Thursday, August 25, 2011

Please, don't try to make sense of this.

For many weeks now I've feared that I've let myself slip, that my energy is decreasing, that I'm not moving in the direction I should be, because I'm not moving anywhere at all, really. It's bugged me.

But, I am vast distances from where I used to be. I feel like I haven't done much, because all of a sudden my standards for "doing things" are much higher. Today I folded some laundry and put it away (actually put it away, not just piled it somewhere,) I did the dishes, I cleaned the living room (sort of) and Boyfriend and I cooked a lovely dinner together that's still making me feel warm and fuzzy and nourished inside. Our room is cleaner than it's been in...god, I don't even know, and I'm generally feeling ok with everything. (And yes, standard household chores are a major improvement for me. You don't know the extent of the depression, stagnation, and general clutter my father left behind. Could have left a will, but ya know...)

I've also been eating healthier because it's suddenly much harder not to. I've had just about no money, and I've been struggling, but for the most part, I'm happy. It amazes me that I've been happy lately. I used to be miserable with just a twinge of fierce determination to be happy. Now, I'm basically happy, with just a twinge of desperation that I am suddenly able to handle. Just a little squeeze of lemon juice on top =)

Anyway, weird analogies aside, I'm feeling pretty good. I guess now I'm just accustomed to this new higher level, so I haven't yet noticed how far I've come. Or actually, I just did o.O

Anyway I seem to be full of words and thoughts lately. I need someone to talk to, and I also need to strengthen my meditation and exercise practices.

Oooohh I get it, suddenly there are more positives than negatives. And the negatives are still the same, telling me they need the most work.

I'm going to end this post here because I feel a long rambling diatribe coming that really doesn't lead anywhere.

I feel like I'm headed toward something major. I feel like I'm headed toward something that will change my life forever. What could it be? Could it just be that I'm making the decision, every day, to change the way I live in the world and the way I think about it? I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. That's major for me. I'm finally nearing the end of the social anxiety ride. Now I just need that real world practice that I've lacked my whole life. Everything I've ever "experienced" has been in my head. I've had whole relationships with people in my head. Does that make me a crazy person? Or just someone desperate for interaction? Both?

I still have this lack of motivation that keeps pulling me down. I feel like I'm trying to get myself up and moving, but for some reason I just can't do it. Am I afraid to? How can I be afraid to make something happen when sitting here doing nothing is causing me so much distress? I really just think I need to get up earlier, and then stop slacking when it comes to doing the things I feel need to get done. I think part of the reason I stop myself is because I always feel like it's not the right time. I feel like when I sit down to do something, meditate, exercise, write, read, whatever, it's not the right time. Why do I feel like this? What is there that I should be doing, or should have done first, that stops me from doing what I know I actually need to do? But, wait a minute. I feel like if I were to just stop what I was doing, just stop everything and take a good look at myself and at what I'm doing, I'll be better equipped to make the next move. I really feel like if there was something blocking me, than it was nothing other than the thoughts in my own head. I let all these thoughts block me, but I don't make the effort to remove the thoughts. I just sit and I sit and I just waste my day, waste my time. I just need to meditate. Every day, with no excuses.

The funny thing is, I do meditate, just not the way you'd think. I guess you could say I meditate with my eyes open. Focus has never been my strong point. And yet, I have intense focus. I don't claim to know what's going on in my own head most of the time. I just see it as it comes up. I know none of this makes much sense. But I kind of feel like there are words I can't access. Maybe I just need sleep. I will wake up early tomorrow, I will meditate, and I will do yoga. And I will go to work, and I will make the decision to have a Good Day.

With that said, I'm going to bed now.