Monday, August 8, 2011

ups and downs

Jesus, the spiritual awakening process takes sooo much out of you.

But it puts a lot back, too.

I've been feeling pretty disconnected lately. I've felt a lot of darkness building up around me and in me. Depression and constant isolation has made it difficult to pull myself up out of it, and I've felt myself beginning to sink. I've realized over the past few days how intense and severe my social anxiety is.

Today started out rough and looked like it was going to be another painful day of sitting on the couch being lonely and restless and too scared to take the walk I desperately need. Then the boyfriend showed up hours early from work, basically told me to get up and get a job, and it just started to go downhill from there. Then, after many tears, he finally went to his computer and did the research I've been telling him to do for years. He finally made the effort to understand my disorder. Finally. After seven years. Seven years of being misunderstood and expected to just "snap out of it." Finally, finally, he understands, and is able to help and support me.

After a few more good, clean tears, I'm feeling pretty ok right now.

It's amazing how light I suddenly feel. I could feel my body getting heavy the last few days. It's been tough to even do my yoga every day, and I haven't for a few days now. I was worried that I would start gaining back the weight I lost. And the house is starting to gain back the mess it lost. Maybe now I can get back on track. =)

My school application is complete, and now I just need to wait for a decision. I'm going on a tour of the school on Wednesday. The boyfriend was supposed to come with me, but now he has to work that day (which is why he came home early today). So it looks like I'm gonna be doing this one alone. That's fine by me. I've gone on school tours by myself before. Although I really did want him to come. =/ Oh well.

It's been tough for me to develop a meditation routine. "Proper" meditation was never something I did consistently, even though I've desperately needed it the past few weeks. What's stopping me? I guess I always feel like there's something else I should be doing. But what? Cleaning, getting out of the house without the boyfriend having to escort me to the grocery store, exercising. All things I can easily do. But because of weight loss, lack of motivation, and sudden dislike of pretty much every piece of clothing I own, I really have nothing to wear. Looks like today is another "massive amounts of laundry" day. Hopefully I can find something presentable so I can go out into the world and feel confident.

I keep forgetting that I'm on the right track. Awakening has made me painfully aware of all the changes going on within me, and of the pain my disorder causes. I think I've been getting lost in that pain. But that's what it's all about, right? Awareness. I keep forgetting how aware I am. It becomes the norm, and then the thoughts start swirling because I know I'm not where I want to be, and I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough to get there. But I also keep forgetting that it doesn't really matter where I am, so long as I know where I am. And I pretty much do. I just need to keep moving, because this sitting still and doing nothing all day certainly isn't helping me move forward. And yet, all of a sudden, I've moved forward. o.O

I'm not too sure I really understood anything I just wrote.

Stop thinking and just get on with it, Leslie.