Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Discipline has been on my mind frequently the last few days/weeks. Not least of all because Boyfriend keeps reminding me that I have none and need to learn it. It's obvious why this is the case. My father "disciplined" me by not letting me open the window in the car when I had a headache (huh? o.O Some form of pain management...? I...I don't get it...) My mother tried to discipline me, but having my father as an example, I would just tell her to leave me alone, and she would get frustrated and angry and walk away. The result: I didn't even realize that I didn't truly know what discipline was until a few months ago. Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually become pretty good at disciplining myself, but in useless and sometimes unhealthy ways. If I desperately need to use the bathroom when I walk in the house, I won't let myself go until I've done EVERYTHING I need to do once I get home; take off shoes and coat, feed the cats, put keys/wallet/etc. away, all while my bladder is screaming at me. Why do I do this? Who knows? OCD? I know I show signs of it but I've never been diagnosed so I can't really use that as an excuse. And is that really discipline? I think it borders on self-deprivation, just like a lot of other things I do.

But anyway, how would I define "real" discipline? Doing something I know I should do even if I don't want to? I suppose that's part of it. Even when there's something I know is worth it, meditation, yoga, cleaning and whatnot, I just get caught up in the I-don't-wanna-do-it. I keep waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

I had a moment the other day when Boyfriend and I were talking about doing something (probably something health related like yoga, I don't even remember) and I said something about "when I start," and I thought to myself, "I won't do it until I start. And why haven't I started? What am I waiting for?" Why do I always feel like it's not the right time? What do I think I'll be missing if I'm doing something else? I'm usually just sitting and thinking about nothing anyway. For some reason, the thoughts in my head seem so much more important to me than anything I "should" be doing. I suppose that's because the thoughts in my head have for so long been the only things that are really real. I think the "homestretch" toward my awakening really began when I realized, oh my god, I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I realized that the thoughts aren't real, and really aren't doing me any good. (On a side note, there was a blue jay sitting in my apple tree for quite some time, and as soon as I had a little mini breakthrough just now it flew away. Hm.)

Perhaps that inner conversation is the only thing that's ever made me feel really connected, like I was communicating with myself, like I was alive. But the ironic thing is, the inner conversation is the thing that's kept me disconnected from what's actually real. It's kept me living a false life. For much of my life, the mental body had nearly complete control of the entire system. And I can't suppress it by merely willing it to be suppressed. I have to actively send energy to the other bodies in order to deflate the bloated mental body. Like releasing a bulging dam. The physical is most definitely starving for attention.

Exercise and active meditation. Two things which have been circling around me, and which for some reason, I can't seem to embrace. Well, it's well past time.

I have my first sonogram in about two hours. (squeeeeeeee!!!!! ^_^) I'm terrified that this child is going to be small and stunted because I haven't been properly caring for myself, and that affects her in a big way. But, I was also terrified that my blood work would come back riddled with sugar and cholesterol and fully preventable things that I'd now have to deal with, and all my tests were perfect (doctor's own words). So perhaps it's just a young mother's fears. God above, I hope so.

Once I see her little body within my own, this will all feel real. Perhaps that'll be just the fire under my ass that I need. Don't worry, little baby, I'm here for you. I'm here for myself, and I'm here for you.