Saturday, October 29, 2011

oh baby

I've been stuck in fear. I've gotten to a deeper space of awareness, and the desperation isn't so heavy. And yet there is still this fear. I suppose I had just been living under so much of it, so much heavy weight, that I still haven't quite figured out how to remove it all. Finding my support system has been difficult because that's exactly where my fears lay, in trying to initiate that connection. And yet, I can't get anywhere unless I do. In a word, I've been stuck.

I was thinking of the car situation as a catalyst, as the one thing that would force me to make the changes I had to make. And yet I was still stuck in my fear and inaction. My mother offered to give us the money for the car so we could get it out and be in debt to her rather than the city, so that's what we did. Now we have to pay her back $900. Which is fine by me because she doesn't charge $15 a day for impound fees. But it also takes the pressure off of me to get up and find a job. But even under pressure, I still find myself immobile. I think perhaps it's the house itself that's keeping me stuck in these patterns. I'm surrounded by the reminders of inaction and depression and clutter. They keep me stuck. Or rather, I let them keep me stuck. I'm a creature of habit and it bites me in the ass more often than not.

So the car thing is dealt with. But there's my motivation gone.

Then I discovered that I'm pregnant. Wow. And there it is. There are no more excuses now. I'm afraid to make a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment? Well that's just too damn bad, now isn't it?

Jesus, the universe doesn't fuck around, does it?

On the plus side (the other plus side, cuz that's a pretty big one) this huge space has opened up in me. I'm sort of stuck, but I've reached a place where I am ok with where I am. Emotionally, mentally, I'm there. It's the physical and practical where I get stuck. That's always been my problem. Always a thinker, never a doer. I see myself bringing my child into this beautiful world, into a clean house where she can be safe and healthy, I see myself connecting with people and enjoying my life and no longer feeling trapped. But I look around me, and I just see clutter. I see fear and inaction. I can't bring her into this. I just can't. I won't.

I know I've said this so many times before, but this is it. There's no more room to let fear control me anymore. There are so many more important things than trying to preserve what I think is my safety. In trying to "preserve" myself, I deny my kid what she desperately needs, a mother who is willing and able to stand up for her and speak the words that need to be spoken. And what better motivator than this to get me there?

Boyfriend is of course all nervous. I've been looking for jobs, but who will hire me now? Luckily it's early enough that I can get a job and not have to say anything just yet, but I've never liked keeping secrets. My bluntness has cost me jobs before. Perhaps, in this case, tightening my tongue a little couldn't hurt.

Anyway, he's scared, but happy. He lets his fear get the best of him in a big way. I've tried to break him out of that, but ultimately it has to come from him. I think it helps that I can sense how he's feeling and I always let him know it. It hurts me that he feels trapped and scared and resentful of me, but really he has every reason to feel that way. He works so hard, just to come home and find I've done nothing with my day. That only increases my own anger at myself, which makes it even harder to make those changes. And there are no words I can offer him anymore. They've all been said and they no longer mean anything. I suppose the reason the words feel so empty now is because they sort of are. The time for words and promises is over. It's time to make good on them.

Ironically enough, I think a large part of my problem is the simple fact that I keep my laptop in the living room right in front of the TV. TV and computer is a baaad combo for me. Perhaps a change of scenery is in order.

There is an immense amount of change ahead of me, ahead of us. This is the change. This is the game changer.

I am so happy and so excited and so scared. But mostly, I'm just kind of in shock.

Holy jesus christ I'm pregnant. O_O