Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Busy days

I have been so busy lately that it's hard to keep track of where I am half the time. I don't think I've ever been this busy in my life. But after a lifetime of sitting around doing nothing, it feels good to be handling all the mountains of things I need to handle. It's definitely scary. I feel like I'm not quite getting the rest I need, and I need to stock up on rest before this baby pops, which could be any day now. But life is moving faster than I realize. Tomorrow I have my final driving lesson, Wednesday is my road test (FINALLY getting my license! =D yay!) and Baby Girl is due next week. My shower was on Saturday, and I feel so much better about this baby coming now that we have a few more supplies on hand. We still don't have everything we need. We still need tons of diapers and onesies, and I'm still not entirely certain my body is in any shape to give birth. Signs of labor have been racking up, and while a few telltale signs are still holding off, I can feel my body getting ready for the big moment. Her room isn't completely ready yet and I'll have to spend the next few days doing what I can to get it there. I know it doesn't have to be perfect, but I won't have time for much of anything once she's here, so I'd like to have as much done as possible before then. Everyday I've got something written in my planner, and many more things on my mental list. It's a lot to handle. But it's a good feeling.

In the midst of all the confusion and tension and busyness, I've been strangely calm. I'm not quite sure if I'm just deluding myself that I have less to worry about than I actually do, but my stress has been sort of just a grey outline on the borders of my mind. Definitely there, but skimming the surface. I've actually been facing the things I need to do. Of course, there is much to be done, and with labor right around the corner, I have moments where I wonder if it's even possible for it all to get done in time. But then I think, if it doesn't get done, so what? I'll have my child, and she will be healthy and taken care of, and I'll be way more stressed about the small stuff than she is. And so long as she is ok, that's what matters.

The other day I was thinking, and I just realized how important it will be for me to keep calm even amidst all the chaos, and I saw that I've been managing this, and I saw that this process, of giving birth, of beginning my life, of clearing my mind and my living space and my heart of old baggage, will involve a lot of conflicting attitudes and actions. On the one hand, I don't have the choice right now to stop moving. Life is moving through me (literally) and I have to follow it. But on the other hand, in order to keep up without exhausting myself mentally, I have to relax every chance I get. And suddenly, those chances are slim. Which means that I have to relax while setting myself to other things. It's ok to breathe while my mind is running at a million miles. In fact, it's pretty necessary.

Beginning a solid meditation routine has always been a challenge for me, even though I felt as though I was missing a large part of myself without it. But I realized quite some time ago, sitting and allowing myself to do nothing is in no way fulfilling when doing nothing is all I've ever done. Depression and social anxiety kept me from living my life, and they kept me stuck in my mind, and so stopping to "do nothing" just made me feel stagnant and irritated, like a bed sore. But I realize now how fulfilling that rest is when I've been moving the whole time. I definitely need the rest.

I can also feel myself becoming more sensitive. I asked myself what energy centers I felt were activated when I was in a certain situation, or around a certain person, and I found myself seeing my boyfriend in a whole new light. It's easy to be sensitive to him because we know each other so well. But on the other hand it's easy to take him for granted because I'm so used to him and to his energy. I suppose the middle ground in just to be aware of him and aware of myself, without being distracted by my assumptions of how he feels about what I'm doing/saying. Those assumptions come from myself, even though some of them may be true. My mind latches on to the assumptions and usually blows them out of proportion.

My mother has a tendency to turn every small problem into a crisis. Her energy is frenetic and chaotic and I find myself unable to cope with her much of the time. My brain goes fuzzy and I just get angry, which leads to arguments, which leads to my boyfriend being upset with me because he can feel the negativity I spread in that state, and, as he says, I'm more aware of that energy than she is and I should know better. But I have a lot of trouble keeping my head on straight when she's off on one of her nag fests, or when she's just being completely irrational (a common occurrence) and it's very hard for me to keep my calm. God knows I'm trying my best.

This post is already quite long without a rant about my mother and I am TIRED.

Good night.