Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The future reveals itself in time

So I haven't had steady internet access for the past few days, and I won't for a while. I'm in a Starbucks right now so I'll make this quick.

I went to a free meditation class the other day and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Lately I've had this feeling that I'm just sort of drifting, like I'm not sure where I'm going. But I haven't been worrying about it. My anxiety is decreasing and it's been easier for me to speak up to people. I had an actual conversation with someone. That was a great feeling.

I had been babysitting a 5 year old for a while, and because of a retarded situation, her mother decided not to bring her over anymore. The mother loses a trusted babysitter, the kid loses a healthy environment, I lose the child and the money. So I've been trying to figure out how to combat the mother's massive ego, while making it possible for everyone to be civil and for the child to get the one-on-one that she needs, and doesn't get at home. It's a delicate situation and one that before, I wouldn't have been able to handle. But I talked it over with my mother. Rather than combating the massive ego, I need to appeal to it, while making it clear that I'm working for everyone's benefit. The girl's mother makes it difficult for anyone else to be heard, and as a result my already weak voice tends to shut down around her. I think this situation was orchestrated so that I could expand my voice, while giving a beautiful little girl the attention she needs and certainly deserves. It's going to be difficult treading around this one, but God doesn't give me any situation I can't handle =)

Kids have been on my mind lately. I see myself, in the ideal future, running a spiritual center where people can connect with others who share interests and values, without the cost and rigid structure of a class or seminar. Just sort of a community of people centered around a common set of values, while having the freedom to bring their own values to the party. In this vision I always see lots of kids running around, and it's been a subconscious requirement for me that my life's work involves, if not centers around, kids. The situation with the child has led me to the realization that I would flourish in child psychology. I'm hesitant to settle myself into that field yet, though, because my interests have always been varied, and I've got the brains to go in whatever direction I choose. Because I have so many channels open to me, it's been tough for me to settle on one. But this seems right. With a recognized degree, I can project my voice further and reach more people. And once I build a reputation as a child psychologist, I can develop the spiritual aspect of my practice. I can focus on helping people raise spiritual families, whether the child needs a psychologist or not. The individual will develop himself, but the family will propagate.

My only concern is the 10+ years I'm going to have to spend in school to do this. Simply put, I hate school. I certainly have the brain for it, there's no question of that. But the "accepted" school environment is not ideal for me. I don't learn well by sitting in a classroom listening to other people talk. I learn by observing things for myself, teaching myself, taking my own notes. But knowing that I have something to work toward will ease the journey. I don't know what or when, but I know there's something ahead, and I'm going to be a part of it.

But there are so many questions that are floating around in my brain lately. Am I sure it would be best for all involved to interfere in the child's life? What if I get 6 years into my education and realize child psychology isn't for me? Well, I tend to give up on things pretty quick when I'm not really invested in them. And I've done amazing things when I was invested.

Which means I need to start searching for schools now. The sooner I can start, the better. Whew, looks like we're going on a journey...