actually thanked me last night just for being myself. We speak openly and honestly to each other, about everything and anything. We respect each other easily and without pretense. We have no ulterior motives. Our child will grow up with the type of parents, in the type of household, with the type of love, that neither of us had, and we both desperately needed. God truly knew what he was doing when he put the two of us together, and that makes me truly, profoundly grateful.

I love you, babe. <3 You've kept me strong.