Mom thoughts =)

Well hello there.

I'm a mom now! Baby Girl was born June 10th, at 11:11pm, after 24 hours of labor. I never anticipated that the longest day of my life so far would go by so quickly.

My little one on the way home from the hospital, at a day and a half old:

And yesterday, at 2 and a half months:

Since I had my awakening, I've run quite often into the concept of love, for myself and for others (OOOBviously). Love for myself was always difficult for me to comprehend. Not sure why. The reflective nature of "love for the self" wasn't easy. I had trouble turning inwards. And now that I'm writing and thinking about this, I realize that it's intimately linked with my difficulty in sticking to a meditation practice. Trouble turning inward. (I just had an "aha" moment when I realized the link between meditation, love for self, and recognizing God. They can all be described as "turning inward." Something so simple can show you so much, and yet it's not so simple sometimes, is it? And yet, it is O_o You're right there, after all. Just see yourself.)

ANYWAY. My point. Since my daughter was born, "Love" has become a concept I am understanding more and more. Yes, it is absolute delight in the totality of this little creature, but it's more than that, more than "delight". It's total acceptance. And yeah, you see these two words thrown around a lot. But that's because they are TRUE. My daughter shits on my hand while I've got her diaper open, I smile at her and clean it up. She won't go to sleep at 3 in the morning and I'm near tears with exhaustion and frustration, I pick her up and can't help but love how warm she is. I'm running late for an appointment because I have to feed my daughter? You can wait, my baby needs to eat. (For context, I HATE being late, no matter what it's for. But for Baby Girl, I'll make the whole world wait and not blink an eye.)

No, I didn't bring you here to sit through a diatribe about how much I love my daughter. (But yeah.....she's pretty great.) The point is, I love my daughter the way God loves me. Completely. Without judgement.

I can't help but think of Jesus when I think of this relationship. He called himself the "Son of God." People assume he meant the literal, biological "son" of God. But, that's not the case at all. He only meant that he was one small part of the whole, created by and reflecting the whole, as a child does his parents. Didn't he also say that we are all children of God? I don't understand why people ignore this.

It's also said that we were created in God's image. Yes, of course, as ENERGY. What a vain, narrow-minded race we are to think God has two eyes and a nose, lol. The patterns of energy that make up our own bodies also make up the whole of the energy of the universe. We reflect that energy, we share it, we ARE it.

Anyway, I've come to believe, or to be honest, to realize, that love is a necessary component of life. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to live. If I didn't love my daughter, those 3AM wake up calls would go unanswered because I just wouldn't care. Of course, I would MUCH rather sleep than get up again to try to figure out why she's screaming this time. But I love her. So up I get. She would be a filthy, malnourished, terrified little girl if I didn't love her. Pretty dark and scary not to be loved, I'd say. How do you think you'd get along if your mother didn't love you? If your friends didn't love you? If God didn't love you?

On a less fanatical note, there are three things that matter most to me right now; creating things, spirituality, and my daughter. So rather than keeping the three separate, I think they need to be brought together here. They make up my one life, so why keep them separate? =P

I've slacked HARD in the last 2 and a half years trying to get my Etsy shop up and running. Now, I'm actually taking more complete steps to get myself set up there. Slowly but surely. And actually taking it seriously. I don't have anything up there yet, but there are many ideas and several works-in-progress. I figure I got time, right? lol. Life is short but there sure is a lot of it to live ;)

Empty now but a couple pairs of earrings up soon: www.thesilvercord.etsy.com

Choosing happiness over fear

The other day I realized that I'm beginning to see the good in every situation, instead of worrying about the bad. I've always tried to do that, but lately it's been effortless, and it's made me happier. My boyfriend's family has been going through a rough time. There's been a lot of pain and a complete lack of communication, and it's been hard watching him struggle through it. But when they were pulling together and trying to deal with the death of the family's patriarch, all I could think was, "There is so much strength here, among all these people who deep down really love each other. Why are they getting lost in pain?" And I realized, you have the choice to choose to see the good, no matter how overwhelming the bad may be.
When it comes right down to it, all "bad" situations come down to fear. A loved one dies, and there is an instant sadness. But there is also an instant fear, that you won't be able to cope, that you won't be able to handle all the things that suddenly need to be handled, and there is a sense that the tasks before you are insurmountable. But when everyone around you is in pain including yourself, stop and look. Everyone is around you. You are all dealing with the same loss, the same pain, the same fear. It will be months or years before the loss doesn't sting quite so much. But there is a sense of unity, of love, that strikes up almost instantly. Thrive on that unity. Choose to see the strength around you, rather than being overwhelmed by fear. A drop of water is hardly enough to survive, but an ocean can create life itself.
The same principle applies to every situation, no matter how small. I'm sitting here today, alone, in a quiet house and somewhat afraid to go for a walk. SAD strikes again. But, rather than sitting on the couch and decomposing like I would have done a scant year ago, I've chosen to see the productivity that can be created by my situation. I have a house that desperately needs to be cleaned, and a whole world's worth of time to do it in. Rather than choosing the ease and comfort of laziness, I plan to choose the momentary discomfort of doing something about it. The payoff is enormous. And when I'm finished, I realize that the discomfort wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I imagined it'd be. Recognize the exaggerations your mind plays out. Will it really be that hard to get up and do the dishes? And how great will it feel when it's done? Choose to see the advantage, not the struggle.
Every situation has two sides, positive and negative. Sometimes one is vastly outweighed by the other, but they are both still there. You can't ignore the negative, and you can't only have the positive. But you can choose which one influences you. Take the lessons the situation has to offer, and move on. Choose happiness, love, productivity, positivity. Accept the negative, but recognize your ability to choose what stays with you.

Intros

Hey hey. Welcome to my blog =)
My name is Leslie. I'm 24 years old and I have social anxiety disorder. It's made my life extremely difficult, but it's also made me strong, because I chose strength. This blog will document my spiritual journey, along with whatever thoughts I may have on the matter. It is my sincere hope that you, my readers, will be able to gain something from my words, be it insight, truth, humor, whatever. Take what strikes you, leave the rest.
A little about me. I'm a writer and crafter. I crochet, I make jewelry, and I spend a lot of time thinking. In my case, the mental has tried to take over the entire system, but I'm working on trying to change that. I'm trying to make myself more active, more proactive, more assertive. My voice flourishes through my writing, and that's why I chose this medium to connect with people and to expand my energy and my influence, and to open myself to others' influence, positive, of course =)
The people I am trying to reach are not much different than the average person walking down the street. Anyone who is interested in developing himself spiritually, anyone looking for truth, anyone just looking for an understanding ear, I welcome you. I have only just begun this journey myself, and anyone who is looking to teach as well as learn, I welcome you. I share with you my awakening experience, and I hope to hear yours as well.
I've spent a large part of my life cutting myself off, in the dark, and miserable. I'm working to change that. I'm on this path fully now, and I'd love some company. I still have sand on my feet from the very first step, but I'm gaining momentum and finding my direction. Come along with me and we can swap stories =)