When I ask God/the universe/Spirit for help, I get it. When I tell God that I need help, but that I can't handle any more pain (this has been quite a painful journey for me), and beg God to please take it easy on me, the help I get is gentler, and just as effective. When I allow God to guide me in the direction I know I need to go, walking that path is so much easier and less fearful and less painful than resisting the fear, than trying to take the "easy" way out.
This isn't speculation. I can point to specific examples, just in the last few months, weeks even, of asking God for help and receiving it, and in no great length of time. A matter of a day or less, and I'm thrown into a situation that forces me to do what I know I need to do. God responds when called, if you let it. Truly let it.
Severe social anxiety and depression have caused me to stagnate in my life. Action has been a major hurdle for me. Action in making decisions for myself, action in trying to push myself past my fears, action in doing those things, practical, necessary, desired, that I know I ought to do, but am too afraid to do. Action in getting off the couch when my joints and my back are aching and my brain is screaming for release/companionship/stimulation. Action, the smallest and the biggest, has been a challenge.
And yet now, I look back at my multitude of examples, and I see that God responds when called, from deep within you.
God, help me to act.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Just let it flow
I've felt a lot of pain and anger over the last several weeks and months. I've tried to feel and accept it all with love, but I just end up sitting here, wondering why I'm still in pain and wondering why I can't move past my anger, past all this confusion and fear, why I still can't fully feel what is real within myself. But my doctor helped me realize, not only do I over-analyze and over-rationalize (which I already knew, but it's nice to talk about), but by just trying to feel love for myself, and nothing else, I block everything else I feel. Which makes me think, isn't it a good thing to feel love for myself? Yes, of course. But by trying to immediately replace the "bad" thoughts with the "good," I invalidate the bad.
I had been thinking that if I allowed myself to fully feel my anger and my fear and my confusion, it would block the love that I knew was underneath all that. But that's wrong. By allowing myself to fully feel it, I can finally acknowledge it and release it. I keep trying to balance out and fine-tune all the thoughts in my head, all the emotions in my heart. But it's really hard to keep track of things when there's so much confusion, and when I'm really not allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. It just becomes a frustrating ride of ups and downs that really doesn't get me anywhere. It's the "keeping track of things" that gets me stuck. I get so caught up in my own head, in trying to think about and categorize what I'm feeling, I never allow myself to actually feel it. Even now, my mind is trying to grab hold of the feeling of feeling, to remember it and store it away for the next time I need to feel. But it's only by letting myself feel without restriction that I truly learn how. Knowledge is gained through experience. I've been trying to mentally capture the feeling of jumping off a cliff before I've even taken the first jump.
I just can't do this anymore. It's too much for my tiny brain to handle. There is so much else inside of me that needs to be felt, and my small capacity for thought can't handle the large amount of emotion that's bursting to be seen and felt and heard. I have not been real. I have not been living. I've been trying to love, and trying to live, and trying to feel, but I haven't actually done these things. Do I still have fear? Yeah, maybe. Probably. But I'm also getting fed up with the mental chatter and the excuses. It makes me frustrated and almost disgusted with myself, or at least, with the process my brain has been trying to set up to help me "manage."
I keep feeling like if I don't get the experience down in words, I'll lose it. Part of this comes, I'm sure, from the fact that I don't really have anyone to share these experiences with, so in a way they really do get lost. But, I gotta start somewhere. I gotta stop trying to make things sound all pretty, and just say the words that I have in my mouth. Cuz I usually swallow them, and then they just make my stomach hurt. If that makes any damn sense at all.
The semester is drawing to a close and my baby is due in less than two months. I've been taking driving lessons and my road test is all set (on my due date, which is another issue, but it's happening, which is the important part).
I've been stifled by fear. Lol. It's so funny to me, now, to think I haven't let myself move on with my life. Why? I don't know. I just don't know.
Energy just wants to flow, isn't that right?
I had been thinking that if I allowed myself to fully feel my anger and my fear and my confusion, it would block the love that I knew was underneath all that. But that's wrong. By allowing myself to fully feel it, I can finally acknowledge it and release it. I keep trying to balance out and fine-tune all the thoughts in my head, all the emotions in my heart. But it's really hard to keep track of things when there's so much confusion, and when I'm really not allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. It just becomes a frustrating ride of ups and downs that really doesn't get me anywhere. It's the "keeping track of things" that gets me stuck. I get so caught up in my own head, in trying to think about and categorize what I'm feeling, I never allow myself to actually feel it. Even now, my mind is trying to grab hold of the feeling of feeling, to remember it and store it away for the next time I need to feel. But it's only by letting myself feel without restriction that I truly learn how. Knowledge is gained through experience. I've been trying to mentally capture the feeling of jumping off a cliff before I've even taken the first jump.
I just can't do this anymore. It's too much for my tiny brain to handle. There is so much else inside of me that needs to be felt, and my small capacity for thought can't handle the large amount of emotion that's bursting to be seen and felt and heard. I have not been real. I have not been living. I've been trying to love, and trying to live, and trying to feel, but I haven't actually done these things. Do I still have fear? Yeah, maybe. Probably. But I'm also getting fed up with the mental chatter and the excuses. It makes me frustrated and almost disgusted with myself, or at least, with the process my brain has been trying to set up to help me "manage."
I keep feeling like if I don't get the experience down in words, I'll lose it. Part of this comes, I'm sure, from the fact that I don't really have anyone to share these experiences with, so in a way they really do get lost. But, I gotta start somewhere. I gotta stop trying to make things sound all pretty, and just say the words that I have in my mouth. Cuz I usually swallow them, and then they just make my stomach hurt. If that makes any damn sense at all.
The semester is drawing to a close and my baby is due in less than two months. I've been taking driving lessons and my road test is all set (on my due date, which is another issue, but it's happening, which is the important part).
I've been stifled by fear. Lol. It's so funny to me, now, to think I haven't let myself move on with my life. Why? I don't know. I just don't know.
Energy just wants to flow, isn't that right?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Moving through the shifts
There has been so much running through me lately, it's impossible to put it all down in words, and I am not even going to try. The changes that have occurred in me the last few weeks and months have been drastic and hard-won. Expressing it on a computer screen is nearly impossible.
The baby is getting bigger and stronger, and the due date is looming nearer. Excited as I am, the thought of raising a child in the midst of such drastic change and instability is terrifying, as is the prospect of having to shove a small human forcibly from my body. The closer I get to the due date, the more scared I get. But I'm also preparing myself, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to understand now the state of mind needed to do this. Completely singular, completely focused, a state of total dedication to the task while remaining totally accepting of the very real possibility that it may not (and probably will not) go as I hope or imagine, and having to be ok with that. And writing that, I realize that that's the state of mind I need to accomplish just about any goal I have. I've spent my life scattered, distracted, wanting things to go a certain way and only being discouraged when they don't. Often, not even giving things the chance to go wrong, but just giving up before I've started, purely out of the expectation of failure. But what am I gonna do when I go into labor? Say oh no, this isn't gonna go the way I want, I'll just keep my kid in here, thanks. This kid's gotta come out, one way or another. And I'm going to have to let her.
She isn't even in the world yet (well, not where I can see her, anyway), and already she's teaching me and forcing me to change. I've come to a place where my old fears, though still very present, are now more of a bothersome nuisance rather than a debilitating weight. Those fears are still very real, but it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have much choice. A new life doesn't come into the world by chance, and this child, beside the great purpose I know she will have in her own life, is already forcing me to go in directions I had previously been too afraid to contemplate.
Although it's really too much to put into words, I can say that I have begun to step into a space where allowing the change is becoming easier. I've released so much over the last few months, and while there is still so much more to go, I am beginning to understand how to release myself into the flow of it all. Holding onto my fears is rapidly becoming no longer worth the effort and the pain, and taking those next terrifying steps has becoming something I can no longer turn away from. It just feels so much better and so much less painful to just move through the fears, than to hide behind something I know does me no good, and causes a whole lot of stress.
It's actually kind of funny, looking back over the record of my prenatal visits. The times when Boyfriend and I have experienced the most stress have been the times when my blood pressure was highest. Our relationship moved through some immense and tremendously difficult shifts, and a whole lot of tears and two anxiety attacks later, I am finally learning to just allow the changes I so desperately fought against. We both know our relationship will never "end," especially now with our child between us, and while we are still technically together, I feel as though we've taken a step back from each other, and have just been working on our friendship. We made the conscious decision to take that step back, and once we stopped fighting it and just allowed it, incredibly painful as that was, the tension just dissipated. We still have to stay aware of the bad patterns we know we both fall into, and try to steer clear of them, but we (I, especially) are learning to operate on the levels we know are best for us, separately and together.
We are still sort of feeling out our relationship and taking it day by day. But it's easier now. I'm less dependent on him now for every little emotional need. I'm learning to function on my own and take care of the things I need to take care of. I needed to step back from him in order to do that. I still do need company in my life. I still do need the support system I've never had in my life. But throughout our whole relationship I've tried to make him my sole means of support. I've taken more from him than it was fair to take. Now, I'm learning to find my support within myself, so that I can go in the directions I need to go in, rather than waiting for him to take me there, which is harmful for both of us. In short, I've spent a long time dragging him down to where I was, wallowing in my own depression, and now I'm learning to let go and hold myself up.
We both have a tremendous amount of pain in our lives. Up until now I've relied on him to help me through it, and he has helped me, as unhealthy as it was sometimes. I am so grateful for all that he has given me. God brought us together so that we could heal each other, and now that I'm learning to stand on my own, perhaps it will be my turn to take his hand and help him up. I know he has an awakening in his future, and I will be here for him when it happens. And now, with so much more confidence in my ability to allow this energy to move through me, I feel like I really can be here for him.
And reading back through this, even after all these words I didn't think I had, I only have one thought: "but how do I feel right now?" That's really all that matters.
The baby is getting bigger and stronger, and the due date is looming nearer. Excited as I am, the thought of raising a child in the midst of such drastic change and instability is terrifying, as is the prospect of having to shove a small human forcibly from my body. The closer I get to the due date, the more scared I get. But I'm also preparing myself, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to understand now the state of mind needed to do this. Completely singular, completely focused, a state of total dedication to the task while remaining totally accepting of the very real possibility that it may not (and probably will not) go as I hope or imagine, and having to be ok with that. And writing that, I realize that that's the state of mind I need to accomplish just about any goal I have. I've spent my life scattered, distracted, wanting things to go a certain way and only being discouraged when they don't. Often, not even giving things the chance to go wrong, but just giving up before I've started, purely out of the expectation of failure. But what am I gonna do when I go into labor? Say oh no, this isn't gonna go the way I want, I'll just keep my kid in here, thanks. This kid's gotta come out, one way or another. And I'm going to have to let her.
She isn't even in the world yet (well, not where I can see her, anyway), and already she's teaching me and forcing me to change. I've come to a place where my old fears, though still very present, are now more of a bothersome nuisance rather than a debilitating weight. Those fears are still very real, but it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have much choice. A new life doesn't come into the world by chance, and this child, beside the great purpose I know she will have in her own life, is already forcing me to go in directions I had previously been too afraid to contemplate.
Although it's really too much to put into words, I can say that I have begun to step into a space where allowing the change is becoming easier. I've released so much over the last few months, and while there is still so much more to go, I am beginning to understand how to release myself into the flow of it all. Holding onto my fears is rapidly becoming no longer worth the effort and the pain, and taking those next terrifying steps has becoming something I can no longer turn away from. It just feels so much better and so much less painful to just move through the fears, than to hide behind something I know does me no good, and causes a whole lot of stress.
It's actually kind of funny, looking back over the record of my prenatal visits. The times when Boyfriend and I have experienced the most stress have been the times when my blood pressure was highest. Our relationship moved through some immense and tremendously difficult shifts, and a whole lot of tears and two anxiety attacks later, I am finally learning to just allow the changes I so desperately fought against. We both know our relationship will never "end," especially now with our child between us, and while we are still technically together, I feel as though we've taken a step back from each other, and have just been working on our friendship. We made the conscious decision to take that step back, and once we stopped fighting it and just allowed it, incredibly painful as that was, the tension just dissipated. We still have to stay aware of the bad patterns we know we both fall into, and try to steer clear of them, but we (I, especially) are learning to operate on the levels we know are best for us, separately and together.
We are still sort of feeling out our relationship and taking it day by day. But it's easier now. I'm less dependent on him now for every little emotional need. I'm learning to function on my own and take care of the things I need to take care of. I needed to step back from him in order to do that. I still do need company in my life. I still do need the support system I've never had in my life. But throughout our whole relationship I've tried to make him my sole means of support. I've taken more from him than it was fair to take. Now, I'm learning to find my support within myself, so that I can go in the directions I need to go in, rather than waiting for him to take me there, which is harmful for both of us. In short, I've spent a long time dragging him down to where I was, wallowing in my own depression, and now I'm learning to let go and hold myself up.
We both have a tremendous amount of pain in our lives. Up until now I've relied on him to help me through it, and he has helped me, as unhealthy as it was sometimes. I am so grateful for all that he has given me. God brought us together so that we could heal each other, and now that I'm learning to stand on my own, perhaps it will be my turn to take his hand and help him up. I know he has an awakening in his future, and I will be here for him when it happens. And now, with so much more confidence in my ability to allow this energy to move through me, I feel like I really can be here for him.
And reading back through this, even after all these words I didn't think I had, I only have one thought: "but how do I feel right now?" That's really all that matters.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Just a quick note to say I'm still alive. I don't have internet access at home at the moment, so I've been lugging my laptop to Starbucks whenever I can.
School is hectic, baby is growing and her heartbeat is strong, Boyfriend and I have been through hell and back and are still seeing things through one day at a time. Still starving, but always, always keeping my eye on the light.
I've come to a place now where I can open myself willingly. Acceptance is hard when there is so much to rage against. Even though there is still stress at every turn and the chances of eating every day are slim, we are still making every effort to look forward. All I can think is that we must be strong for the universe to have put us through this. And we will come out of it so much stronger.
<3
School is hectic, baby is growing and her heartbeat is strong, Boyfriend and I have been through hell and back and are still seeing things through one day at a time. Still starving, but always, always keeping my eye on the light.
I've come to a place now where I can open myself willingly. Acceptance is hard when there is so much to rage against. Even though there is still stress at every turn and the chances of eating every day are slim, we are still making every effort to look forward. All I can think is that we must be strong for the universe to have put us through this. And we will come out of it so much stronger.
<3
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Answers and questions
We have a daughter!
We've both known for a long time now that it's a girl. Now we've seen the evidence. I spent quite a few days worrying because I was achy and I wasn't feeling her move, but she's growing fast which caused the achiness, and it's too early to feel her move consistently. So, I guess a mother's heart will always worry ^_^
I wonder if I'll be able to speak with her, hear her voice. When does a person's spirit join their body?
We've both known for a long time now that it's a girl. Now we've seen the evidence. I spent quite a few days worrying because I was achy and I wasn't feeling her move, but she's growing fast which caused the achiness, and it's too early to feel her move consistently. So, I guess a mother's heart will always worry ^_^
I wonder if I'll be able to speak with her, hear her voice. When does a person's spirit join their body?
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
just Life
I'm not going to try to structure this; I just wanted to write something.
Big things are happening. I start school at the end of the week, and I have a sonogram tomorrow morning. In a little over twelve hours we will know whether we have a son or a daughter. Yay! ^_^
I've been through so many ups and downs over the last couple of weeks, I'm not even trying to figure it out anymore. I just feel how I feel and that's as much as I need to know. Our relationship has gone through so many changes, and now it just sort of feels like we're floating and just being with each other as we need to be. He's gone through a lot of healing and cleansing as well, and I finally feel as though I'm welcome again. How incredible to feel that way after so long feeling cut off from each other.
I'm learning how to live independently and it feels good to be able to make a move without approval or hand-holding from someone else. I took a huge step and called a couple of psychologists, and now I meet with a very nice guy every Saturday, and I'm not sure how much of the "spiritual stuff" he really believes, but he seems open to hearing it at least. And I have a lot of trouble keeping it to myself because it's just sort of out there. It's me. It hurts to hide it. It also hurts lately to say things I don't really believe are true, or to not say things I really think I need to say.
The downs still scare me. I'm still learning to differentiate between the simple low of life, and a bout of depression, which has been such an integral part of my life for so long that I'm only just now learning to recognize it. I suppose both are just lows of life. Whatever happens happens, I guess.
We are still broke as shit and still scared for our future and for our child. But we're trying to stay positive. And I think it's working.
Anyway, there's more I could say. But I just need to be right now.
Big things are happening. I start school at the end of the week, and I have a sonogram tomorrow morning. In a little over twelve hours we will know whether we have a son or a daughter. Yay! ^_^
I've been through so many ups and downs over the last couple of weeks, I'm not even trying to figure it out anymore. I just feel how I feel and that's as much as I need to know. Our relationship has gone through so many changes, and now it just sort of feels like we're floating and just being with each other as we need to be. He's gone through a lot of healing and cleansing as well, and I finally feel as though I'm welcome again. How incredible to feel that way after so long feeling cut off from each other.
I'm learning how to live independently and it feels good to be able to make a move without approval or hand-holding from someone else. I took a huge step and called a couple of psychologists, and now I meet with a very nice guy every Saturday, and I'm not sure how much of the "spiritual stuff" he really believes, but he seems open to hearing it at least. And I have a lot of trouble keeping it to myself because it's just sort of out there. It's me. It hurts to hide it. It also hurts lately to say things I don't really believe are true, or to not say things I really think I need to say.
The downs still scare me. I'm still learning to differentiate between the simple low of life, and a bout of depression, which has been such an integral part of my life for so long that I'm only just now learning to recognize it. I suppose both are just lows of life. Whatever happens happens, I guess.
We are still broke as shit and still scared for our future and for our child. But we're trying to stay positive. And I think it's working.
Anyway, there's more I could say. But I just need to be right now.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Baby steps
There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and in my life, I'm not even going to try to detail it all. The practical basics:
I am starting school in a few weeks, and registering for classes in just a few days. I can't wait.
The baby is active and growing. I have the first sonogram picture in a frame in my house right now. My baby (who, at 12 weeks, looked like a "little bean alien" according to Boyfriend) is beautiful. Next sonogram in 2.5 weeks.
I have my first appointment with a psychologist in a few days. He wasn't the one I wanted to meet with, but he is the one who called me back, and I am staying open.
My relationship with my boyfriend was suffering for a while, and for longer than either of us had fully realized. The mood suddenly changed a few days ago when we both became acutely aware of the bad energy being bounced back and forth between us, and all of a sudden we were on the verge of some major decisions. They would either be very painful, or only slightly painful, but either way, they had to be made. After a lot of tears and many words, we are on a healthy path. The relationship very nearly came to an end, at least for a time, (we both knew we would always been in each others' lives) and it was difficult for me to accept that. But I knew I had to. Time apart was something we both needed. We were both feeling trapped by the circumstances and by each other. I made it clear to him I didn't want him to leave, but I knew I couldn't stop him if he decided to. I just wanted him to do what was best for himself. Because ultimately, it would be best for both of us.
It look me a long time to admit to myself, and even longer to admit to him, but I knew I needed time to myself as well. I realized fully that I've never known how to be independent, and taking care of myself was a lesson I needed (and still need) to learn. My dependence on him and on our relationship was choking both of us, and there were patterns I desperately needed to break out of. I spent a day by myself just thinking and getting things done that needed to be done, and it felt good. Throughout our talks and through the time I spent on my own, I just let the energy flow through me. I had reached a new level of openness and acceptance in the days before the turn of events, and I now know that it was in preparation for this great challenge. There was a lot I needed to accept, and I managed with minimal pain. In fact, painful as it was, I feel good. There is still so much uncertainty, but now I feel so much clearer and so much freer.
So now we are taking it slow and working on a fresh start. Neither of us know how to go about rebuilding our relationship while "taking it slow," but we are taking it day by day and doing what feels right. I have to put much of my energy now into staying clear of those old patterns, which is going to be difficult because I'm discovering those patterns as they arise. But that's where presence comes in. I'm making a conscious effort to stay aware of what's going on within myself. Which is really all I can do.
I asked him what I could do to save us, and he told me that he just wanted me to focus on myself. (There is no denying with either of us that so many of our problems started with me. Just a fact.) I find it funny that all the things I need to do to save our relationship, like calling the psychologist and making the effort to get the help I need, like meditating and exercising to make sure I stay healthy and aware and steer clear of old patterns, like learning how to be independent and learning how to function in my life and in my own house, are exactly the things I need to do for my own self.
I thought my car getting towed would be the motivation I needed. But that was a money issue and money has never been a strong motivator for me. I thought for sure having a baby would the motivation I needed. But still, it was a money issue, because just loving my child would never be a problem. But still no. I was still trapped. Then God threatened to do the one thing that would motivate me to make the changes I needed to make, and that was taking him away from me. I was willing and able to accept that if he decided to leave, I had to let him, and that I could actually be happy (eventually) if he did. And I really think that this was crucial in my being able to understand what I needed to do for myself. I see now that those other challenges weren't failed tests as I thought they were, they were preparation. They were steps on the ladder. Each challenge brought me closer and closer to a state of mind in which I would be able to see clearly, and make those changes. This one came when God knew I was ready for it. And I am.
Phew.
I am starting school in a few weeks, and registering for classes in just a few days. I can't wait.
The baby is active and growing. I have the first sonogram picture in a frame in my house right now. My baby (who, at 12 weeks, looked like a "little bean alien" according to Boyfriend) is beautiful. Next sonogram in 2.5 weeks.
I have my first appointment with a psychologist in a few days. He wasn't the one I wanted to meet with, but he is the one who called me back, and I am staying open.
My relationship with my boyfriend was suffering for a while, and for longer than either of us had fully realized. The mood suddenly changed a few days ago when we both became acutely aware of the bad energy being bounced back and forth between us, and all of a sudden we were on the verge of some major decisions. They would either be very painful, or only slightly painful, but either way, they had to be made. After a lot of tears and many words, we are on a healthy path. The relationship very nearly came to an end, at least for a time, (we both knew we would always been in each others' lives) and it was difficult for me to accept that. But I knew I had to. Time apart was something we both needed. We were both feeling trapped by the circumstances and by each other. I made it clear to him I didn't want him to leave, but I knew I couldn't stop him if he decided to. I just wanted him to do what was best for himself. Because ultimately, it would be best for both of us.
It look me a long time to admit to myself, and even longer to admit to him, but I knew I needed time to myself as well. I realized fully that I've never known how to be independent, and taking care of myself was a lesson I needed (and still need) to learn. My dependence on him and on our relationship was choking both of us, and there were patterns I desperately needed to break out of. I spent a day by myself just thinking and getting things done that needed to be done, and it felt good. Throughout our talks and through the time I spent on my own, I just let the energy flow through me. I had reached a new level of openness and acceptance in the days before the turn of events, and I now know that it was in preparation for this great challenge. There was a lot I needed to accept, and I managed with minimal pain. In fact, painful as it was, I feel good. There is still so much uncertainty, but now I feel so much clearer and so much freer.
So now we are taking it slow and working on a fresh start. Neither of us know how to go about rebuilding our relationship while "taking it slow," but we are taking it day by day and doing what feels right. I have to put much of my energy now into staying clear of those old patterns, which is going to be difficult because I'm discovering those patterns as they arise. But that's where presence comes in. I'm making a conscious effort to stay aware of what's going on within myself. Which is really all I can do.
I asked him what I could do to save us, and he told me that he just wanted me to focus on myself. (There is no denying with either of us that so many of our problems started with me. Just a fact.) I find it funny that all the things I need to do to save our relationship, like calling the psychologist and making the effort to get the help I need, like meditating and exercising to make sure I stay healthy and aware and steer clear of old patterns, like learning how to be independent and learning how to function in my life and in my own house, are exactly the things I need to do for my own self.
I thought my car getting towed would be the motivation I needed. But that was a money issue and money has never been a strong motivator for me. I thought for sure having a baby would the motivation I needed. But still, it was a money issue, because just loving my child would never be a problem. But still no. I was still trapped. Then God threatened to do the one thing that would motivate me to make the changes I needed to make, and that was taking him away from me. I was willing and able to accept that if he decided to leave, I had to let him, and that I could actually be happy (eventually) if he did. And I really think that this was crucial in my being able to understand what I needed to do for myself. I see now that those other challenges weren't failed tests as I thought they were, they were preparation. They were steps on the ladder. Each challenge brought me closer and closer to a state of mind in which I would be able to see clearly, and make those changes. This one came when God knew I was ready for it. And I am.
Phew.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Discipline
Discipline has been on my mind frequently the last few days/weeks. Not least of all because Boyfriend keeps reminding me that I have none and need to learn it. It's obvious why this is the case. My father "disciplined" me by not letting me open the window in the car when I had a headache (huh? o.O Some form of pain management...? I...I don't get it...) My mother tried to discipline me, but having my father as an example, I would just tell her to leave me alone, and she would get frustrated and angry and walk away. The result: I didn't even realize that I didn't truly know what discipline was until a few months ago. Well, that's not entirely true. I've actually become pretty good at disciplining myself, but in useless and sometimes unhealthy ways. If I desperately need to use the bathroom when I walk in the house, I won't let myself go until I've done EVERYTHING I need to do once I get home; take off shoes and coat, feed the cats, put keys/wallet/etc. away, all while my bladder is screaming at me. Why do I do this? Who knows? OCD? I know I show signs of it but I've never been diagnosed so I can't really use that as an excuse. And is that really discipline? I think it borders on self-deprivation, just like a lot of other things I do.
But anyway, how would I define "real" discipline? Doing something I know I should do even if I don't want to? I suppose that's part of it. Even when there's something I know is worth it, meditation, yoga, cleaning and whatnot, I just get caught up in the I-don't-wanna-do-it. I keep waiting for something. What am I waiting for?
I had a moment the other day when Boyfriend and I were talking about doing something (probably something health related like yoga, I don't even remember) and I said something about "when I start," and I thought to myself, "I won't do it until I start. And why haven't I started? What am I waiting for?" Why do I always feel like it's not the right time? What do I think I'll be missing if I'm doing something else? I'm usually just sitting and thinking about nothing anyway. For some reason, the thoughts in my head seem so much more important to me than anything I "should" be doing. I suppose that's because the thoughts in my head have for so long been the only things that are really real. I think the "homestretch" toward my awakening really began when I realized, oh my god, I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I realized that the thoughts aren't real, and really aren't doing me any good. (On a side note, there was a blue jay sitting in my apple tree for quite some time, and as soon as I had a little mini breakthrough just now it flew away. Hm.)
Perhaps that inner conversation is the only thing that's ever made me feel really connected, like I was communicating with myself, like I was alive. But the ironic thing is, the inner conversation is the thing that's kept me disconnected from what's actually real. It's kept me living a false life. For much of my life, the mental body had nearly complete control of the entire system. And I can't suppress it by merely willing it to be suppressed. I have to actively send energy to the other bodies in order to deflate the bloated mental body. Like releasing a bulging dam. The physical is most definitely starving for attention.
Exercise and active meditation. Two things which have been circling around me, and which for some reason, I can't seem to embrace. Well, it's well past time.
I have my first sonogram in about two hours. (squeeeeeeee!!!!! ^_^) I'm terrified that this child is going to be small and stunted because I haven't been properly caring for myself, and that affects her in a big way. But, I was also terrified that my blood work would come back riddled with sugar and cholesterol and fully preventable things that I'd now have to deal with, and all my tests were perfect (doctor's own words). So perhaps it's just a young mother's fears. God above, I hope so.
Once I see her little body within my own, this will all feel real. Perhaps that'll be just the fire under my ass that I need. Don't worry, little baby, I'm here for you. I'm here for myself, and I'm here for you.
<3
But anyway, how would I define "real" discipline? Doing something I know I should do even if I don't want to? I suppose that's part of it. Even when there's something I know is worth it, meditation, yoga, cleaning and whatnot, I just get caught up in the I-don't-wanna-do-it. I keep waiting for something. What am I waiting for?
I had a moment the other day when Boyfriend and I were talking about doing something (probably something health related like yoga, I don't even remember) and I said something about "when I start," and I thought to myself, "I won't do it until I start. And why haven't I started? What am I waiting for?" Why do I always feel like it's not the right time? What do I think I'll be missing if I'm doing something else? I'm usually just sitting and thinking about nothing anyway. For some reason, the thoughts in my head seem so much more important to me than anything I "should" be doing. I suppose that's because the thoughts in my head have for so long been the only things that are really real. I think the "homestretch" toward my awakening really began when I realized, oh my god, I've been living in a fantasy my whole life. I realized that the thoughts aren't real, and really aren't doing me any good. (On a side note, there was a blue jay sitting in my apple tree for quite some time, and as soon as I had a little mini breakthrough just now it flew away. Hm.)
Perhaps that inner conversation is the only thing that's ever made me feel really connected, like I was communicating with myself, like I was alive. But the ironic thing is, the inner conversation is the thing that's kept me disconnected from what's actually real. It's kept me living a false life. For much of my life, the mental body had nearly complete control of the entire system. And I can't suppress it by merely willing it to be suppressed. I have to actively send energy to the other bodies in order to deflate the bloated mental body. Like releasing a bulging dam. The physical is most definitely starving for attention.
Exercise and active meditation. Two things which have been circling around me, and which for some reason, I can't seem to embrace. Well, it's well past time.
I have my first sonogram in about two hours. (squeeeeeeee!!!!! ^_^) I'm terrified that this child is going to be small and stunted because I haven't been properly caring for myself, and that affects her in a big way. But, I was also terrified that my blood work would come back riddled with sugar and cholesterol and fully preventable things that I'd now have to deal with, and all my tests were perfect (doctor's own words). So perhaps it's just a young mother's fears. God above, I hope so.
Once I see her little body within my own, this will all feel real. Perhaps that'll be just the fire under my ass that I need. Don't worry, little baby, I'm here for you. I'm here for myself, and I'm here for you.
<3
Friday, December 9, 2011
There is something happening. I can feel it. I've left the house every day this week, and I've been active and have spoken to people easily, both casually and to get things done. I went to a meditation class on Monday where I met someone who was nice and asked me if I was going back this evening, which I will be doing. That night Boyfriend and I hung out with a really awesome person who is now a friend (something I DESPERATELY need.) I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday (all my blood work came back perfect, THANK GOD) and my first sonogram appointment is on Monday (trying to reschedule though because Boyfriend works on Monday. He's gotta be there, right?) I had a dream last night that I walked past a neighbor of mine, and we actually got to talking. And I wasn't freaking out. And today, an old friend found me on facebook, and even though there's much that needs to be worked through with her, I haven't forgotten her and now I know she hasn't forgotten me.
Even though I'm still jobless and broke, and even though I've been slacking and the house is a mess, I've been feeling good lately. I've started on a new writing project that I've got no concrete goals for (and so am not stressed about), and I've been actively looking for jobs while trying not to be too picky. I'm still stressed, but all of a sudden it was like something shifted. I've been reminding myself not to cling to the highs, and not to get desperate in the lows. They all come and go. That's just the way of life.
I do still feel stuck. But it's a different stuck. It's no longer hopeless. Now I feel like I can wiggle my toes a bit, and turn my head and look around. I don't know if it's just the sunshine after days of rain and darkness, but I feel the light starting to shine through. I do have a tendency to let my mood be affected by the weather. I suppose that's not really a bad thing. I just have to remind myself to stay active in a different way when it's dark and cloudy outside. Stay home and clean something, meditate, do some yoga. Sunny days are the days for getting out and walking around. I've always been super plugged into the weather like that. Might as well just go with it.
Lately it's been all about discipline. Boyfriend and I have both really been feeling the effects of our diets, which for waaay too long now have consisted of shit upon shit, simply because we're too poor to eat properly. (No, seriously. I've got tater tots and veggies in the freezer and not much else, and our last grocery trip had a $30 budget, which doesn't go far in this city. But we both do eat healthy when we can.) And now with a baby on the way, our health has become top priority, especially for me. But I had no real discipline growing up, and saying no to myself has been a constant struggle (along with making myself get up from the couch). As far as my eating habits go, I'm miles from where I used to be. But with hardly anything in the fridge and nothing in my bank account, it's been tough to stay on track. Cheap and plentiful has taken precedence over healthy and pricy. And for a while, it's probably going to stay that way. But we watched a documentary a few days ago about the benefits of a whole foods diet, and he's been all over it. We can't really afford it, but even after finding an extra 2 bucks in my winter coat, I was able to walk right past a hot dog stand yesterday without stopping (oh my god hot dogs *drool*). That's where the discipline comes in. Every time I choose something to eat, I just have to ask myself, would I feed this to my child? Because that's where it ends up.
Anyway, the point of all this is that it's been hard to keep myself on track, but I'm learning. I've slacked on my meditation and yoga routine, but I've really been feeling the effect that ignoring these things has had on me. Maintenance has been a big issue for me. Just as I have to sweep the floor every day, I have to meditate every day, just to keep the piles of dust and cat fur cleared out (and oh god, the cat fur is EVERYWHERE, little monsters...<3). These things are worth it in every way possible, and even more than I realize when I'm not doing them. I just have to keep my mindset on the other side of the effort, and realize that the effort isn't nearly as bad as the result of non-effort. All I have to do is stand up. It's the hardest part, and then everything else is easy. That's what Boyfriend always tells me. And it's one of the only things that has kept me going. All I have to do is stand up.
On a side note, I just want to express how amazing my boyfriend is, how incredibly perfect he is for me despite our lack of common interests, and how unbelievable our relationship is. And not "oooh my god, I love my boyfriend, he's so great." He is truly the most wonderful thing in my life. I've put him through so much and he still thanks me every day for being with him. He actually thanked me last night just for being myself. We speak openly and honestly to each other, about everything and anything. We respect each other easily and without pretense. We have no ulterior motives. Our child will grow up with the type of parents, in the type of household, with the type of love, that neither of us had, and we both desperately needed. God truly knew what he was doing when he put the two of us together, and that makes me truly, profoundly grateful.
I love you, babe. <3 You've kept me strong.
Even though I'm still jobless and broke, and even though I've been slacking and the house is a mess, I've been feeling good lately. I've started on a new writing project that I've got no concrete goals for (and so am not stressed about), and I've been actively looking for jobs while trying not to be too picky. I'm still stressed, but all of a sudden it was like something shifted. I've been reminding myself not to cling to the highs, and not to get desperate in the lows. They all come and go. That's just the way of life.
I do still feel stuck. But it's a different stuck. It's no longer hopeless. Now I feel like I can wiggle my toes a bit, and turn my head and look around. I don't know if it's just the sunshine after days of rain and darkness, but I feel the light starting to shine through. I do have a tendency to let my mood be affected by the weather. I suppose that's not really a bad thing. I just have to remind myself to stay active in a different way when it's dark and cloudy outside. Stay home and clean something, meditate, do some yoga. Sunny days are the days for getting out and walking around. I've always been super plugged into the weather like that. Might as well just go with it.
Lately it's been all about discipline. Boyfriend and I have both really been feeling the effects of our diets, which for waaay too long now have consisted of shit upon shit, simply because we're too poor to eat properly. (No, seriously. I've got tater tots and veggies in the freezer and not much else, and our last grocery trip had a $30 budget, which doesn't go far in this city. But we both do eat healthy when we can.) And now with a baby on the way, our health has become top priority, especially for me. But I had no real discipline growing up, and saying no to myself has been a constant struggle (along with making myself get up from the couch). As far as my eating habits go, I'm miles from where I used to be. But with hardly anything in the fridge and nothing in my bank account, it's been tough to stay on track. Cheap and plentiful has taken precedence over healthy and pricy. And for a while, it's probably going to stay that way. But we watched a documentary a few days ago about the benefits of a whole foods diet, and he's been all over it. We can't really afford it, but even after finding an extra 2 bucks in my winter coat, I was able to walk right past a hot dog stand yesterday without stopping (oh my god hot dogs *drool*). That's where the discipline comes in. Every time I choose something to eat, I just have to ask myself, would I feed this to my child? Because that's where it ends up.
Anyway, the point of all this is that it's been hard to keep myself on track, but I'm learning. I've slacked on my meditation and yoga routine, but I've really been feeling the effect that ignoring these things has had on me. Maintenance has been a big issue for me. Just as I have to sweep the floor every day, I have to meditate every day, just to keep the piles of dust and cat fur cleared out (and oh god, the cat fur is EVERYWHERE, little monsters...<3). These things are worth it in every way possible, and even more than I realize when I'm not doing them. I just have to keep my mindset on the other side of the effort, and realize that the effort isn't nearly as bad as the result of non-effort. All I have to do is stand up. It's the hardest part, and then everything else is easy. That's what Boyfriend always tells me. And it's one of the only things that has kept me going. All I have to do is stand up.
On a side note, I just want to express how amazing my boyfriend is, how incredibly perfect he is for me despite our lack of common interests, and how unbelievable our relationship is. And not "oooh my god, I love my boyfriend, he's so great." He is truly the most wonderful thing in my life. I've put him through so much and he still thanks me every day for being with him. He actually thanked me last night just for being myself. We speak openly and honestly to each other, about everything and anything. We respect each other easily and without pretense. We have no ulterior motives. Our child will grow up with the type of parents, in the type of household, with the type of love, that neither of us had, and we both desperately needed. God truly knew what he was doing when he put the two of us together, and that makes me truly, profoundly grateful.
I love you, babe. <3 You've kept me strong.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
hope...ful
I've felt...I don't know, odd, the for last couple of weeks. A persistent sadness, coupled with a persistent hopefulness. We are just as broke as we've ever been, I still can't find a job and even though I feel as though a change is right around the corner, I can't help but think that I've felt that way for a looong time, and I still have no real idea of where to begin. But, I've been doing a better job of keeping myself active, and even though I have no idea what I'm going to eat for dinner on any single night next week, I know this can't last forever. And I have hope. Aimless hope, but hope. Boyfriend and I are staying strong and reminding each other that we love each other. He's getting burned out from a job that's getting him nowhere and I'm getting sick of being constantly hungry. I've had heartburn for three straight days (thank the baby) and my head has been aching with a dull pang for even longer than that. But, I don't know, I can see the light.
I had an interview today and I have no idea of what my chances are of getting called back. I actually want this job (a cafe in a craft space where parents take their children to create and play) and I'm superbly qualified for it. The interview lasted about five minutes, wasn't terrible, and I was told I would get a call. So now I have no idea what to think. But I'm ever hopeful.
But even being hopeful can get tiring sometimes. O_O
~edit~
And oh! I turned 25 three days ago. Not sure how I feel about that. Neutral, I suppose.
I had an interview today and I have no idea of what my chances are of getting called back. I actually want this job (a cafe in a craft space where parents take their children to create and play) and I'm superbly qualified for it. The interview lasted about five minutes, wasn't terrible, and I was told I would get a call. So now I have no idea what to think. But I'm ever hopeful.
But even being hopeful can get tiring sometimes. O_O
~edit~
And oh! I turned 25 three days ago. Not sure how I feel about that. Neutral, I suppose.
Monday, October 31, 2011
falling into place
So things are starting to come together. I called today to find out about my school applications, and found out that the decision has already been made, even though the school hasn't contacted me yet. The school that accepted me isn't the one that has the BSW, but that actually works out because it's the school I'd rather go to despite that fact, and also because since I won't be starting on social work right away, that means that I won't have to be doing internships and whatnot while I have an infant. By the time I start the strenuous schedule for my MSW, she'll be a toddler, and I'll be a competent and experienced mother, which will make it a lot easier on everyone.
I calculated my due date online, and it's June 23rd. That means that once the semester ends in May, I'll have the last month off to rest and get ready to give birth, and then the rest of the summer off to be with my kid.
Today I had the task of scheduling my first OBGYN appointment, which meant figuring out the insurance that I just signed up for a few weeks ago. While I was getting myself into phone call and research mode (no easy feat for the old me), I got a call from the insurance company saying they had some questions. Of course, the first question I got asked was if I'm pregnant, and then the rest of the conversation just took off from there. =)
I made a stress-free call to the number I was given, and now I have a doctor's office where I can walk in at my convenience to confirm the pregnancy and find out what comes next. And I have a school that will be tough to get to but easy on my schedule. The timing could not be more perfect.
Everything seems to be happening exactly when I need it to. I feel so much better about telling my mom now that things are starting to fall into place.
God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. If something happens, it's because the universe knows that I'm ready. God knows what's best for me. That is an incredible feeling, on top of the millions of incredible feelings coursing through me right now. Oh boy, I'm in for a hell of a ride =)
I calculated my due date online, and it's June 23rd. That means that once the semester ends in May, I'll have the last month off to rest and get ready to give birth, and then the rest of the summer off to be with my kid.
Today I had the task of scheduling my first OBGYN appointment, which meant figuring out the insurance that I just signed up for a few weeks ago. While I was getting myself into phone call and research mode (no easy feat for the old me), I got a call from the insurance company saying they had some questions. Of course, the first question I got asked was if I'm pregnant, and then the rest of the conversation just took off from there. =)
I made a stress-free call to the number I was given, and now I have a doctor's office where I can walk in at my convenience to confirm the pregnancy and find out what comes next. And I have a school that will be tough to get to but easy on my schedule. The timing could not be more perfect.
Everything seems to be happening exactly when I need it to. I feel so much better about telling my mom now that things are starting to fall into place.
God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. If something happens, it's because the universe knows that I'm ready. God knows what's best for me. That is an incredible feeling, on top of the millions of incredible feelings coursing through me right now. Oh boy, I'm in for a hell of a ride =)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Fearless child with the glowing eyes
My sense of time is all screwy. I found out for (almost) sure about my little bundle on Friday, and it already feels like it's been a week since then. I guess because so much has passed through my mind, and between the two of us, that it feels like a week's worth of worrying and rejoicing and planning has already passed. I don't quite "feel" pregnant yet. I don't feel like she's with me yet even though I know she is. Perhaps when she starts moving, later on this week (I can't wait) I'll begin to feel like there's a real little person with me. But now, I just feel expectant. I'm waiting to get big, I'm waiting to feel her move, I'm waiting for the symptoms to hit me for real, I'm waiting to see her little face in my arms. But mostly I just have this sense that I'm suspended in time. I don't like it that the happiness is tinged with a deepening worry. We're cleaning up the house and working on getting my first doctor's appointment scheduled (which involves finding a doctor and figuring out my insurance.) And boyfriend has gotten passed the debilitating worry and told practically everyone he knows, and he sits around smiling and giggling almost as much as I do, haha. =D Money is going to be an issue for a looong time, but together we can make it. =)
My mother still doesn't know, and neither does his. Mom's coming over on Wednesday so we can go to NJ to see Grandma, and we're gonna tell her before we leave, and then we'll be able to tell Grandma in person too. I'm scared as shit to tell my mom, because she's a worrier and a half and she likes to nag. But she's also the most supportive mother anyone could ask for, even if she is completely dysfunctional. Once I talk down the "oh my god what are you gonna do's" and all the over-the-top over-dramatic overreactions, she'll be happy. And she'll remember that I'm a adult, and so is Boyfriend, and we're intelligent ones at that.
I have this incredible sense of ease, even knowing how difficult this is going to be. Everything is changing. My eating habits are suddenly so much more of a concern, my fears are suddenly giving way to solutions, even the ways I sit and sleep and move are suddenly geared only toward her optimum health. I keep worrying that if I lean over too far, I'm going to crush her, lol. She's apparently the size of a lentil right now. In three weeks she'll be the size of a grape. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like then. I'll probably be afraid just to take a step. The words "precious cargo" suddenly mean the world to me.
I wonder if I'll be able to communicate with her spirit, especially as her birth comes closer. I hope so. I wonder who God will decide to bring into my life. I can't wait to meet this little person ^_^
It amazes me that there's a spirit out there who has chosen to come into our lives as our child, who trusts us enough to teach her everything she needs to know about the world and about the universe, who plans to love us enough to follow us wherever we go, and who trusts us to love her enough to follow her to hell if we have to. The spirit who chooses to be born to an awakened person, and one on the verge of awakening, must be coming to learn a great lesson. This is a house full of love, creativity, intelligence, and open-mindedness. She's coming to be a part of the life that my partner and I have created. I hope we can be good enough teachers to fulfill that need.
On the other hand, what lessons will she bring for us to learn? What sort of incredible spirit has blessed me with the chance to love her? Knowing my own limits, perhaps she'll be a strong and outgoing person who's coming to push me out of my fear. I have the feeling my boundaries are going to get blown to bits pretty soon. With two parents who desperately need to learn to push past their fears, I'm willing to bet that our child is going to be fearless =)
My mother still doesn't know, and neither does his. Mom's coming over on Wednesday so we can go to NJ to see Grandma, and we're gonna tell her before we leave, and then we'll be able to tell Grandma in person too. I'm scared as shit to tell my mom, because she's a worrier and a half and she likes to nag. But she's also the most supportive mother anyone could ask for, even if she is completely dysfunctional. Once I talk down the "oh my god what are you gonna do's" and all the over-the-top over-dramatic overreactions, she'll be happy. And she'll remember that I'm a adult, and so is Boyfriend, and we're intelligent ones at that.
I have this incredible sense of ease, even knowing how difficult this is going to be. Everything is changing. My eating habits are suddenly so much more of a concern, my fears are suddenly giving way to solutions, even the ways I sit and sleep and move are suddenly geared only toward her optimum health. I keep worrying that if I lean over too far, I'm going to crush her, lol. She's apparently the size of a lentil right now. In three weeks she'll be the size of a grape. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like then. I'll probably be afraid just to take a step. The words "precious cargo" suddenly mean the world to me.
I wonder if I'll be able to communicate with her spirit, especially as her birth comes closer. I hope so. I wonder who God will decide to bring into my life. I can't wait to meet this little person ^_^
It amazes me that there's a spirit out there who has chosen to come into our lives as our child, who trusts us enough to teach her everything she needs to know about the world and about the universe, who plans to love us enough to follow us wherever we go, and who trusts us to love her enough to follow her to hell if we have to. The spirit who chooses to be born to an awakened person, and one on the verge of awakening, must be coming to learn a great lesson. This is a house full of love, creativity, intelligence, and open-mindedness. She's coming to be a part of the life that my partner and I have created. I hope we can be good enough teachers to fulfill that need.
On the other hand, what lessons will she bring for us to learn? What sort of incredible spirit has blessed me with the chance to love her? Knowing my own limits, perhaps she'll be a strong and outgoing person who's coming to push me out of my fear. I have the feeling my boundaries are going to get blown to bits pretty soon. With two parents who desperately need to learn to push past their fears, I'm willing to bet that our child is going to be fearless =)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
oh baby
I've been stuck in fear. I've gotten to a deeper space of awareness, and the desperation isn't so heavy. And yet there is still this fear. I suppose I had just been living under so much of it, so much heavy weight, that I still haven't quite figured out how to remove it all. Finding my support system has been difficult because that's exactly where my fears lay, in trying to initiate that connection. And yet, I can't get anywhere unless I do. In a word, I've been stuck.
I was thinking of the car situation as a catalyst, as the one thing that would force me to make the changes I had to make. And yet I was still stuck in my fear and inaction. My mother offered to give us the money for the car so we could get it out and be in debt to her rather than the city, so that's what we did. Now we have to pay her back $900. Which is fine by me because she doesn't charge $15 a day for impound fees. But it also takes the pressure off of me to get up and find a job. But even under pressure, I still find myself immobile. I think perhaps it's the house itself that's keeping me stuck in these patterns. I'm surrounded by the reminders of inaction and depression and clutter. They keep me stuck. Or rather, I let them keep me stuck. I'm a creature of habit and it bites me in the ass more often than not.
So the car thing is dealt with. But there's my motivation gone.
Then I discovered that I'm pregnant. Wow. And there it is. There are no more excuses now. I'm afraid to make a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment? Well that's just too damn bad, now isn't it?
Jesus, the universe doesn't fuck around, does it?
On the plus side (the other plus side, cuz that's a pretty big one) this huge space has opened up in me. I'm sort of stuck, but I've reached a place where I am ok with where I am. Emotionally, mentally, I'm there. It's the physical and practical where I get stuck. That's always been my problem. Always a thinker, never a doer. I see myself bringing my child into this beautiful world, into a clean house where she can be safe and healthy, I see myself connecting with people and enjoying my life and no longer feeling trapped. But I look around me, and I just see clutter. I see fear and inaction. I can't bring her into this. I just can't. I won't.
I know I've said this so many times before, but this is it. There's no more room to let fear control me anymore. There are so many more important things than trying to preserve what I think is my safety. In trying to "preserve" myself, I deny my kid what she desperately needs, a mother who is willing and able to stand up for her and speak the words that need to be spoken. And what better motivator than this to get me there?
Boyfriend is of course all nervous. I've been looking for jobs, but who will hire me now? Luckily it's early enough that I can get a job and not have to say anything just yet, but I've never liked keeping secrets. My bluntness has cost me jobs before. Perhaps, in this case, tightening my tongue a little couldn't hurt.
Anyway, he's scared, but happy. He lets his fear get the best of him in a big way. I've tried to break him out of that, but ultimately it has to come from him. I think it helps that I can sense how he's feeling and I always let him know it. It hurts me that he feels trapped and scared and resentful of me, but really he has every reason to feel that way. He works so hard, just to come home and find I've done nothing with my day. That only increases my own anger at myself, which makes it even harder to make those changes. And there are no words I can offer him anymore. They've all been said and they no longer mean anything. I suppose the reason the words feel so empty now is because they sort of are. The time for words and promises is over. It's time to make good on them.
Ironically enough, I think a large part of my problem is the simple fact that I keep my laptop in the living room right in front of the TV. TV and computer is a baaad combo for me. Perhaps a change of scenery is in order.
There is an immense amount of change ahead of me, ahead of us. This is the change. This is the game changer.
I am so happy and so excited and so scared. But mostly, I'm just kind of in shock.
Holy jesus christ I'm pregnant. O_O
........
=)
I was thinking of the car situation as a catalyst, as the one thing that would force me to make the changes I had to make. And yet I was still stuck in my fear and inaction. My mother offered to give us the money for the car so we could get it out and be in debt to her rather than the city, so that's what we did. Now we have to pay her back $900. Which is fine by me because she doesn't charge $15 a day for impound fees. But it also takes the pressure off of me to get up and find a job. But even under pressure, I still find myself immobile. I think perhaps it's the house itself that's keeping me stuck in these patterns. I'm surrounded by the reminders of inaction and depression and clutter. They keep me stuck. Or rather, I let them keep me stuck. I'm a creature of habit and it bites me in the ass more often than not.
So the car thing is dealt with. But there's my motivation gone.
Then I discovered that I'm pregnant. Wow. And there it is. There are no more excuses now. I'm afraid to make a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment? Well that's just too damn bad, now isn't it?
Jesus, the universe doesn't fuck around, does it?
On the plus side (the other plus side, cuz that's a pretty big one) this huge space has opened up in me. I'm sort of stuck, but I've reached a place where I am ok with where I am. Emotionally, mentally, I'm there. It's the physical and practical where I get stuck. That's always been my problem. Always a thinker, never a doer. I see myself bringing my child into this beautiful world, into a clean house where she can be safe and healthy, I see myself connecting with people and enjoying my life and no longer feeling trapped. But I look around me, and I just see clutter. I see fear and inaction. I can't bring her into this. I just can't. I won't.
I know I've said this so many times before, but this is it. There's no more room to let fear control me anymore. There are so many more important things than trying to preserve what I think is my safety. In trying to "preserve" myself, I deny my kid what she desperately needs, a mother who is willing and able to stand up for her and speak the words that need to be spoken. And what better motivator than this to get me there?
Boyfriend is of course all nervous. I've been looking for jobs, but who will hire me now? Luckily it's early enough that I can get a job and not have to say anything just yet, but I've never liked keeping secrets. My bluntness has cost me jobs before. Perhaps, in this case, tightening my tongue a little couldn't hurt.
Anyway, he's scared, but happy. He lets his fear get the best of him in a big way. I've tried to break him out of that, but ultimately it has to come from him. I think it helps that I can sense how he's feeling and I always let him know it. It hurts me that he feels trapped and scared and resentful of me, but really he has every reason to feel that way. He works so hard, just to come home and find I've done nothing with my day. That only increases my own anger at myself, which makes it even harder to make those changes. And there are no words I can offer him anymore. They've all been said and they no longer mean anything. I suppose the reason the words feel so empty now is because they sort of are. The time for words and promises is over. It's time to make good on them.
Ironically enough, I think a large part of my problem is the simple fact that I keep my laptop in the living room right in front of the TV. TV and computer is a baaad combo for me. Perhaps a change of scenery is in order.
There is an immense amount of change ahead of me, ahead of us. This is the change. This is the game changer.
I am so happy and so excited and so scared. But mostly, I'm just kind of in shock.
Holy jesus christ I'm pregnant. O_O
........
=)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The catalyst
Oh boy so the last few weeks have been interesting.
So you already know my car got towed because of tickets, and we have to pay upwards of $700 to rescue it, and that price goes up every day that it's in the pound. There's been so much running through my mind and my body the last few days, I'm not going to even try to record it all.
Basically I had a complete meltdown the other day and now I feel amazing, despite the fact that I still don't have my car. I had been having stomach pains for nearly two weeks, and the car thing was the breaking point. I broke down and everything just came pouring out. I felt the moment when I shifted from desperation to determination. It's amazing the deep place of acceptance that can open up when a mountain of stress becomes a little too much to handle. That is, if you let it open up. And my stomach hasn't hurt since then.
It's difficult in this situation living with someone whose main source of stress is and always has been money. My boyfriend has had it drilled into his head his whole life that money is what matters, and his entire family lives by the notion that happiness can be sacrificed for wealth, which is why they're all so unhappy. And not one of them has any wealth, of any kind. He's been resisting this mindset for literally his whole life, but he hasn't been able to escape the mountains of stress and worry his mother dumped on him.
Living in this society, obviously I understand the value of money. But as a person, I don't place any value on it. That's not something I decided. Money has always seemed strange and foreign and nonsensical to me, even when I was a child. So it's somewhat jarring to be scrambling around trying desperately to find something I don't even believe in. It makes it hard to stay motivated, because when it comes right down to it, I have no desire for it. Money has no personal appeal to me, and it's disheartening not being able to connect with people because I don't have the money for transportation or anything else. Shouldn't meeting and talking with people be free? Why is it so hard for me to just go out and talk with someone? Where do I find these people? =\
Anyway, I got off track. It's been difficult for boyfriend and I to stay on the same page, because our mindsets about the situation are so different. I've given up asking him to trust me, because I'm not sure myself what the outcome of this will be, and my requests for trust sound ungrounded even to me. But there's nothing else I can do but trust. I have no idea if I will get my car back or not, but it matters that I tried. Just as in yoga, the quality of the effort is far more important than the result. I just hope I can do something to help him ease his stress before it overwhelms him, which has been known to happen. So yes, I'm worried I'll never see my car again. But I keep coming back to that deep place, and the words "just let it be" have been carving a place in my mind. When I am ok with the quality of the effort I put forth, and with the person I find in myself, I can be ok with the results of that person's effort, because I know that I did something, and whatever comes of it is the result of something that felt right to me at the time.
Right now I'm trying to get my Etsy shop up and running, for the third time. I've got a plan, I'm working on clearing the space in my house, and I can feel the support of my whole being behind me. I was praying to God to help me, praying that this will finally work, and praying that I will start to see some small funds trickling in. And today, just when I needed it most, I checked my email and saw that I made a sale yesterday out of NOWHERE. It's been a year and a half since someone found my shop on their own and bought something. I haven't listed anything in months, and somehow, this woman found me. What are the chances, huh? Well, I guess the chances were pretty good because it happened ;)
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that the universe had my back, I can let go of it now.
I would like to offer my personal thanks to God, who is still showing me the way.
So you already know my car got towed because of tickets, and we have to pay upwards of $700 to rescue it, and that price goes up every day that it's in the pound. There's been so much running through my mind and my body the last few days, I'm not going to even try to record it all.
Basically I had a complete meltdown the other day and now I feel amazing, despite the fact that I still don't have my car. I had been having stomach pains for nearly two weeks, and the car thing was the breaking point. I broke down and everything just came pouring out. I felt the moment when I shifted from desperation to determination. It's amazing the deep place of acceptance that can open up when a mountain of stress becomes a little too much to handle. That is, if you let it open up. And my stomach hasn't hurt since then.
It's difficult in this situation living with someone whose main source of stress is and always has been money. My boyfriend has had it drilled into his head his whole life that money is what matters, and his entire family lives by the notion that happiness can be sacrificed for wealth, which is why they're all so unhappy. And not one of them has any wealth, of any kind. He's been resisting this mindset for literally his whole life, but he hasn't been able to escape the mountains of stress and worry his mother dumped on him.
Living in this society, obviously I understand the value of money. But as a person, I don't place any value on it. That's not something I decided. Money has always seemed strange and foreign and nonsensical to me, even when I was a child. So it's somewhat jarring to be scrambling around trying desperately to find something I don't even believe in. It makes it hard to stay motivated, because when it comes right down to it, I have no desire for it. Money has no personal appeal to me, and it's disheartening not being able to connect with people because I don't have the money for transportation or anything else. Shouldn't meeting and talking with people be free? Why is it so hard for me to just go out and talk with someone? Where do I find these people? =\
Anyway, I got off track. It's been difficult for boyfriend and I to stay on the same page, because our mindsets about the situation are so different. I've given up asking him to trust me, because I'm not sure myself what the outcome of this will be, and my requests for trust sound ungrounded even to me. But there's nothing else I can do but trust. I have no idea if I will get my car back or not, but it matters that I tried. Just as in yoga, the quality of the effort is far more important than the result. I just hope I can do something to help him ease his stress before it overwhelms him, which has been known to happen. So yes, I'm worried I'll never see my car again. But I keep coming back to that deep place, and the words "just let it be" have been carving a place in my mind. When I am ok with the quality of the effort I put forth, and with the person I find in myself, I can be ok with the results of that person's effort, because I know that I did something, and whatever comes of it is the result of something that felt right to me at the time.
Right now I'm trying to get my Etsy shop up and running, for the third time. I've got a plan, I'm working on clearing the space in my house, and I can feel the support of my whole being behind me. I was praying to God to help me, praying that this will finally work, and praying that I will start to see some small funds trickling in. And today, just when I needed it most, I checked my email and saw that I made a sale yesterday out of NOWHERE. It's been a year and a half since someone found my shop on their own and bought something. I haven't listed anything in months, and somehow, this woman found me. What are the chances, huh? Well, I guess the chances were pretty good because it happened ;)
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that the universe had my back, I can let go of it now.
I would like to offer my personal thanks to God, who is still showing me the way.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
All things for a reason
I've been placing fear on myself. I've felt for a long time that something had to give soon, because with only boyfriend working and me continuing to sit here day after day, frustrations are starting to run rampant. And then the car got towed because we couldn't pay our tickets.
Getting a job looks like it's going to have to happen. There is maybe 1% of me that wants a job. There are no jobs in my area, and I'm not qualified for anything more than retail, and retail and I don't really get along. The car getting towed was sort of the last straw. A couple of total meltdowns later, I feel like I'm ready to start making some moves. I've been trying to make those moves for months now, and my fear has only held me back. Looks like now I don't have a choice.
We have to pay off more than $700 (plus more and more each day for the impound fees) and I have a dollar in my pocket. Oh God, get us through this.
Getting a job looks like it's going to have to happen. There is maybe 1% of me that wants a job. There are no jobs in my area, and I'm not qualified for anything more than retail, and retail and I don't really get along. The car getting towed was sort of the last straw. A couple of total meltdowns later, I feel like I'm ready to start making some moves. I've been trying to make those moves for months now, and my fear has only held me back. Looks like now I don't have a choice.
We have to pay off more than $700 (plus more and more each day for the impound fees) and I have a dollar in my pocket. Oh God, get us through this.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Boundaries.
I've said many times that this life has been all about breaking boundaries. I can't help but feel that this will continue to be the case in the future. I feel like I'm expanding outwards, like after I've dealt with the boundaries I've placed on myself, I can keep moving farther out, breaking the boundaries I see outside of my self as well.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I notice that when I've been slacking on the things I'd like to be doing, I invariably begin doing them eventually, because I haven't given up. This made me realize that even though the changes are coming slower, they're coming from a much deeper place. When I get up (or sit down) to do something, it comes from a desire to do it that goes beyond a mental conviction that I should. It comes from a deep knowing that doing it will fulfill that need I have. I can feel the directions I'm pulled in now, and it feels good and right to follow those paths. It feels natural. I'm learning how to observe in order to let myself be. Or, let myself be in order to observe. Why confuse things with words.
The upswing always feels nice.
The upswing always feels nice.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Hello, Autumn
I really should write things down before I forget them, especially when I know I'm not going to get to the computer till the next day. >-< Doh!
Anyway, the gist of it was, God is the nature of all things. I realized that in order to allow my intuition to flourish, I must allow every aspect of my own being to exist as it naturally would without outside interference. When you take a handful of pebbles and throw them down onto the ground, they land as they naturally would, bouncing off of each other and propelling each other in all directions, and each pebble will continue in the direction it is bound for. The result is a chaotic arrangement of pebbles that looks, well, natural. But when you go in and start placing them in patterns in order to make them look natural, you get something that looks contrived, and over-analyzed. You only get what you're going for when you allow gravity and chance to do the work for you.
Financially, I am worse off than I was a week ago. But everything else is golden.
Writing has a compulsion for me that I can't ignore, and I know it will play heavily in my life. I've gone a long time without writing anything, or at least anything "creative". (All writing is creative for me, but you know what I mean.) But I've never lost the drive for it. Even when I had no idea why I wanted to write, and wasn't even sure that I wanted to, I still wanted to. I'm making more of an effort to read more, and I'm actively trying to write down whatever comes to my mind to write. Right now I'm oiling up the rusty spots.
Boyfriend and I were sitting and talking about oatmeal yesterday, because we were eating it, and he said he wanted me to make more of the oatmeal cranberry walnut cookies I made a few months ago. Then, because Boyfriend has the eternal entrepreneurial spirit, he said, "We could sell-WE COULD SELL COOKIES!"
Now, this was a life-changing event for several reasons. 1) He's wanted to start some sort of food service business for a long time. Money has always been the issue, but cookies we can do in our own kitchen. 2) I came to the conclusion that even when I love my job, I hate having a job. It just doesn't feel right for me. I'd much rather work from home. And all we really need to get this up and running are to organize the kitchen, get some baking supplies, and play with a few recipes. He's a natural at marketing and come on, who doesn't want cookies? Homemade chocolate chip, 3 for a dollar in a cellophane bag. Yes please.
We're calling it HoneyButton Bakeshop. All our recipes will be made with honey instead of sugar, and our logo will be a button with a bee flying around it. We've already come up with a few signature recipes =D The first thing to do now is just clean and organize the kitchen. I've been talking about getting that done for a while now. Time to stop talking, eh?
I've been feeling the shift lately from inaction to action, from confusion to clarity. Today I feel like no dark space is hidden from me any longer. I've learned how to focus without stifling. As I was thinking about this and feeling pretty good, I got this tweet on my phone, from @meditationtip: "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. This is the day your life really begins."
Anyway, I'm feeling a walk in the forest so I'm going to go get ready for that. Can't wait to go enjoy that weather =)
Anyway, the gist of it was, God is the nature of all things. I realized that in order to allow my intuition to flourish, I must allow every aspect of my own being to exist as it naturally would without outside interference. When you take a handful of pebbles and throw them down onto the ground, they land as they naturally would, bouncing off of each other and propelling each other in all directions, and each pebble will continue in the direction it is bound for. The result is a chaotic arrangement of pebbles that looks, well, natural. But when you go in and start placing them in patterns in order to make them look natural, you get something that looks contrived, and over-analyzed. You only get what you're going for when you allow gravity and chance to do the work for you.
Financially, I am worse off than I was a week ago. But everything else is golden.
Writing has a compulsion for me that I can't ignore, and I know it will play heavily in my life. I've gone a long time without writing anything, or at least anything "creative". (All writing is creative for me, but you know what I mean.) But I've never lost the drive for it. Even when I had no idea why I wanted to write, and wasn't even sure that I wanted to, I still wanted to. I'm making more of an effort to read more, and I'm actively trying to write down whatever comes to my mind to write. Right now I'm oiling up the rusty spots.
Boyfriend and I were sitting and talking about oatmeal yesterday, because we were eating it, and he said he wanted me to make more of the oatmeal cranberry walnut cookies I made a few months ago. Then, because Boyfriend has the eternal entrepreneurial spirit, he said, "We could sell-WE COULD SELL COOKIES!"
Now, this was a life-changing event for several reasons. 1) He's wanted to start some sort of food service business for a long time. Money has always been the issue, but cookies we can do in our own kitchen. 2) I came to the conclusion that even when I love my job, I hate having a job. It just doesn't feel right for me. I'd much rather work from home. And all we really need to get this up and running are to organize the kitchen, get some baking supplies, and play with a few recipes. He's a natural at marketing and come on, who doesn't want cookies? Homemade chocolate chip, 3 for a dollar in a cellophane bag. Yes please.
We're calling it HoneyButton Bakeshop. All our recipes will be made with honey instead of sugar, and our logo will be a button with a bee flying around it. We've already come up with a few signature recipes =D The first thing to do now is just clean and organize the kitchen. I've been talking about getting that done for a while now. Time to stop talking, eh?
I've been feeling the shift lately from inaction to action, from confusion to clarity. Today I feel like no dark space is hidden from me any longer. I've learned how to focus without stifling. As I was thinking about this and feeling pretty good, I got this tweet on my phone, from @meditationtip: "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. This is the day your life really begins."
Anyway, I'm feeling a walk in the forest so I'm going to go get ready for that. Can't wait to go enjoy that weather =)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Impermanence is the only constant.
My temp job is now over. I was hoping that I would be able to stay permanently, but the manager wants people who read classics, and I guess my preferences weren't to his liking. I guess sci fi wasn't good enough for him =P
I am now back to needing a job. But, now I have a clearer head, and a bookstore job to use as a reference. My boyfriend is persuading me to take a week off before I start looking again, to work on that dusty old manuscript, keep working out (20lbs down so far), and generally just relax. I suppose I need it, but I still feel like I'm sort of in limbo. I guess I'm just still getting used to the weightlessness of no-worry and neutrality. It's going to be a bit of a struggle to keep myself motivated because I found out that yesterday was my last day mere hours before the end of my shift, which was not so easy to deal with. I suppose I feel very angry about that, and the term "asshole" has crossed my mind several times about several different people. All things for a purpose, I suppose.
I really just want to move onto a hippie commune and, ya know, enjoy myself.
So now I am at the threshold of another vacation, however long it should last.
words
meditations
cleaning
movement of many kinds
thoughts and ideas
creations
This is my time.
I am now back to needing a job. But, now I have a clearer head, and a bookstore job to use as a reference. My boyfriend is persuading me to take a week off before I start looking again, to work on that dusty old manuscript, keep working out (20lbs down so far), and generally just relax. I suppose I need it, but I still feel like I'm sort of in limbo. I guess I'm just still getting used to the weightlessness of no-worry and neutrality. It's going to be a bit of a struggle to keep myself motivated because I found out that yesterday was my last day mere hours before the end of my shift, which was not so easy to deal with. I suppose I feel very angry about that, and the term "asshole" has crossed my mind several times about several different people. All things for a purpose, I suppose.
I really just want to move onto a hippie commune and, ya know, enjoy myself.
So now I am at the threshold of another vacation, however long it should last.
words
meditations
cleaning
movement of many kinds
thoughts and ideas
creations
This is my time.
Monday, September 5, 2011
The calm after the storm
Been gone a while. We were out of cable because of the storm, and in that time I just got out of the habit of spending my whole day on the computer. I've gone days without checking my email. It's been nice and I'm not in a hurry to get back to it. That hurricane, in so many ways, was exactly what I needed.
A huge part of my social anxiety was the fear of stepping out onto my own doorstep. I live right next door to a family member who I don't really get along with, (the same can be said for pretty much any member of my family) and it's made it awkward to go outside and risk seeing her. Stupid, I know. But it's actually gotten easier for me since I began healing myself. In the case of my other neighbors, it's just general anxiety. I always had the sense that they know something's "wrong" with me, and that they all talk and whatnot. But then I realized, I used to spend all my time at home staring out the window, and I still had no idea what my neighbors did on a daily basis. How should they know or care about what I do?
Then the hurricane hit. A tree came down on my block early Sunday morning and brought a lot of power lines down with it. That day, when the sun came up and the wind was still blowing, everyone came outside. There was this huge tree, completely intact, lying across the middle of the street and blocking it off entirely. Everyone just stood around marveling. People who live just doors away, who I haven't spoken to in years, were standing in front of my house, and we talked. Not about much, but we talked. As the day wore on, everyone spent it just going in and out of their houses, milling around, talking to each other about the tree and whatever else, and I realized how natural it was for them to do so. I realized they had sort of an open connection with the outsides of their houses, and it was nothing for them to get dressed and do something outside, even if it's just sitting on their own steps. I decided that I needed to hold on to that connection. I couldn't let fear keep me in my house.
With that also came the black out. It was during the day, and we got our power back the same day because there's a woman across the street who has a respirator. But just those few hours without power, and the subsequent few days without cable, forced me to entertain myself by means other than the TV and the computer. It's been rather enjoyable. I've actually lived in the last few days.
I have a job now that I truly enjoy. It's only temporary, but hopefully I can change that.
Anyway, I have other things to do.
How has a disaster changed your life?
A huge part of my social anxiety was the fear of stepping out onto my own doorstep. I live right next door to a family member who I don't really get along with, (the same can be said for pretty much any member of my family) and it's made it awkward to go outside and risk seeing her. Stupid, I know. But it's actually gotten easier for me since I began healing myself. In the case of my other neighbors, it's just general anxiety. I always had the sense that they know something's "wrong" with me, and that they all talk and whatnot. But then I realized, I used to spend all my time at home staring out the window, and I still had no idea what my neighbors did on a daily basis. How should they know or care about what I do?
Then the hurricane hit. A tree came down on my block early Sunday morning and brought a lot of power lines down with it. That day, when the sun came up and the wind was still blowing, everyone came outside. There was this huge tree, completely intact, lying across the middle of the street and blocking it off entirely. Everyone just stood around marveling. People who live just doors away, who I haven't spoken to in years, were standing in front of my house, and we talked. Not about much, but we talked. As the day wore on, everyone spent it just going in and out of their houses, milling around, talking to each other about the tree and whatever else, and I realized how natural it was for them to do so. I realized they had sort of an open connection with the outsides of their houses, and it was nothing for them to get dressed and do something outside, even if it's just sitting on their own steps. I decided that I needed to hold on to that connection. I couldn't let fear keep me in my house.
With that also came the black out. It was during the day, and we got our power back the same day because there's a woman across the street who has a respirator. But just those few hours without power, and the subsequent few days without cable, forced me to entertain myself by means other than the TV and the computer. It's been rather enjoyable. I've actually lived in the last few days.
I have a job now that I truly enjoy. It's only temporary, but hopefully I can change that.
Anyway, I have other things to do.
How has a disaster changed your life?
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