Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fearless child with the glowing eyes

My sense of time is all screwy. I found out for (almost) sure about my little bundle on Friday, and it already feels like it's been a week since then. I guess because so much has passed through my mind, and between the two of us, that it feels like a week's worth of worrying and rejoicing and planning has already passed. I don't quite "feel" pregnant yet. I don't feel like she's with me yet even though I know she is. Perhaps when she starts moving, later on this week (I can't wait) I'll begin to feel like there's a real little person with me. But now, I just feel expectant. I'm waiting to get big, I'm waiting to feel her move, I'm waiting for the symptoms to hit me for real, I'm waiting to see her little face in my arms. But mostly I just have this sense that I'm suspended in time. I don't like it that the happiness is tinged with a deepening worry. We're cleaning up the house and working on getting my first doctor's appointment scheduled (which involves finding a doctor and figuring out my insurance.) And boyfriend has gotten passed the debilitating worry and told practically everyone he knows, and he sits around smiling and giggling almost as much as I do, haha. =D Money is going to be an issue for a looong time, but together we can make it. =)

My mother still doesn't know, and neither does his. Mom's coming over on Wednesday so we can go to NJ to see Grandma, and we're gonna tell her before we leave, and then we'll be able to tell Grandma in person too. I'm scared as shit to tell my mom, because she's a worrier and a half and she likes to nag. But she's also the most supportive mother anyone could ask for, even if she is completely dysfunctional. Once I talk down the "oh my god what are you gonna do's" and all the over-the-top over-dramatic overreactions, she'll be happy. And she'll remember that I'm a adult, and so is Boyfriend, and we're intelligent ones at that.

I have this incredible sense of ease, even knowing how difficult this is going to be. Everything is changing. My eating habits are suddenly so much more of a concern, my fears are suddenly giving way to solutions, even the ways I sit and sleep and move are suddenly geared only toward her optimum health. I keep worrying that if I lean over too far, I'm going to crush her, lol. She's apparently the size of a lentil right now. In three weeks she'll be the size of a grape. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like then. I'll probably be afraid just to take a step. The words "precious cargo" suddenly mean the world to me.

I wonder if I'll be able to communicate with her spirit, especially as her birth comes closer. I hope so. I wonder who God will decide to bring into my life. I can't wait to meet this little person ^_^

It amazes me that there's a spirit out there who has chosen to come into our lives as our child, who trusts us enough to teach her everything she needs to know about the world and about the universe, who plans to love us enough to follow us wherever we go, and who trusts us to love her enough to follow her to hell if we have to. The spirit who chooses to be born to an awakened person, and one on the verge of awakening, must be coming to learn a great lesson. This is a house full of love, creativity, intelligence, and open-mindedness. She's coming to be a part of the life that my partner and I have created. I hope we can be good enough teachers to fulfill that need.

On the other hand, what lessons will she bring for us to learn? What sort of incredible spirit has blessed me with the chance to love her? Knowing my own limits, perhaps she'll be a strong and outgoing person who's coming to push me out of my fear. I have the feeling my boundaries are going to get blown to bits pretty soon. With two parents who desperately need to learn to push past their fears, I'm willing to bet that our child is going to be fearless =)